Two Birthday Boys, Our Close Friends

Episode

53

Release Date

October 7, 2014

Episode Guide
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"Two Birthday Boys, Our Close Friends" is the fifty-third episode of Hollywood Handbook.

Official Earwolf Page

Earwolf Synopsis[]

Hayes and Sean have a discussion with Engineer Cody about refreshments before addressing an interesting new cultural phenomenon they’re getting into. Then the guys issue a challenge to their listeners to help them become the second-least popular podcast on Earwolf. Finally, MIKE HANFORD and DAVE FERGUSON show up to discuss Alfred E. Neuman books, the history of the lo mein sketch, and answer questions about names from the Chip Gallery.

Notes & Memorable Quotes[]

Pre-Guest Segment[]

Hayes over the theme: "So I'm at the video store, going back and forth, saying 'That's not what I want, that's not what I want.' And I.. just don't understand what's going on and I finally say 'Ooo, I'm looking for Looking for Comedy in the Muslim World, I'm not looking for A comedy in the Muslim world. Have you had that!?" Sean has, at the same video store too, he believes, so they should have been prepared.
Sean: "Code-man, can we get a water bottle in here!? I notice when Sam's the engineer, there's like a bottle of water in here." And he's constantly refilling it. Hayes notices that there is one water bottle in here, and it's in Cody's hand. Cody likes the water. Hayes and Sean always make Cody talk because, they're always supposed to have water
Hayes warns Cody about a little thing that's going around, and reminds him they shouldn't share glasses. Cody has got a big fat dip in, and every time he takes a sip of water he back-washes the tobacco spit, and then takes a sip again.
Before getting to the guest, Hayes announces a little change to the program. They'd like to ask us (the listeners) for some help with a little project they're doing. They like to get together, and it's just Sean talking to Hayes and some of their friends. Although they, for the first time, made an enemy. They're part of this Earwolf podcast network. There's this other show on the network called "The Wolf Den." They got into a sort of headbutting match over studio scheduling and engineers, and they actually stole engineer Brett and they have to work with Cody
The Wolf Den guys were bragging and boasting about being the second least-popular podcast, one step ahead of Hollywood Handbook, according to the numbers, probably because they don't care. Although this doesn't even include parts of the internet, like people's phones
Let's! Get! Wolf Den! They're comin for you, they're gonna become the second least spot. They want the listeners to listen more or harder, and tell their friends. But don't tell them about this Challenge, or Wolf Den, because this may make them tune into that show. Wolf Den is a show about the business of podcasting, this is not going to be easy. Sean and Hayes only know about movies, and TV, and people. Listen up! Listen up to the show!
Hayes interrupts the plea because he notices a coffee cup on the table with headphones around it, and it looks like the coffee is listening to headphones! And the coffee has an open mouth, like it's laughing! They double check to ensure that Cody got a photo of this. This is just lucky! Cody wants to share it.
Coffee listening to headphones aside, some other shows in the past have mentioned subscribe on your friends phones or computers, or buy a bunch of computers. Do a bunch more reviews, maybe make multiple accounts

Guest Segment[]

