Dave Holmes, Our Close Friend

Episode

20

Release Date

February 18, 2014

Episode Guide
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Adam DeVine, Our Close Friend	Nick Thune, Our Close Friend

"Dave Holmes, Our Close Friend" is the twentieth episode of Hollywood Handbook.

Official Earwolf Page

Earwolf Synopsis[]

Sean and Hayes tell listeners all about the good TV they watch it in a segment called “Who Watches The Watchmans” and revisit the “Teaser Freezer” to discuss 3 Days to Kill starring Kevin Copsner. Then the boys are fired up to be joined by DAVE HOLMES aka the original Noid from the Domino’s pizza commercials to give us a quick sample from the board game he’s working on, teach the guys how to watch TV on their phones, and go back through some of his most famous MTV moments.

Notes & Memorable Quotes[]

Pre-Guest Segment[]

Hayes over the song: Sean and Hayes are the LA Kings now, the hockey team is the LA Goalies. Sean agrees to misagree, he already knew that
To see a teaser, go to LA or New York where they have big movie house screen. Get in good with the ticket boss and he'll get you the ticket. Then, don't panic when the first thing comes on the screen, that's not the movie that you paid to see: that is the teasers.

Guest Segment[]

Sean over the song: further explaining the 'Ponzi scheme' joke from last episode.
Dave is introduced as the original Noid from the Dominoes pizza commercials, denies it. Engineer Sam prepared the note cards for the show. Sam says he found this online in a comments section
Sean encourages Sam to avoid the Earwolf reddit.. they're not fans.
A particular weaver, when making a mistake at the loom, they incorporate that mistake and repeat it, and now it's part of the product.
Dave is having a pool party with pizza later this afternoon so he can Instagram it. He likes to eat pizza. To say otherwise is fuckin' foolish.
What Dave hasn't done:
1. Flown a plane (Sean and Hayes think he will love it. Great perspective up there. Particularly with older models before planes would fly themselves like they do today)
2. Done a board game, Rob Delaney style. Been associated with a board game. Might do something like "Boy! That Lorde sure looks ______" (Hayes: Smart, Sean: Genius. Actual answer: disheveled. She needs to run a brush through the hair, a little leave-in conditioner)
3. Zorbed
Dave wishes there was a channel that still plays music videos so he can introduce one of Lorde's music videos
Sean and Hayes are unfamiliar with the Challenge franchise on MTV, and have never discussed it with Dave before
Dave Holmes is a stage name. Hayes can sure smell a stage name! Real name is Ed Speelers (now there is one guy on Downton Abby with that name). 'Spiel' is german for 'Game', which is appropriate because Dave is such a Gamer
Dave talks to the boys about Xbox. You can watch TV through the Xbox. You can even watch TV on your phones
Hayes gets his phone out and it makes a dial tone and the case is too good, he can't quite get it to shut down. "Dial tone off, I command you off!" worked though
The models may be changing and the industry may be changing due to watching TV on Xbox and phones. The models may be changing! The marketplace might be different! Hayes thinks this topic is a little dangerous for this show.
Hollywood Handbook the show is like a pizza and he doesn't want to destroy it, get a jackhammer and stand on top of it.
Dave might be throwing them off the scent.. if he didn't want to destroy a pizza, why mention it? Hmm.
Dave wonders if anyone has ever tried to eat broccoli on a pizza? Sean proposes that this agenda would be beloved by the Noid. And the Noid would arrive in disguise as a Hollywood jack of all trades. In a hoodie with the hood up, with a peek at large ears.
Dave on announcing the death of Aaliyah: "Everybody: sit the FUCK down. For a minute. Put down you pizza, get it out of the room. Sit down, and listen to me. She's gone!"
Dave has brought a little round object to the studio that says "Pizza bomb" on it, and has been hiding it behind his back. Says its for kick ball with a number of celebrities
Dave likes pizza because it makes him remember his mortality. It's sloppily made and topped with things that will kill you, and it's fun to have every once in a great while
"Wait a second... the letters, in "Dave Holmes." If you rearrange them! It's 'THE NOID!' Dave Holmes is the original Noid!""Fuck.."
Scoop troop: Dave Holmes was the original Noid all along
Dave apologizes for being cagey about his true identity. Hayes: "Kevin Garnett?" A word-sound joke Hayes likes to do. He's just wired for the stuff, he makes these jokes and you go WTF!? Pretty cool.
Dave's going to build a mesa to do peyote and tai chi in the middle of. You stand in the middle and pop up, 1-2-3-then go

Recurring Segments[]

