Little Esther, Our Close Friend

Episode

30

Release Date

April 29, 2014

Episode Guide
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Jordan Morris, Our Close Friend	Dave Thomas, Our Close Friend

"Little Esther, Our Close Friend" is the thirtieth episode of Hollywood Handbook.

Official Earwolf Page

Earwolf Synopsis[]

Sean and Hayes explain why Sean’s voice sounds different this week, then are inspired by the great Beatles to take you through “A Day In the Life” of Alexander Payne. Then LITTLE ESTHER joins the boys for a discussion of who’s pretending to be gay, being scared of the Internet, American Girl dolls, and the difference between offer-only and a holding deal.

Notes & Memorable Quotes[]

Pre-Guest Segment[]

Hayes over the theme: "So they go to Shakira and she's like "that was good, like you have good range or whatever," and then they go to me and I'm like "You think that was good? Check this out." I get up there, I do my moves, and Blake Shelton is, he goes "Now that's boss." "I know, I watched."
Sean has had a little procedure for a movie role, he's had one of his front teeth removed. He sounds a little goofy in this episode. He got a script where the main character had a Southern accent, so he thought he could wrap his head around the character: he's probably some backwoods fucking dumb fuck who is missing some of his teeth and fucks his cousin with a opossum-skin condom. Hayes thinks the character saw a tomato on a soup can and said "Mm thaat looks good" and tried to take a big bite for lunch
Yes big Hollywood stars go to the dentist too. People at home tie the end of a string to the tooth and one end to the door and slam it.
"Annnd that's Hollywood, baby!"

Guest Segment[]

Sean over the theme: "So, he's so needy, right? and he's like, 'Uu did you think that it's good, did you like it? What did you think?' and I'm like, 'I don't know what to tell ya, John.. Cena, I've seen bigger jump kickies.' and he goes 'Oh yeah? Bigger than this!?' and he goes to jump kick me, and I catch his feet and I go, "Ya get one, John. One."
Esther is the executive producer of Weird Adults on Feral Audio, which is more of a collective.
She requested alkalized water and Brett only provided water that was filtered in some way. She took two sips. Hayes asks if she's OK or if she'd like to lie down on the table (Lamorne Morris did).
She loves Lamorne! He just texted her last night, with Sean as well. He does a lot of random emojis. Like I didn't even know that was an emoji. Like an 🐙?
Esther was talking about some of the people she's had sex with before starting recording, but she doesn't want to talk about it. Some people in Hollywood come out as gay to help their careers, but Esther has slept with them
Now they're talking about a different thing, where they just say actor's names: Neil Patrick Harris (an actor who is very famous).
A certain celebrity that she has slept with is really into her body and going down on her. Her butt. If you're straight, just let the world know.
Bryan Singer would go so far as to pretend he raped a 17 year-old boy to help his career, but he's giving Esther the good stuff on the reg'. She might do the X-men stuff.
When she started her career she was known as 'Large Esther' but lost weight when UTA came along. There are weigh-ins every Tuesday mornings. The WME weigh-ins are Thursdays, so much better than Sean's. Her goal weight is to be 90 lbs. From.. it's not proper to say your starting weight
Now to a separate conversation, where they just say numbers: 130 (yuck). She's 5' tall, that's like obese. It says so on her Driver's License. She's been known to roller blade
Be nice to people, you never know who is an Undercover Boss
Esther saw Office Space. She spilled some water on herself, she does have a silly side! Like a person, a human being. Sometimes she just wears PJs.
Ron Livingsdale got chewed up by this city and spit out because he was a little too straight
Captain America: Winter Soldier built on the original. Hayes is tired of all the CG.
When Esther was a child, she was a hand model for the American Girl doll catalog. She held the Tiny collection, miniature versions of the classic dolls: Molly, Samantha, Abby, Felicity. Sean was in Williamsburg, VA when they premiered the doll Felicity, she's from colonial times! They have great rock candy down there, in old time candy shoppes! And big jawbreakers, the size of your fist! That thing will really break your jaw, not like the ones they make nowadays
She had tiny hands and may have used them to make the tiny collection seem regular size and then sell them for full price. She got an inflatable chair, but it was before logos so it was without them. Some young models can be exploited as they're naive
Now a separate conversation with unrelated sexual events with someone famous not related to being a child model: rape, and the word Pope
She got a text from Kendall
"Got any lifehacks?" she transitioned from auditioning to offer-only.
Hayes thinks 'offer-only' is where people just give you money and you don't have to do anything to get it. Esther corrects him that what he defined was technically a 'holding deal.' It was .. a little weird. This is mortifying. Sean couldn't even look at him. So awkward!
Esther announces her new line of tanning lotion that is more of a glitter infusion
Hayes then reads the definition of a holding deal. But no one ever even asked him to define holding deal. He does know what offer only is too, is something where the Loews Hollywood H
otel..
Hayes thinks that this is enough of the show, it's been almost 30 minutes. Despite sometimes doing 35 or 40 and taking some out. He feels they lost steam about 5 minutes ago after making a big oopsie
Esther thinks Hayes should try transcendental meditation. Sean thinks maybe he knows so much?
Hayes has trouble wrapping up the show. He wants Sean to handle this for him when he asks