Sean over the theme: "So, I'm there with Finch.. Fincher, Dav'Fincher. And yyyyou know how Finch is, right? He's a little bit of a hound dog? And we're watching her ride the mechanical bull and he goes 'It kinda look, like she's having sex!" Hayes wonders if this is Fiinch, or Fichtner. They try and get this figured out, repeating the various versions of the name in different ways
Hayes and Sean recall first hearing about these young boys hitting the town and wanting to do sketch comedy, and Sean was pretty pissed. Well, they better be getting some big laughs!
They got together with Bob Odenkirk, and that he promised them that he was in charge of MadTV and he was tricking them into thinking they could get on that show. Dave asks if maybe Hayes is thinking of Alfred E. Neuman? They didn't have any interaction with Alfred. Hayes may have gotten them confused, he has that funny smile. Mike and Dave make it clear that they love Alfred's work, just haven't had the pleasure
Sean asks about some of the biggest laughs the guests have gotten from Alfred's books. Mike accidentally says the Spy by Spy, triggering Hayes's loud laugh. Mike particularly likes when the Grey Spy shows up, you don't know which way he's going to go. Dave's biggest laugh factor comes from the split tooth, that gap! And how you can fold them in and connect them, closing off the gap. And then instead of Mad it says M-D, like it's a doctor! People don't realize you can fold any page of a Mad magazine. You can fold any page of a book too! Make a goose!
In the early days of working with Bob, he would make them do sketch comedy. And pick pockets. This was pre-Breaking Bad, before he went Boffo. Now he does Boffo B.O., he's extremely boffo. He was culty, indie. Bob's intitials are B.O.: B.O. boffo and the B.O., that works so nice. When he was little, B.O. 'body odor,' but now it has changed.
Hayes got some teasing in the locker room as a young man, and it made him funnier. "Hayes" like a foggy day, or purple haze. Mike can't think of a worse thing to be compared to. Sean and Hayes together got the old Will and Grace treatment. ~~Hayes Seanman~~ Sean Hayes was on there! This w
as a big part of the pitch for this show. They're the Grey Spy in a way
Mike was on a hockey team where and older player took him aside at a mall in between games, and he said "You know you're a shithead, right?" And Mike nodded.
Dave wants to take everyone back to the 90s: a wind sound marks this transition. Everyone sees things in this scene, the voice of Don Pardo (God rest his soul), it's Saturday night (not a re-air on E!). He's watching NBC. "Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!" Dave's favorite spoof comes on, Celebrity Jeopardy! Sean explains the nature of this spoof in detail. Instead of Trebek, they get Anchorman himself! ~~Scott Anchorman~~ William Ferrel plays the role. Mike doesn't see how this is going to get Dave hazed at all-- Two words. Turd Ferguson. The shot heard round the Ferguson household! Everyone cried. And Dave knew the next day everyone would be calling him that, and you know what? One guy did. This is partly why Dave is so funny today, weaponized his pain.
Sean encourages Dave to use a swearword in front of another last name. Dave comes up with, directed at Mike's 5-year-old nephew: "Butt Hanford!"
Mike asks if swearing is allowed, and they boys tell him only if they have to. They don't like to talk about going to the bathroom, or ...doing intercourse. This is a very nice way to say a very ugly act. Hideous act.
As a part of the Independent Film Channel, they members of the Birthday Boys had to become registered Independents. They lost some members because of this, split the group right in half. They were originally 14 white guys and Condoleezza Rice. She's a staunch conservative and couldn't handle this. She was their Maya Rudolph, a jack-of-all-trades. Only because of this and no other way. She's doing something with sports now
Mike is afraid of voting. The little room with the curtain, what if the lever snaps and you get a piece of skin caught?! Buuwh! Dave suggests thinking of this as well as the lever pulling a jackpot like on a casino pull
Re: Casino pull addictions -- everyone has lost a lot of friends. Just one more pull, they say. But sometimes they pull it and they hit the jackpot, then you look the full. Sometimes people pull the lever off the casino pull and start having sex with it-- this re-opens the discussion about how disgusting this act is. Sean furrows his brow with every word during these types of discussions. He does not get excited.
Hayes says it's a hot tip, that whenever you want to do a casino pull, go vote instead. Mike inquires if there's going to be a new M&M vote coming up? New colors? This sets Sean off on a rant:
"I know some of the chip flavors are getting voted on. And let me tell you something about those 'Cappuccino' flavored potato chips! I don't THINK so! No sir! You better not come with that weak, weird stuff. Not to my door! Oh boy, whoever came up with that, American who wanted to participate in a contest, if I ever find you on a street, boyo, you better run the other way!"... "And I just know the little twerp who came up with the cappuccino chip is out there so smug 'Oo let me sip my potato chip!' I don't THINK so!! You little brat."