Who Watches the Watchmans - and set your watch to do it (Sean and Hayes are the Watchmans, and they're checking their watches to know when the good shows are on)
- DVR stands for Digital Video Remember to DVR (Digital Video Record) the show you want to watch!
- Sean watches TV by: putting on a good suit, going down to the bistro, the Movies Bistro, and ordering the (Italian accent) shrimp scallopini, the pasta pomodoro, the meatballs! Has the maitre d' go down to the Best Buy or the Circuit City, pick up one of their best TVs, and he cranks it, just blasts the volume.
- Sean watched The Following: he hasn't seen all of them, it was a little tough to... follow. Kevin Baking plays a mean detective. He hates detecting, but it's his job. Like if Sean hated making movies. He's looking at pictures, drivin', yellin'. And he also, the whole time, has his badge with him, just in case. So, when he finds out the killer he hates wants to do more killing, you don't want this mean guy mad at you like that. HE SCREAMS! And he just about smashes right out of the TV! "CUT IT OUT!!" Sean threw his scallopini in his own face he was so scared (emotion scare). A-
- Hayes watched The Blacklist: follows Artemis Black, famous killer. At the very beginning he was wearing a black hat and a black jacket, a list of clothes that are black. And he goes to the police station and he holds out his arms and they think that he's going to strangle somebody, but really what he wants is to them is to put the handcuffs on. And now he.. is on the police. And because he has a killer's mind, he can watch it take place when he sees footprints. He can tell the police who.. what... the killing is about. But there's always the danger that he can escape, and this week he did! Artemis Black is on the loose! And all he wants to do is kill! And he does kill, he kills a person who was the killer they were looking for. It's addicting.
- It's called "binge watching" because of all the spaghetti you have to eat while watching TV at the nice restaurant, and then you stick your toothbrush down your throat and make yourself throw up, "because in this town, you gotta be thin, baby!"
Teaser Freezer - "3 Days to Kill"
- Who is that voice? It sounds like an old guy that just woke up, or maybe a cartoon duck that's the mean neighbor to the beaver, chomping on a big duck cigar. It's Kevin Copsner, and he borrowed Joaquin Phoenix's hoagie! (discussed previously on Ep. #003 - Donald Glover, Our Close Friend).
- A killer who is killing someone who would kill someone else, so that it is bad to kill but good to not let the other guy kill. The agency Kevin Copsner means is not the big Ten Percenteries around Hollywood
- Copsner's character is named Ethan-- makes you think of Ethan from Mission Impossible. So you know he's that kind of guy! Hayes thinks he should be called James Bond.
- Ethan is the best killer the agency has because he is old. No one is better than shooting a gun or doing a flip than old guys, why most of the top athletes are in their late 50s, early 60s
- Ethan's daughter is going to London for work - very important to know this is for work and not visiting a friend. remember this dumb fucks if you ever get lucky enough to cut a teaser
- Ethan is sick! He fell on the floor, can't see right. He needs an experimental drug, and he comes in a red velvet box.
- "So that's the job: you have three days to kill" "Ahh!! So there it is." Always say the name of the movie in the teaser. Sean was so pissed when American Hustle didn't do this, and he couldn't figure out the name of it when he was talking to his ticket boss buddy.
- "You know, a lot of my friends' dads are in sales, but not one of them dresses like you." A visual joke! Are you in sales or are you actually a hired killer. He is wearing a full suit... with tie. Over a white button shirt. What are you selling in that? Selling bullets..right into someone's head?
- Interrogating a guy, and daughter wants to make spaghetti: now we're in the meat of what really makes this a good teaser! Gets a call from his daughter who is sitting on an abandoned roller coaster. Did any of you see that piece of shit movie Taken? No you didn't. It was a complete failure. He's never being funny about his daughter.. because she's taken away for the whole movie! That's why this movie is so much better, he's trying to be a good dad while doing killing.
- It's funny to make a person from a different country say their name, which is an ethnic slur. "I'm a-Guido!" They listed all the ethnic slurs last week
- Every time he talks to the bad woman, she reminds him there are three days left to kill
- He's in the car with his daughter, they car isn't moving, they hear a noise, he says it's the spare. Sometimes when you have magic jumping beans in your spare for added buoyancy, they get going, and make the spare hop around.
Pro Version - Common Sence. Hayes will try to make your initials into funny wordplay (He's very good at it). Dave Holmes will custom destroy your pizza by rolling it out into the street, getting on top of a Double Decker bus and crashing headfirst into a lorry on top of the pizza

Recurring Jokes[]

Sean's Dad - Sean is Grounded
Doesn't Own a TV - Some people don't believe Sean! SEARCH HIS HOUSE! It'll take you all frickin' week it's so big. And his Dad won't like it.
Scoop Troop
1. "You have to use twitter"
2. "If one wants to be remembered as tasting well, one must leave them hungry for more - a lesson from Liz "Small Plates" Tyler.
3. Dave Holmes was the original Noid all along

Too Scary - Kevin Baking Jumping out of the TV during The Following
Flyover States - Some people don't believe him! SEARCH HIS HOUSE! It'll take you all frickin' we
ek it's so big. And his Dad won't like it.
Talking to the Engineer - The guys berate Sam for saying Dave is the Noid, they later realise Sam was right the whole time.
Seinfeld -The Seinfeld recipe is get a little broccoli in the brownies so the kids can eat their broccoli. Maybe put some broccoli on a pizza
Doing a Scene - Dave Holmes takes everyone back to when Aaliyah passed away and he had to deliver the news
Speak on That - Dave's home improvement projects (A Grotto, stations of the cross around the backyard and a Mesa for him to do Peyote on).
Italy - Sean watches TV at Movies Bistro. Not the reason I put this here but also pizza is Italian food.