Paul F. Tompkins Again, Our Close Friend

Episode

66

Release Date

January 13, 2015

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"Paul F. Tompkins Again, Our Close Friend" is the sixty-sixth episode of Hollywood Handbook.

Official Earwolf Page

Earwolf Synopsis[]

After a week hiatus, Sean and Hayes are back to discuss what they did with their time off and examine the top fails of last year. Then, podcast legend PAUL F. TOMPKINS stops by as the first ever repeat guest to analyze the highlights of 2014, explain the rules of “Riddle Me This”, and talk about the perks of being a nerd.

Notes & Memorable Quotes[]

Pre-Guest Segment[]

Hayes talking over the theme: So it's the birthday for James Blunt and I’ve told everyone that I can't come -- O can't make it, and so it comes to the part of the party where he's gonna preform and he sits down and he's doing the song and then you just hear from behind the couch you hear "Hey James! how bout a little something for the boys?!" And you the beginning of what I got and so I get up and start playing that. And you know I can do the beginning of that song on guitar, but then he jumps in where the part of the song goes I can play the guitar like a .... riot and that's where I start to kinda mess up. But then he takes the guitar for that part and then gives it back to me when it gets back to the normal. It was a nice party. Sean mentions how he couldn't make the party and Hayes said they were all waiting on Sean to get there and make an appearance. Sean then talks about how the reason he couldn't make the party was because he was stuck in James Blunts basement eating peaches
Hayes and Sean are back from a week long hiatus and they talk about how their check from Earwolf is one week short, maybe Earwolf messed up and thought it was an unpaid vacation, which is wrong, because they get 7 weeks of paid hiatus each year, which also carries over. So this year they have 14 weeks of paid hiatus. Sean wants to stack up 52 weeks and just take a whole year off.
Hayes asks what Sean was up to in his week off, and Sean talks about how he traveled the world and raced Jackie Chan in a hot air balloon. Sean was embarrassed over him being stuck in the basement eating peaches so his excuse was always that he traveled the world in a hot air balloon when people asked where he was. When people wanted to see pictures Sean would say, oh me and Steffie will have you over to her house, and we'll all look at the pictures! But of course they never did because the pictures never existed.
Sean asks what Hayes was up to during the hiatus, and Hayes tells him he went to camp Hayes always goes to this camp ever since he was a little boy. It's a camp for archery, and sailing. They used to have shooting with .22's and teach you basic safety, but because of all the school stuff they don't do that anymore. So Hayes went over there and got re-certified, and got his CPR license. They then talk about how much CPR has changed from what it used to be.
Sean can see Ava Anderson and he interrupts the show to get her attention. Ava tells Sean he's so funny which Sean has to agree with
Hayes addresses everyone who may be listening from the Comedy Bang Bang ad that they got and Hayes hopes everyone really likes the show, and he wants to do a quick Comedy Bang Bang style game, that way everyone can be comfortable and have something to latch on to. So Hayes and Sean decide to do one.
(Paul comes into the show without a break or an ad so it transitions to the guest segment)

Guest Segment[]