Dave is so excited that Sean did 'the line.' Mike is wearing is "I don't THINK so!" t-shirt, with just a white shirt and a black marker. The writing was upside down. Dave suggests that Mike could have just traced his tattoo. Sean thinks he could have put down his ginger ale, which Mike reminds everyone this is not an option, he loves the stuff, he's addicted to it.
Hayes wonders if Mike likes it spicy? Mike hasn't tried it, but he has tried Tabasco.
Dave offers up a story from set. "Seth who?" Mike asks. "Set." Sean: "Set who?" everyone has a polite chuckle. Dave "...Set match!" triggering a very short Hayes's loud laugh outburst, just a couple of syllables. From tennis!
Dave tells the story: it's an 8am call, this guy rolls out of bed, somehow finds his way to set. Probably took an uber! He sits down in the makeup chair, she says "Can if I apply your concealer?" to which Mike replies "Not 'til I've had my ginger ale, toots." Kate then tried to get them to stop laughing as she had work to do. They apologize to Kate for her losing her job, how she's in a halfway house now, and they hope she turns things back around. Mike: "Next year, the ginger ale's on me!"
They discuss halfway houses-- halfway to what!?
Hayes: "Now what are you guys do sketches about?" Funny people who are having fun. Good times that are feeling great. Sean really breaks down what a 'sketch' is for the listener. Hayes specifically brings up how sometimes they'll show a picture that says 'Now it's commercial.' Dave explains these 'clue images.'
Sketches don't have to be funny if they're about funny people. Also you can use anything from any sketch over a year old, leading to an explanation of public domain. Like when they used some highlights- and lowlights- of Johny Carson's career. Some of the stuff he did just wasn't funny!
The discussion of Public Domain reminds Sean of the famous sketch the Birthday Boys did called Public Lo Mein. You can share it, everyone is allowed to eat it. Mike tells the story of how they got the idea for this sketch at an Italian restaurant, and that these noodles reminded him of lo mein! Sean says "How" to which Mike replies "Shape, color, consistency." But Hayes corrects that this is just Sean saying "Hi," Sean just realizes that he never formally greeted them.
Mike says the rest of the story is a long one, a boring one, it's tedious. Dave: "So heeeere we go!" Hayes: "Now you have to!" After the meal at Olive Garden, Mike takes a nap. Then he can't find his computer, then he does, he opens it up, then Final Draft the typing program, it's not working, he has to go to Dave, he can't find Dave, he's left for the day, he calls Dave, 40 minutes later after a conversation about baseball, he gets to the point of the phone call which is that his typing device, his computer is not working. They go to the Mac store together, in Mike's car. They go to the Genius bar, it wasn't a Mac machine and also that they need an appointment. Mike doesn't want to make an appointment. They explain to the guy the Lo Mein idea, he had a little chuckle, he did not like it. He didn't like them
was the problem. They left there, they went to the Dell store. He loved the Lo Mein idea, can't help them with the computer. He sends them over to the Geek Squad. That's over at Best Buy, 2 miles down the road. Who's in town? Barack Obama. Traffic backed up for a mile. That's pretty much the story.
Sean breaks down Mike's story: Mike's car looks like a big shoe that they're driving, while Dave has a very nice car that they could have taken that gets good mileage. Sean prompts Mike for his famous riff about the Genius bar-- is this the most pretentious name for a bar? And he's not leaving a tip. Mike has retired this stand-up joke since it went into the public domain.
They guys all discuss Forrest Gump, and how it's a story about a man who wants to run across the nation two or three times. That should have been in the trailer, what a waste of money. That's Hollywood! Hurry up and wait.
Hayes scolds Cody for resting his cheek in his hand towards the end of the show. He ascribes this to back pain, to which Hayes retorts that he saw him skateboarding. Cody thinks skateboarding helps his back. Sean goes off on him for lying! Sean performs a citizen's arrest on him, and warns him that he could end up in the ultimate lie-zone: jail. Cody says this "Sounds like fun!" Sean holds Cody over a cliff, threatening him to take back what he said. "Do you want to be spaghetti on the pavement, do you want to be 'Public Lo Mein?'"
Cody hollers for Hayes to help him. Hayes can't help because he has hand pain. Mike and Dave try to talk him out of it. Hanford starts holding Dave over the ledge! Mike wants Dave's Wally Peanuts character. Sean puts Cody down while they hash this out.
Suddenly! Hayes has got both Dave and Mike. Sean holds himself out the window because he's feeling left out. Dave encourages Sean to grab his hand, and they're all hanging off the cliff! Then Cody lifts everyone off the cliff, and hugs them. Hayes really calls him out on the back pain now that he's proven it was a lie!
Mike "I can't think of another word right now, so fuck you, Cody!" Cody puts a bad button on the whole thing ("I used the power of Christ."), pissing everyone off. What a lame thing.
Hayes encourages everyone to rate them on iTunes, and give them a fuckin' 1. As long as Cody is involved. Go to the forums and tell them they're pieces of shit and that they suck. Flush them down the toilet, nobody listen, no one subscribe.

