"Ellie Kemper, Our Close Friend" is the seventh episode of Hollywood Handbook.

Official Earwolf Page

Earwolf Synopsis Edit

Sean and Hayes throw back the curtains on the industry by playing a game of Gmail Roulette and prepare listeners for any type of Hollywood meeting during Let’s Do Lunching. Then, ELLIE KEMPER graciously lends us her time as she recalls old Hollywood Game Nights, chooses her favorite sitcom pitches while playing a game of Ellie-Vator Pitch, tells us if it’s nice to be given clothes to act in, and shares how she’s preparing for her upcoming portrayal of Lady Gaga.

Notes & Memorable Quotes Edit

Please be advised: there is a known issue with the sound quality of this episode. The sound levels fly wildly out of control from 28:56 - 31:32, including spiking and hitting zero.

Pre-guest Segment Edit

  • S&H reject labels.
  • Random makes comedy good. Random is a key element of Gmail Roulette (see below)
  • Hayes is hesitant to do people favors in Hollywood because they always try and grab a big handful of his [redacted]. When someone does a favor for him, their eyes get like slits because they expect him to try and grab a handful
  • "Fichtner"
  • Zeppelins shouldn't be able to fly

Guest Segment Edit

  • So freakin' stoked to have Helen Kemper on the show
  • S&H used to host famous Hollywood Game Nights
  • Past Winners of HGN went on to do many great things afterwards - Minnie Driver was on HGN then went on to be in Good Will Hunting. This is the old way of breaking into the industry, now it's all about Twitter
  • Some people during the Pictionary portion of HGN draw vulgar things (e.g. people at the parties f'ing and s'ing). Dennis Haysbert, Stellan Skarsgård. Hayes beat up Haysbert
  • Cody leaves the studio during recording. Makes Sean steamin' hot. He is trying to ruin the show.
  • Ellie is chosen to be one of the actresses who portray Lady Gaga for a month (May 2014. May is renowned as the best Gaga month). Needed a little help! Ellie might want to make a Gaga dress out of something floral, roses, tulips, lily pads, sunflowers, dandelion. Live salamander living in the dress could be fun
  • Milla Jovovich, Tig Notaro have donned the Gaga role. Sean's favorite Gaga was George H.W. Bush. Hayes was Brian Williams. Ellie liked Beyoncé

Recurring Segments Edit

  • Gmail Roulette
    1. Sean - Julia Louis-Dreyfuss - Subject: "Did I screw up?" JLD thought when Sean agreed to write an episode of Watching Ellie, and (incorrectly) took this as an indicator of sexual interest ("feelin' it"). JLD "tried" to grab Sean's [redacted]. She reached down, and squeezed a big handful of his [redacted] and her eyes got like frickin' saucers and went "Oh my god, so it's true. Let's get out of here. Now"
    2. Hayes - Crocodile Hunter - Subject: "THANK you" Crocodile Hunter, while homeless, adapted Hayes blackbox stage performance of being the crocodile hunter for TV. Also tried to grab a big handful of Hayes's [redacted]. Eyes like saucers.
  • Let's Do Lunching - tips for the types of meetings you're going to have in the city
    1. Choosing a restaurant - The best restaurants are the most famous ones (French Palace, Spotlight Grill, anything with bistro of grill in the title (Madonna's Bistro, The Sly Stallone Grill), William Fichtner's Place
    2. Time/method of arrival - DON'T make a reservation, show up late so the person you're meeting can't get a table, become late, then you're the hero when you get the table. Tell the person on the phone you'll make the reservation, then chide them at the restaurant for not doing so. DO make a reservation, but not under your real name.
    3. At the table - test to see if the table will flip, in case the proceedings go south. Movies Grill has tables attached to the ground with spikes.
    4. Conversation - confuse the name of the person you're meeting with, with the name of the waiter. An example is given with James Franco (actor) & Raoul (waiter). If you're a good enough actor, you can convince them of this, even (Craig T Nelson got Sean bread, Hayes managed to force confusion on identity with Jon Heder and Sandra Bullock)
    5. Ordering - Don't. Say surprise me to the waiter, when they bring you food, reprimand them. You would have been surprised by a scale-model zeppelin. If this happens, take it home, put it on your mantle, what an amazing invention the zeppelin is
  • Ellie-Vator Pitch
    1. Round One - Sean: Moonman dad punched back to earth, falls in love with and marries a woman (NASA jet driver), stay on earth or go back to moon to beat up kid?. Hayes: Old ship with sails, stowaway mom. Winner: Hayes
    2. Round Two - Sean: Single Mom, a spy, loses job, has to move back in with her dad, Hitler's ghost (who is nice) who has a mean boss. Mom uses spy powers to embarrass the boss. Hayes: Forever Pregnant. Always 9.5 months pregnant. Can she meet guys and succeed in the workplace? Great oppurtunity for physical comedy. Not a prosthetic, mostly reversible surgeries. Winner: Sean
  • Popcorn Gallery
    1. Valerie Bryant - "Is it fun to be you?"
      • Sometimes it's fun, sometimes it's not.
    2. Hunter - "When they give you clothes to do acting in, is that nice?"
      • It's so nice. Who doesn't like clothes and pretending to be someone else?
    3. OcterDoctopus - "We all know that you make a large chunk of your personal income from sponsored tweets. Are you going to branch out into Vine? Or, as you stated in an earlier interview with Salon, is that still "just something poor people do when they want to be obnoxious"?"
      • I haven't got a twitter yet, is that question for someone else?
  • Pro Version - TheNarnold - he gets to be the new engineer! Might get a Lady Gaga song dedicated to you in May. Erika Thompson got a song: "Erika / with your dark hair / and your /and your earring / and your alt self / Erika! Erika! Erika!"

Recurring Jokes Edit

  • Speak on That - Hayes speaks on not ordering food. Ellie is asked to expand on many topics rising from her first two popcorn gallery questions.
  • Too Scary - Sean likes model zeppelins, real ones are too scary
  • Bridesmaids - Ellie Kemper was in Bridesmaids
  • Talking to the Engineer - Cody is not invited to, yet speaks anyway. Forces Ellie to address Cody about how his leaving makes her feel.
  • Rando -Random makes comedy good. Random is a key element of Gmail Roulette

Ads Edit

  • Earwolf store - a repeat from earlier episodes

Episode Photos Edit

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