"BriTANicK, Our Close Friends" is the fiftieth episode of Hollywood Handbook.
Earwolf Synopsis Edit
Sean and Hayes talk video games and reveal their gamer tags. Then, the world’s only sketch comedy duo BRITANICK is in the studio to talk about their computer closet, the secrets behind being a good wingman, dragons, and how to sit on a barstool. Then, the Popcorn Gallery is back to ask about getting half the doughsef, kissing each other, and juggling priorities.
Notes & Memorable Quotes Edit
Pre-Guest Segment Edit
- Hayes over the theme: "So you know how Finesse... Mitchell, used to have that bit on SNL where he was the ant farm destroyer? And he would go through everyone's office and smash all their ant farms? And everyone would say, do not, like, it's funny, n Lorne would come up to him and say 'It's a really funny bit, just leave Ana Gasteyer's ant farm alone.' And you know Finesse, and so he's like 'I gotta destroy that..'" Hayes then goes on to say how Finesse went into her office and never came out. Ana may be doing something with those ants that may be.. against nature. They're so large. They're not even technically ants any more! They are still kinds of bugs. But should ants be able to have those horns? They may have started to control her a little bit. All of her sketches were about everyone spilling sugar, spill their soda, or leave a beetle carcass very close to the anthill in the middle of the floor.
- Everyone looking at the pictures for this episode should know, yes Hayes has a big bushy beard, and yes it is because he's going to play Will Ferell of that episode of Bear Grylls where he went and hangs out with Bear Grylls. It's a rich story that a celebrity went to hang out in nature, and that's enough for a movie.
- One thing Sean want to talk about, and it's a big part of the world and the planet right now, and it is that it's time to have a big part of video games and it is so huge.
- Everything is gaming. Video games is almost movies now! Kids today are growing up with a controller in their hand, and they go to the movies they want to be able to control the characters.
- Sean, increasingly, is using his gamer handle more in his real life. It can be an escape for him to almost become another kind of guy when he's going video games, and when he's being his handle, it's almost like being a whole new person! When Sean's at home and he wants to call someone a mean name, or shoot them in the butt with a bazooka, or.. race them, fast! This is kind of stuff you can do. Sean is a little scared to reveal his gamer handle, because lots of people would want to challenge him to a race. And Sean really enjoys the anonymity of it. Hayes suggests he should change his gamertag but change the number: ThugQueen69. But Sean forgot to change the numbers!
- People who come across ThugQueen69 on video games don't know it's a Hollywood guy who's just some movie deal, rather just some thug queen
- Hayes's gamertag is HayesDavenportBaseball@aol.com. They don't say when you're doing it that it's different than online! And now that he has this gamertag, they're telling him it's different and he can't change it, it's forever!
- Back to video games being movies: Hayes and Sean play Pokémon, which has been movies, Minecraft is gonna be movies (and it's already based on The Craft, the witch movie, and Yours, Mine & Ours. It's a smash up where they smash up different stuff). When you start Minecraft you can pick Robin Tunney, or
Fairuza Balkshe won't let you be her. She says "Oh you think you can be mee? You can't sit with us!"
- Sean is very excited for The Snood movie. Hayes loves a good snoovie.
- Sean worries about some of these games, like Contra, are we becoming insensitive to violent guys? This is like Lord of War with Nicholas Cage, he becomes the boss and gets all the guns? Sure there's no more war, but what are we going to do about ISIS? ISIL? Sean wants all the news to decide what we're going to say on this name! ISIL, ISIS, ICICLE, BICYCLE, BISIS, FRISIS, RICIN if you watch Breaking Bad.
- Some people are mad at Sean and Hayes for selling a movie to ISIS. Sean then encourages ISIS to turn off the show, and he addresses everyone else: Did you ever think that the movie is like part of their spywork, and that they tricked them with it? Sometimes movies can contain codes. And one part of the movie is so good, they'll be locked in and Sean and Hayes know that they won't be able to hear anyone coming! Let's say they're all in the same theater and the same time, and what if that theater.. became a jail? And that's all they're going to say...
Guest Segment Edit
- Sean over the theme: "So, he's sort of throwing it back and forth, and spinning it around. And I'm 'Jeff.. Conaway.. that's an expensive award! Like, I can't just replace an Oscar, if you drop it in the piranha tank..' he goes 'Oh yeah, did you win this for like directing a film or something?' and I go 'Well, I didn't get it in a frickin' Cracker Jack box!'" Hayes and Sean start laughing he he he he he he he. "He was laughing so hard at that! Yes! And when I looked at it, it wasn't mine."
- Sean attempts to say the 'Insider's Guide' speech that Hayes usually does along with him, in sort of a Phil Spectre-like Wall of Sound effect. They have a little argument over this.
- BriTANicK are a sketch duo, which is kind of a throwback to old vaudeville acts and routines. Some of the funniest stuff still today is those old routines. Some of these acts like Martin and Lewis (Martin Lawrence and Lewis Black) were funnier than selfish stand up comedians.
- BriTANicK are the first ever sketch duo on computers, to their knowledge. They are a completely computer based sketch comedy group. There might be other individual people doing sketches on computer, but Brian thinks they're definitely the only duo doing it.
