"Johnny Pemberton, Our Close Friend" is the forty-fifth episode of Hollywood Handbook.

Official Earwolf Page

Earwolf Synopsis Edit

Sean and Hayes are extremely pissed about having to do so many Ice Bucket Challenges all week. On the bright side, they talk about some very exciting development opportunities involving newspaper comic strip properties. Then guest JOHNNY PEMBERTON arrives to speak on his famous charity stunts and eat a whole pack of gum for Engineer Sam. Finally, the Popcorn Gallery returns, and Johnny explains points on the back end and the dangers of baseball tricks. ​

Notes & Memorable Quotes Edit

Pre-Guest Segment Edit

  • Hayes over the theme: "So.. Jason.. Mewes is like-- he doesn't believe me! And I'm like 'No! I was confused too, for a long time. But that guy, the director, that is Silent Bob. They're like.. they are the same.. person.' And watching him figure it out, and really piecing it together-- it's tough! It's tough, it was tough on him. Because he'd been sort of living in this illusion for such a long time." "And that's a friend of his!" "Yes! Who was tricking him." They discuss Jason's difficult reconciliation with this Kevin Smith / Silent Bob reveal. They all cried, it was cathartic. Sean finishes by offering Snoogans to both of them, and snooch to the booch!
  • It's been a good week, a cooold week. The boys are so fricking pissed at all these Ice Bucket Challenge videos they've been tagged in! Karl Urban tagged Hayes this morning. People are like it's nice in the summertime, it's ice! So frickin cold. Philip Roth tagged Sean yesterday. The guys then go on to discuss his oeuvre in detail. Portnoy's Complaint was a little dirty, but also pretty well written! A good book about horniness. The Human Stain wasn't about the Monica Lewinsky scandal! Hayes has trouble getting this, but picks it up really quickly upon explaining. He almost emits the loud laugh, but this editor thinks it doesn't quite make the cut. Anyway, Sean is still pissed that Philip tagged him! If you don't do it, you have to give 100 bucks to these weirdos-- so bring on the buckets!
  • When Sean was growing up getting 'iced' meant that you put a Smirnoff Ice in your bro's pocket and made him chug it! And if you didn't feel like chugging it, you didn't have to give him 100 dollars! Which who knows what he's going to do with it! Sean would prefer that he buy a sandwich. Hayes has been buying 100 dollars worth of soup. You can come with him and eat it together! When you give guys money, you don't know if it's going to do something nefarious. When you it for something positive: soup, hamburger sandwich, literally anything that could be worn: blankets, ummm... A shirt!
  • Catch the rest of this segment down in the Recurring Jokes page as the boys discuss making newspaper comics into movies!