Recurring Segments[]

Rip Dip Tip of the Week
- Hayes and Sean listened to something they thought was interesting. Sean hesitates to call it music, but it's something like music. It's called 'Hip Hop' or 'Rap'
- This Hip Hop Music has a beat, and it does make you tap your foot. People say it has no instruments: a drum is an instrument. And it has a drum-style beat to it. And you're using your voice as an instrument! Although it's not necessarily singing, but almost like a rhythm thing. Your voice is like a drum
- This reminds Hayes of the Blues, but not necessarily the music itself, but some of the attitude and the things they're trying to get across. With an angrier edge. Hayes doesn't even know if they know what this is. Watching them try to get it across is so compelling
- For people that haven't heard it, look it up! It's almost a 'street poetry.' Like if someone who didn't know how to write poetry tried
- It's on computers, and it's in the TV, and it's around. They'd love to have a conversation about it in the forums
Popcorn Gallery - as the Chip Gallery. With Tim Treese's theme! Although the song says movies and this should be TV. So it probably shouldn't be popcorn. "Well, I sometimes eat chips. But I'll tell ya what I don't eat! I don't eat those cappuccino flavored potato chips! ('Uh-oh..') Cause I'm not some kind of hoity-toity beat-nick. ('Do the line! Do the line!...') And if they think I'm gonna be pouring those in a bowl, and uh, having those with some uh, biscotti on the side, then I've got something to tell you: I seriously DOUBT it!!" Dave worries that the line changed, but Mike says they don't care. All they want is for people to talk.
1. mwn - "Birthday Boys, Is Wesley Snipes underrated?"
  - Hayes isn't familiar with this name, and wonders if he means Snidely Whiplash. The 2nd AD on American Dad. Wesley Snipes played a sniper character in the early draft of the Lo Mein sketch. They made other good character names: Wally Peanuts. They do a scene between him and Oliver Questionington. The guests get mad at Sean for recognizing the latter character, and they co-opt his famous line
2. Valerie Bryant - "Dear Birthday Boys, In Rolling Stone magazine, you revealed that you view comedy as a side-project and your real passion is your baby-sitters' club. Talk about this!"
  - They thank her for the question, and wonder if this name is exclusive to females. Mike and Hayes both think they met a male with this name before. Sean knows that he hasn't, nor Dave. Sean would remember something like this because it would shake him to his bones. Dave mentions that the Johnny Cash song "A Boy Named Sue" was playing when they entered the room, and Sean vomited. Sean admits to being bulimic, and that he will sometimes disguise it by feigning disgust. They wonder if this is 'Valerie' or 'Bryant.' Sean then admits that he wasn't bulimic, he just did it for attention. The true reason why he was throwing up was because he has ebola. Mike "If I could just lighten the mood, a bowl 'a what?? But that's terrible." This does make it better, it has been a while since Sean could laugh. He says he's had the disease for about 6 and half years now: Barack Ebola.
3. Andrew - "Dear Birthday Boys, who contributes the least to the group?"
  - That would be Mike! He goes into his famous character Gregory Least-Contributor, who left the script on the boat, and then put a hole in the boat. But this character is based off Mike, who does no work in the group. The Lo Mein sketch is the only thing he contributed. Mike got nasty with the Lo Mein sketch, thinking it was his ticket to the top. Sean suggests they include this in the former story when it was so long and boring.
Pro Version - little signed objects from the studio. DancingForPowerfulMen bought the Pro Version, he gets a character created by the Birthday Boys: Jim Proversionpurchaseer. "I'm Jim!"