- Brian talks about the complications of talking about anything else on a computer except for sketch comedy Sean mentions it'd be hard to talk about hamburger sandwiches on computers because people are always going to be thinking about the elephant in the room: they are watching the sketch on a computer. Brain and Nick had a sketch comedy video about hamburger sandwich that they just couldn't break! Sean recommends that they perform the sandwich bit at a restaurant and Brian thinks that Sean means people should watch his sketch on a computer in a restaurant. Sean angrily replies, "No, you're not listening to me Brian...You do the sketch in the restaurant". Sean is now fucking pissed at the BriTANicK crew, and Nick is trying to distance himself from Brian because this interview has to go well for him.
- Brian tries to suck up to Sean and compliments him on his funny joke and his sunglasses. This is greeted with an unfriendly, "Okay..." from Sean.
- BriTANicK convene under the table and have a brief meeting Nick to Brian: "You fucking idiot, it seemed desperate, you should have waited longer to compliment them"
- Hayes and Sean's fans are having trouble with relationships, so BriTANicK talk about good wingman techniques to help them get sexual partners.
- Nick has never gotten rejected or gotten a sad look from a girl. Brain mentions how his wingman technique is to try and get girls to hook up with Nick but the ones that don't want to he has for himself. Nick He calls these women harsh names like "the uggos, the dragons, the warthogs, the shitfaces" sometimes even to their face, Brian often has to jump in to help Nick in these situations.
- Hayes is offended by Nick calling women dragons because, "the historical context there makes it even more nefarious". Hayes doesn't think women would destroy a village or be Japanese. Nick is edgy and says that he's talking about all sorts of dragons, not just Japanese ones. This shocks Sean immensely.
- There are two simultaneous meetings at once, one with BriTANicK under the table and one with Sean and Hayes above them. Brian immediately asks Nick what the fuck that was about, telling him how turned off Sean got to that, and Nick tells Brian he's not, not gonna be himself, that's all he has.
- Nick talks about the technique of "peacocking" at a bar: "The first thing is peacocking. It's when you release a wild peacock into the bar, and so now there's danger in the bar. People are frightened there's a live animal...they need someone to remove the live peacock". They try not to kill the peacock but they have never not killed it. There even has been some civilian casualties in these situations, but at this point the attention is on them and so now they have their pick of the liter.
- Nick at this point will often yell out "I call that one!" and if it works great, but if not Brian has to work some of his wingman skills.
- BriTANicK want to roleplay what it would be like to hit on girls in a bar with Hayes and Sean acting as the girls, but Hayes and Sean inform them that they are not gay, but he still thinks that those guys are great and talented and nice. Hayes volunteers Cody to play a girl. A horny girl. Keep in mind that a peacock just died right in front oh her, and her friend maybe was grazed by a bullet he is not supposed to mention that a peacock just died in front of her just know it happened
- Cody: Oh my god!
- Brian: Oh, hello.
- Nick: I call this one.
- Brian: How do you feel about that?
- Cody: Did that animal just die?
- Brian: Yeah like ten minutes ago, we got that. That animal was coming after you so we had to kill it to save your life!
- Brian: How do you feel about that?
- Cody: Jesus Christ!
- Brian: Yeah but what about us?
- Nick: Do you need any gauze? we might have some
- Cody: God, I don't know.
- The scene breaks and Hayes congratulates Cody on his acting ability. He thought he was setting him up for failure but he was so unbelievable good at playing this character.
- Nick apologizes saying it never goes like that, Cody must have been playing a real uggo, dragon type of girl
- Cody was upset that the bird got killed he has a strange relationship with birds.
- All of them cast a vote on who they think can do the best bird voice. It is a tie between Sean and Hayes. Hayes does some strategizing when he places his vote, knowing that Sean performs well as an underdog but gets lazy when complimented and might fall asleep under a tree
- For some reason the conversation changes to bar stools and how to sit on them. Sean says that he's gotten really bad rashes from trying to spin in bar stools that don't have the capability to spin. BriTANicK go around to schools and inform kids how to hop onto bar stools.
- BriTANicK bring up the fact that they never actually did the bird sounds, and Sean and Hayes insist that they already did them. Hayes quickly plays the Popcorn Gallery Theme and begins the Popcorn Gallery instead of addressing the bird noise conundrum.
- Later in the popcorn gallery Mark does the undisputed best bird impression and the others decide not to even try to compete with it.
- A Lurch is mentioned in the Popcorn Gallery which scares Sean and Hayes a lot.
- Sean questions if Nick has actually read Last of the Mohicans because he didn't know that there are some blank pages in it he could have written his family members' names in. This leads to a dispute, and Nick bragging that maybe he could do the best bird impression. Sean joins Nick and Brian beneath the table, leaving Hayes to do the show all alone. Hayes does not like being all alone on the show
- Hayes notices that BriTANicK is similar to TiTANicK and is offended because a lot of people's moms and dads probably died on that thing. There were also a lot of hijinks on the ship before it sank. Like sardines, do you know that game? Like hide and seek, but reversed? Hayes finds this premise very interesting. Sean and Hayes really contemplate this deeply.