Paul asks if he has to sit in to the part of the show where Hayes and Sean talk, and Sean tells him no. Paul says no offense but he tried to listen to the podcast once, and he felt the pre-guest segment was interminable, alienating, obligatory, and bleak. Sean disagrees with the obligatory part, and says it's because it's the opposite of obligatory in the sense that authority figures are trying to get them to stop. It's more for them then it is for the listeners. It serves the purpose of just catching each other up and what's been going on.
Sean notices that they didn't play the song to introduce Paul to, so they do that now: Hayes talking over the theme - So It's me and Carson Kressley are there and we're looking at the guy, and he's saying like put a pink hat on him or something. So I say, well I know I've said this before but I think we should teach him kickboxing so he can have some confidence at work. And that's when it was four queers and one tough badass for a black guy that they were always touching up. So they replaced Hayes with a queer, then he did the man show with Doug Stanhope
Hayes and Sean finally introduce Paul and welcome him as the first return guest, Paul thanks them and goes on to say he's been a repeat guest on many many podcasts and people look to him as a bit of a utility player. Someone who people can look to as a safe bet and if their podcast is in trouble to bring him in to save it and the downloads go through the roof.
Sean asks Paul what kind of sack of potatoes comes in a paper bag, that's like the lowest quality of materials, and Paul very condescendingly tells Sean he's so sorry he's never seen one
Sean talks about how he was a farmy brat and he used to move from ranch to ranch -- Paul blows his horn to signal they should edit that out, and he explains it's not clever and it'll wind up insulting farm people.
Hayes explains that Bart Simpson was named that because Bart has the same letters as brat. They changed the letter and he become Bart. Sean then goes on to explain that Lisa Simpson has the same letters as Isla Fisher, from Wedding Crashers That was based on she was supposed to have red hair but they didn't have that color crayon. Paul then explains that the Simpsons was actually drawn with a crayon until two years ago
Hayes asks Paul if he's ever hosted SNL they swear they've seen Paul host it before, but Paul tells them the technical answer is no, but the longer story is he did host SNL but on an episode that was recorded but people haven't ever seen. Sean asks what could he have seen? and asks if Paul was doing his Buster Poindexter character? Paul says he did do it hours before air -- he did it in dress rehearsal. That Audience loved it, but then he got called over to Laurens corner
- Hayes interrupts to say if he were Scott Aukerman, instead of saying Laurens corner he would have said his laurener if you will -- that's the kind of thing Scott does a lot, he does the word smash ups
- Hayes and Sean are skeptical of Scott and how fast he's able to come up with these word smash ups, and they begin to think that maybe they edit it together to make it seem like he says it so fast, but in reality it's a bit of a pause. Paul tells them a little secret and tells them they absolutely edit it together.
Paul continues telling his story from where he left off. So I walk over to his laurener and he goes "Hey what you did was good, but I think this guy from the New York dolls should do it, he's a good friend my friend Paul Simon, Chevy Chase, and New York dolls David Johanson. I try to throw them a bone" So Paul realized he was out of the show. So Pauls episode and the one with Steven Segal are the two you'll never see. AND David Johanson stole that character from Paul!
Hayes asks Paul if they can stop talking about SNL history, because Sean will start to remember a thing where Shaniel O'Connor ripped up that picture of the pope, cause he thinks it was good, and he'll talk about how that was a good statement to do (so sacrilegious!) and Hayes doesn't want to get into that on the show. Sean remarks he's almost done eating this Hoagie, and he got mustard on his shirt and the last bite is getting chewed and swallowed, and now he's putting the cans back on. Pauls question to Hayes 'Do you have a lot of Catholic listeners' was answered by Hayes with 'Do you know the Anglicans
Hayes and Sean want to do something they call the best ofs, and ask Paul if he's ever done something like this before? Once or twice Paul responds. Even though he wasn't on most of these episodes, they figured it'd be fun to bring Paul on and countdown the episodes and comment on why they're fun and funny
Paul loves doing stuff like this, because that's real show business -- commenting and discussing comedy. That's something of an insider tip, to bring in the perspective from someone who wasn't here. It's much better than asking the engineer, because their perspective would just be something of, 'oh what dials was I looking at? what button was I pressing for garage bang?' Sean goes on to say that that's probably even a stretch, because their brains are just so different, their little lizard brains.
Paul talks about how great it would be to be able to out run Usain Bolt, and just call his wife or girlfriend over and just run circles around him and leave him in the dust. It'd be so humiliating. Sean goes on to say he went to highschool with a guy who's T-shirt said hold my trophy while I kiss your girlfriend and underneath it said chump gear, to Sean that's the peak of human experience. Paul says the reason you don't see that shirt anymore today is that everyone gets a trophy. So if you ask someone to hold your trophy they'll say I can't hold your trophy I'm busy holding my trophy! Also, by calling it chump gear it should have been named champ gear -- it's for chumps to read and champs to wear!
Hayes asks if they're editing out his joke from earlier they should probably edit out that story Paul just told, and Paul gets very defensive and that Hayes is making out Paul to seem like a jerk. Sean cuts in to tell Paul Hayes never said that, and Paul asks if that's what he wants to do right now? Pick sides? Sean answers with yes. The last time they all did an episode they all got along great, but somethings different today. Sean tells him it's the different engineer and the vibe he brings.
Sean tells Paul how they've wasted a lot of time in the show so far, and they were gonna do about 25 best ofs but now they're only gonna have time for two. It's another thing from CBB they're testing out -- they're extending the show a lot, and also Sean remarks that Paul still hasn't told them what riddle me this is.
Paul finally explains that Riddle Me This is a game where everyone has to guess a riddle. You go around in turns and somebody says a riddle then the other person has to explain what that riddle is -- not the answer to that riddle but they have to guess: famous riddle that I've heard somewhere before, or did you just make that up?
Sean once heard the end of a riddle where the answer is the library, is that helpful? Paul says it's a little helpful, it's something. Sean asks if they're playing the game now, and Paul says no, it's better to start with a question part.
Hayes is still confused as to how to play the game and he asks when he should give an answer? Paul says you never need an answer you just have to decide whether it's a real riddle or just a made up one
Hayes asks why there are no female engineers here? Once Frank left that was a prime opportunity to hire some women engineers, but Paul talks about how they're too emotional for the job and it's more suited for a Spock than a Rosanne -- emotional or logical.
Hayes and Sean gotta do the best ofs they try to think of one clip they can use, and they think of the Zachary Levi episode and all the nerd talk. Hayes and Sean play a clip from the Zachary Levi episode -- it's a clip where Zachary wanted to accidentally confess something and Zachary confesses he's not really a nerd. In this clip Sean and Hayes are blown away and it's the lying they really don't appreciate. In this clip they also ask Zachary what they think of Paul F Tompkins, and Zachary says he wishes he could be as nerdy as him, he's jealous -- he knows comic book and things and all Zachary knows is sports. Sam is rubbing his face in a sleepy way so it's time to end the clip. The new extended format is hard on all of us
Sean spills some water and he really freaks out, everyone tries to get Sean to calm down and keep the show moving but then someone walks by outside and they're sure it's the cleaning lady to come clean up the water Sean spilled. It was in fact Amy Mann.
Mixed Martial Arts is all about strategy, it's basically chess. Your foot is the knight (because of the arcs is makes) your face is the pawn, so you're kicking the person in the face because of strategy knight takes pawn. Your brain is the king, knight takes pawn, now the king is vulnerable because you got a concussion.
Hayes thanks Paul for coming to the show, and they all realize that they only played one clip for the best ofs -- they were supposed to do so many more