Recurring Jokes[]

Controversial Sean - Hayes tries to prevent Sean from calling the Funny or Die game of Rob Delaney's Board Game during the Cards Against Humanity ad.
Too Scary - Hayes and Sean get scared when Card Against Humanity doesn't run an ad
Talking to the Engineer - Cody neglects giving the boys a water bottle, despite having one for himself. In the Guest segment, Hayes scolds Cody for resting his cheek in his hand towards the end of the show. He ascribes this to back pain, to which Hayes retorts that he saw him skateboa
rding. Cody thinks skateboarding helps his back. Sean goes off on him for lying! Sean performs a citizen's arrest on him, and warns him that he could end up in the ultimate lie-zone: jail. Cody says this "Sounds like fun!"
Hayes's Loud Laugh - Hayes gets hysterical when Mike accidentally calls Mad Magazines Spy Vs. Spy "Spy by Spy." Dave offers up a story from set. "Seth who?" Mike asks. "Set." Sean: "Set who?" everyone has a polite chuckle. Dave "...Set match!" triggering a very short Hayes's loud laugh outburst, just a couple of syllables.
Politics - Mike got caught in traffic when Obama visited Hollywood, thus why politics and Hollywood do not mix well. Sean makes a political snide comment about how he's been afflicted with Barack Ebola for about 6 and a half years now. Sean's political outspokenness may keep him from being on the Birthday Boys program, as you must be an independent. This causes him to pace the room debating whether to ignore his beliefs in order to be on the program.
Speak on That - Hayes asks the guests if they play casino pull machines, and asks them to speak on how they are sometimes referred to as 'one-armed bandits.'
Sriracha - After Sean's first Cappuccino rant, Hayes wants to add one thing about the sriracha chip. That's uh not real sriracha. If you've ever had real sriracha, and you try that trip, then you know it's not the real sriracha.
Italy - the idea for the Public Lo Mein sketch came at an Italian restaurant-- à la carte at Olive Garden. "When you're here, you're hungry. While you're here you're hungry, when you leave you're full."
One Eighth Native American - Sean says "How" which Mike misinterprets as a question, when in fact is was Sean saying "Hi"
Mark - seems to be pretty upset by the cappuccino chips. Mark sent Sean an e-mail so long on the subject his hand cramped up from scrolling down
Bashing Other Podcasts - Hayes and Sean talk about a feud between them (The least listened to podcast on the network) and The Wolf Den the second least listened to podcast on the network during the Pre-Guest Segment

Ads[]

Cards Against Humanity - an old friend came crawling right back. Some funny cards came crawling back when they see what it's like on the free market. They... asked them not to read an ad. Sean has to step away from the mic and hollers, leaving the room, slamming the door behind him. Sean forgets his phone and comes back in, and he plans on calling the Funny or Die game-- it's a very similar game. And he might call Rob Delaney's Board Game. When Sean is out of the room, Hayes appeals directly to CAH-- he encourages them to please run an ad. Sean comes in clapping, bragging about a very interesting, productive phone call.