Recurring Segments Edit
- Suck on These - Sean doubles back and mentions that he would like to tell every other Earwolf podcast to get way, way down there and suck on these. This is the first time BriTANicK has been on an Earwolf podcast, and they should get down on their knees and get ready to open their mouth real real wide and suck on these.
- The U2 podcast with the U2 guys. "You two guys are gonna have to suck on these two guys" (Hayes and Sean)
- The Wolfden. "Well den, why don't you get down there and just go ahead and suck on these"
- Popcorn Gallery
- Mean Detective - "What is that? Like, you get half of the sweet doeseph and you're just satisfied with that or what?"
- They do split the doeseph right in half. Mike had a doeseph problem for a while and was overdosing on doeseph.
- Anastasia Vigo - "Brian and Nick: Do you guys like to kiss each other in real life or just in your sketches?"
- What's to say there's a difference between the two? They're trying to show girls that they are good at kissing. Both.
- Greggy - "Nick, Nick this is important. It's Engineer Cody, he's in my computer. He sucked my foot into the CD ROM drive. Nick Kocher, I need some advice here, soon as possible. I'm really scared. How do you juggle work, life, and family and still find time to have a good time? Please get your answer to me ASAP. I'm afraid for my life. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
- Nick keeps a book with his family members names and phone numbers so in them so he remembers to call them. He thinks going on hikes is important. Cody can't be in the wires because he is standing in the room with Sean and Hayes, unless he is a hologram. Greggy probably just stepped on a CD ROM drive on accident and maybe is a little embarrassed.
- Greggy - (To Brian) "Will you be on my podcast?"
- Absolutely (this is Brian's chance to shine so he tries to stretch out his answer as long as he can)
- Mean Detective - "What is that? Like, you get half of the sweet doeseph and you're just satisfied with that or what?"
- Pro Version - WEdidITagain - His prize this week is a couple of great bird impressions and working his name into it by the BriTANicK guys. They do a bird impression and then say "Thanks for buying the pro version!"
Recurring Jokes Edit
- Sean's Little Cousin - Sean went and saw Gravity with Sam, and he kept trying to drive the Sandra Bullock ship and crash into a star or blow up a alien with it, and it wasn't going the way he point his controller.
- Hayes's Loud Laugh - Sean revealing his gamertag and forgetting to change the numbers made Hayes release an unforced, non-bit loud laugh
- Hayes bursts into laughter during the scene Cody does with Nick and Brian
- Too Scary - Fairuza Balk won't let you pick her as a playable character in MInecraft because she's the bad guy at the end and too scary
- Lauffing - Hayes talks about how watching BriTANicK's stuff gives him a good hard lauff
- Hamburger Sandwich - Brain talks about how he can't fathom talking about something mundane like a hamburger sandwich on a computer instead of sketch comedy
- Scoop Troop - Sean tells the scoop troop to get out their pins when Nick and Brian talk about their computer closet and Hayes asks them to Speak on That. Brian talks about how the closet is actually in a basement, but Brian and Nick call it their closet. It's their basement closet.
- Sean asks BriTANicK to speak on that about what fans of theirs call them geniuses: Brian and Nick mention people like RiskayBizness, Butterfan55, Butterfan62, GoAmericaGoGoGo, ReesesPiecesMeSaysNiecesNieces, TheOfficialReesesPieces, TheBarnyardLanyardsAssociation.
- Hayes asks Nick and Brian to speak on that about how stars are made of clay and paper. Basically the same thing that makes clay and paper is the same thing stars are made of, so is there any difference? Just like the difference between real life and their sketches.
- Bashing Other Podcasts - During the suck on these segment Hayes and Sean take a stab at U Talkin' U2 To Me? and the Wolfden
- Homoeroticism - Hayes and Sean state they are NOT gay and make Cody play a horny girl in a scene with Nick and Brian instead of them. Brian and Nick only do kissy in their sketches
- Talking to the Engineer - They talk with Cody and have him be in a scene with Nick and Brian during the guest segment.
- Mark - They forgot to reach into the popcorn bag before asking the first question so they reach in after and find Mark making fun of Brian's quip about the "doeseph problem"
- Mark does an incredible impression of a bird in his sound drop. He won the bird competition.
- Comic Books - Hayes's favorite comic book guy is "The Monster"
- Too Scary - A mention of the Lurch makes Hayes and Sean's skin crawl. The way he answers a door is just as terrifying as can be!
- The Toilet Bowl Cleaners - Sean does a very, very cheerful ad. The Toilet Bowl Cleaners are the best poop-song band in the world! The second best poop-song band in the world is the Muddy Trouser Boys, and it's not even close! They're so much better. It's not even a debate. Sean doesn't even know why he brought them up. Reads their hits, they're real poop songs! Except the Muddy Trouser Boys just blow into a jug the whole time. Listen and laugh! See ya at the end of the show!
- Earwolfman Jack - Comes on to do an ad about Kulap Vilaysack's documentary Origin Story. Earwolfman Jack wants all his little kiddies to hurry up and donate, the campaign ends next week. Ooh-ooh-awooo!