Recurring Segments[]

Year of Fails - Hayes and Sean want to open the show talking about the year of fails -- this is something they do every year.
1. The first fail of the year was Casey Anthony. She totally blew it, she had a real opportunity and really threw it in the garbage can. Sean wishes he could have talked to her, and when it really all boils down it's the lying that's the worst part.
2. A big fail to Sean is the who Ray Rice situation. He really blew it and if he was an Indian chief his name would be Makem Bigmistake, because that's exactly what he did. He did something that was so bad it made Hayes and Sean say forget it, and when you do a fail like that it's very bad, and Sean doesn't think he should have done it. Hayes doesn't want to wear clothes of him anymore, or see him. And Sean's fantasy team was ruined! He doesn't want to go to an event he's holding or see him as the main speaker there. Or even go on a private jet and go on vacation and eat a nice meal with him. You don't want to do any of this anymore because of the fail. If Ray Rice were a sex worker in Vietnam his name would be Memesseyup Bigtime -- and Hayes can say that of course because he fought in Vietnam (Hayes had to go an rescue the POW's that were still there)
3. Another big fail was Ferguson. What a huge mess up that was, they blew it big time over there. Every time you'd turn on the TV you'd just think why'd they do this? Sean addresses the fans telling them this is why they do this segment, is because who's really talking about how big of a fail Ferguson was? Hayes then says when you do a big screw up and nobody says that it was fail then it makes it so fast that they come back and they do the same over again. Unless people come out and say sorry you failed, and you don't have to get left back and not do it the same way over again, because then you fail again.
4. Another fail was Ryan Louis, and Sean really thinks that he really tried to steal the spotlight from Macklemore. Hayes and Sean always do the segment this way, they do the 3 runner up fails, and then do the last fail which is the big one.
5. A fail in regards to trends is the Mansession. We're all trying to hire more women, which is great but not to the exclusion of Sean and his cronies! Sean makes a Kony reference and calls this Crony2016. Which Hayes reminds everyone they already discusses the whole Kony thing last year -- but just because Kony isn't a fail this year doesn't mean they're condoning his stuff good or bad.
Riddle Me This (segment included in the Best-of Clip Show Ep. #084 - Moments of Greatness, Our Constant Companions)
1. Round One (PFT): What has four legs in the morning, two legs in the afternoon, and three legs at night?
  1. (Sean has three legs in the morning (morning wood!)) Hayes: Made it up or at least he hopes so. If it's a real riddle they're gonna be in a lot of trouble with the whole copyright stuff going on -- it's different than music, it's even more money! Hayes finally guesses it's fake, because nothing can do that -- it's impossible
  2. Sean: It's a monster. (Paul cuts in to say he's not supposed to guess the answer, he's just supposed to guess if it's real or fake) It's terrifying! Changing leg numbers all day!? Then bows out after being called stupid, Sean didn't know that was part of the game. Thank you very much but no thank you very much. Maybe that's what they do on the other show, but that's not how they do it here. Paul probably just got too excited, he loves playing this game so much. A spider? Could be a frankingstein, they are putting the legs on. And mess up throughout the day, keep changing it. Paul realizes he's explained this poorly, the fault is his -- he explains the rules yet again. Hayes helps! Riddle could be from sci-ti movie Crippendorf's Tribe. PFT: Is an existing riddle. Answer: It was existing! Maybe got it from Crippendorf's Tribe.
    1. Sean asks if the answer was a monster after all and Paul was just playing coy? Paul says he's not going to tell him the answer because he feels that a different game entirely. Hayes decides to look it up: It was a sphinx! That is a monster! That's what Sean said! What Sean thinks doesn't work about this game is the lying. Paul asks when did he lie? he never said it wasn't a monster. Sean asked if it was a monster and Paul answered that wasn't the answer! Paul clarifies that he never said it wasn't the answer he said that wasn't the point of the game. Sean thanks Paul and tells the new listeners that apparently the game Riddle Me This is a game where everyone lies to each other and then he gets called stupid in the middle of it. So that's the fucking game you all liked.
Pro Version - watchayakan - They're gonna have to start resetting the pro version soon -- they have more episodes then they do listeners at this point. Prize is a quick best of clip of when Liev Schreiber was on and he made an unusual confession about Ray Donovan