Recurring Segments[]

A Day in the Life - Hayes and Sean love the Beatles. The musicianship. And the songs! Oh my god. You never hear songs today where the lyrics are like po'eems. They take you through the day of a famous auteur
- Alexander Payne - Here's a guy who is not really big enough to do the podcast, but enough interest in him to walk you through his typical day.
  1. Wakes up, and what do you know, he wakes up with the TV on. And it was on HBO, he was watching Game of Thrones (no spoilers!). They're rerunning an episode of Hung and it's the one episode that he directed and he hopes no one remember that he did that
  2. He goes to have some brunch, and in his kitchen there's a little snowglobe that has the skyline of Omaha, NE in it because it's really important to him that people think he is really attached to his hometown. He keeps hundreds of these around the house, throws this one away.
  3. Goes down to get the paper and he says "Mmm I wonder if they reviewed any of my movies today!" and they did, they review Sideways. They're talking about the part where the guy doesn't want to drink merlot! He thinks that's the only thing people remember about that movie and wonders if he made too much hay out of this. Tucked in the newspaper is a not from Thomas Haden Church saying thanks for reviving my career like Tarantino did for Travolta, but he remembers that he only did that one big Spider-man movie that people didn't really like
  4. It's time to take a little drive to go the bathroom of the public library. Get in limousine, go down to the bathroom and sit on the toilet and start watching a movie on your phone. Someone kicks in the door of the stall and they see your naked body and they think of the time you showed Kathy Bates's naked body in About Schmidt which is what everyone remembers about that movie. And that the lead guy was very good in it, and not very happy.
  5. Now it's time to go throw rocks at the Hollywood sign! Throw a couple of rocks and go "Take that, Hollywood!" because you're a Hollywood outsider and it's important to you that people think that. You doze off, then wake up and someone has written a script for you, a bunch of good young writers are happy to have your name on it! (Deadline article suggesting this topic)
  6. Go home and go back to bed. Have the same dream where everyone is taking the awards away from you, but you also know that every award is fulfilling a debt for not getting any for Election
Pro Version - Joe McGurl (as Washington Monugent) - Esther is going to tell him the name of one person we thought was one sexual orientation but turns out he's another one: Zachary Quinto

Recurring Jokes[]

Coo coo - Do you know how they made that part in "A Day in the Life" by the Beatles where everything goes just totally insane!? Hayes heard they just went outside and just gathered natural sound, Sean heard that John Lennon was smoking a reefer cigarette too close to the microphone and set the mic on fire!
Talking to the Engineer - Brett didn't provide Esther alkalized water like she asked.
Sean's Little Cousin - sets up the computer so Sean can enjoy web series. Sam looked up Esther for the hosts too
Crack My Shit Up - lot security guards will radio up to the studio execs if you have a funny entrance
American Girl - When Esther was a child, she was a hand model for the American Girl doll catalog. She held the Tiny collection, miniature versions of the classic dolls: Molly, Samantha, Abby, Felicity. Sean was in Williamsburg, VA when they premiered the doll Felicity, she's from colonial times!
Flyover States - if you live in a state like Oklahoma or Nebraska, you have a job chopping bricks in half in exchange for a bag of sheckles
Holding Deal - Hayes reveals that he doesn't know the difference between a 'holding deal' and 'offer-only'