Recurring Jokes[]

Wife and Kids -Even Steffie doesn't know where Sean actually was during James Blunts birthday, if she ever found out she'd be sliding those papers Seans way.
One Eighth Native American - If Ray Rice was an Indian his name would be Makem Bigmistake, Sean can say this because he's one-eighth native american
Macklemore - Ryan Louis really stole Macklemore's spotlight Ryan Louis if you're listening -- Let Macklemore do the talking!
Politics - Obama doesn't want to deal with this issue but Sean addresses it: Start giving men jobs!
Talking to the Engineer - Hayes and Sean want to do a game from Comedy Bang Bang and ask Sam what games they do. Sam tells them Would You Rather? Hayes asks if that's a good one, he wants it to be a good game. Sam says Riddle Me This -- and Sam tries to describe the game, but he's never done it on Comedy Bang Bang before. Sean wonders if possibly they're getting the engineer leftovers and Sam is all that's available. Paul comes into the show and before Hayes introduces him Sean asks if Paul can describe the game to them. Paul is embarrassed because as soon as he said 'I can't hear myself' he was able to hear himself, and he wonders if that was something Sam did intentionally, he wants to establish dominance. Sam said he wouldn't do that and Paul says there's a clear difference in I wouldn't do that and I didn't do that. Maybe he wouldn't but maybe he did.
- Sean asks Paul what Riddle Me This is, but Hayes says to hold off for a minute they should probably go ahead and do an ad at this point. He's gonna mark a stopping point right now, and jingles his keys to mark a stoppy and if nobody bought an ad they'll hear an air horn blowing sound -- that should help mark the stoppy and choppy points to the editor.
- Engineer Cody walks by the studio and Sean says hi. Cody replies: Bababooey
Homoeroticism - Sean and Hayes talk about homosexuality and how all homosexuality is a violent act, and if you pay attention neither side likes it.
Speak on That - Sometimes we have these destructive patterns in our lives, and Sean asks if Paul can relate to that and to speak on that. Paul goes on to say there have been dark times where if he wasn't happy he would buy a bag of potatoes (he had a deep fryer at the time, he no longer does he can't afford it anymore) he would deep fry the entire bag including the sack. Then he would stick a fork in one and just eat it like an apple
Everyone Gets a Trophy - Paul says the reason you don't see the chump shirt Sean was talking about anymore today is that everyone gets a trophy. So if you ask someone to hold your trophy they'll say I can't hold your trophy I'm busy holding my trophy
Too Scary - Pauls riddle was way too scary
Nerds / Comic Books - Zachary Levi is a bit of a nerd, and Sean likes that. Paul knows why he likes that, it's because he's such a nerd. Sean is exposed! Paul loves when people send him comic, it's like Ah! you got me! I'm a nerd! In some ways nerds is taking over and the bullies is pumping the gas now and it's the nerds turn to beat the other people up thanks to their money and crossfit. Even physically with their muscles. Paul is proud to call himself a nerd who also likes to work out. And yes Sean is a nerd, but he's also incredibly fit, good athlete, he's cool, he's good at getting girls -- and has tons of sex. Sean's a fuckin' pussy nerd
- Jonah Ray is too tall to be a nerd, and Matt Mira probably isn't a nerd either, because he lost a lot of weight