Guest Segment Edit

  • Hayes over the theme: "So I say to Naomi.. Judd, 'Get that away from me, or I'm gonna call the fuckin' police!' And she's like 'Well it's just my car.' And I'm like 'That's not a car, it's a fuckin' weird ass bug! Ssmart Car? It's like a Smart.. Car..?"
  • John Pemberton is from 21 Jump Stree, 22 Jump Stree, stand-up comedy, Kroll Show. But mostly the boys want to talk to him about his generous spirit and charity work
  • John wants to help people with no credits get some, he's thinking of giving away some of his: his co-starring roles, any web series, and shorts. Any TV movie, a.k.a a failed pilot...! This last one has the boys howling, triggering a Hayes signature loud laugh!
  • Part of Johnny's philosophy is: people are always doing things. If you're not being watched, you probably do things quicker! Like separating bananas at the grocery. This causes Sean to suggest a sidetrack: are banana clumps getting bigger? Hayes says this is those g-mo's. Sean thinks something is up, those banana clumps are starting to look like the Klumps.. from The Klumps movies! Hayes talks about how these g-mo's are them spliced with grapes. The shape and taste of a banana but the grouping and quantity of the grapes.
  • Johnny did something the other day for the organization Weird Kids-- he registered to get a new debit card. A pretty insane thing to do! This program has a silent backer, Tevin Campbell. They met at a celebrity chef event Meatballs for Charity, but it wasn't Paul Prudhomme as he is off meat now. Tevin and John have been rollin' ever since-- meatballs roll! It's all gravy baby! The boys go into hysterics again, with Sean laugh-speaking 'no no no!'
  • Teach a man to fish, but you have to feed an army. Romans used to have pieces of cheese the size of wagon wheels. And hide them, inside the thing! There's a charity house, that Johnny lets people sleep in. Mostly attractive women!
  • Johnny will go to Trader Joe's as a stunt, otherwise he doesn't typically go shopping. He's a person of influence!
  • John does a lot of stunt consulting now. Bret Michaels came to him. The guy just shines, literally and figuratively! Spent the weekend in Joshua Tree and came up with something called Bandanarama. For every bandana sold, 2 cents goes back to the factory that made it!
  • Sean downloaded on iTunes the charity song "Bandana Man" they recorded, to the tune of "Mah-na Mah-na" by Piero Umiliani
  • John is asked to discuss some of his on-set chemistry! He messes up and says on-cet semistry, he gets spoonerisms messed up when he thinks of some of these starlets. Zooey Deschanel and he had just recently read the first chapter of Watership Down. Sean remembers that the first chapter had some of the rabbit stuff in it. Hayes doesn't like this part-- it shows them being the heroes of the story, but it doesn't show them eating your vegetables! Sean hopes someone comes along later in the book and blasts and blows them away-- this causes John to coyly say "(sniff sniff, sniff sniff) Blow" and make some sniffing sounds, causing the boys to erupt with laughter yet again. They all love the ritual around using this drug. John uses a mate straw made from a gourd
  • Sean "Do you guys like to fuck on cocaine?" this is all part of the ritual
  • Shailene Woodley is almost 19, so she only has a few years before only being able to play moms. Then she'll have to be a mummy, or a wicked old hag who comes out of a coffin and grab at your ankles.
  • John has synesthesia and can see sounds and smells. In the studio he sees green squares, the boys posit that this is coming from Engineer Sam. John smells a nice yellow ochre, real natural coming from him. Hayes then Sean "Yeah a freakin' ochre-- livin' under a bridge." Carrying around a club!
  • The boys encourage John to chew a lot of gum as a stunt to help Sam as a Weird Kid. He likes some of the gum, it has phenylketonurics in it. This is the a capella group that's so big, a character in a film, just what they called Bell Biv Devoe in a movie
  • John is going to start a "Gardens of the Galaxy" tour where he takes people to asparagus plantations. Plantations doesn't have to be a dirty word! It's just people pickin' plants. Suddenly it's weird that people are pickin plants? What, are they going to pick themselves!? We'd have a problem if they did! The cauliflower starts pickin' itself, what's it going to pick next? Probably a baby's head off! Although some people would probably like it if they did, the Libtards and the Democraps
  • Hayes isn't happy with the questions submitted this week
  • Johnny discusses the famous trick of pulling your scrotum out from the bottom of your shorts and bunching it up in such a way that it looks like a chewed piece of gum. John used to worry that when he grabbed it, he would grab a tube but turns out it's pretty easy. Discussing this prank, Johnny realizes that it doesn't make that much sense, because gum is usually swallowed
  • Sean "I was gonna say, in a way, everything that you do swallow, you do ultimately end up sitting in, at least for a moment! You know what I mean?" Especially in these hard-surface flat toilets that are all the rage now, and the drought that California is in. It's like a baking pan or cookie sheet. Very sustainable. John heard about these from Zooey D
  • They ask if, since John can sing, as he demonstrated with his Bell Biv Devoe performance, if he ever performed with Zooey and made a YouTube video out of it or anything. Maybe a video playing a tiny drum, John sings a parody of "The Little Drummer Boy" - "I have a gift for you, I sat in some gum! / I have a gift for you, let's not shoot a gun! / I want to be the one, who is the favorite boy! / I want to do a movie with you and make points on the backend / from selling some toys / I want to get money!"
  • Something that really roasts Sean's grits -- when someone asks if it's hot enough for you, it always is too hot! Sean runs hot! Fast metabolism, he does sweat. This is why the Bandana Man stuff appealed to him. John reveals that they did have a zinc lining that-- Sean knows that this could cause Alltimers disease. Zinc goes through your pores, and leaks into your brain, and you can't draw a self portrait anymore. You have to trace it from the mirror
  • Some studio big wigs make fun of the way Johnny shits.

Recurring Segments Edit

  • Popcorn Gallery - Sean sings along with a line of Tim's theme
    1. OcterDoctopus - "Johnny, no spoilers, but you had a very big surprise appearance in the Guardians of the Galaxy after-credits scene. Is that what contracts on movies mean for when they talk about 'points on the back-end?'"
      • No, that's not what that means. This is the money you make from the sales of toys.
    2. Greggy - "Mr. Pemberson, how's the summer treating you? Hot enough for you out there!?"
      • It is always too hot. He's workin on something to fix that, a reflective baffle to put in the windshield.
    3. Andrew - "Johnny, You did a standing-up comedy piece about hating cats. What kind of sick freak are you?"
      • Johnny really enjoys the phrase 'standing-up comedy piece.' Johnny is frustrated that Andrew only did the most cursory Google search, looking for the most disappointing thing.
  • Pro Version - Sean just realized to say subscribe to iTunes! Rob Campbell gave $100 bucks to Earwolf. Newbie by Nature gets the gum money that was intended for Engineer Sam. And Johnny says his name!

Recurring Jokes Edit

  • Hamburger Sandwich - When you give guys money, you don't know if it's going to do something nefarious. When you it for something positive: soup, hamburger sandwich, literally anything that could be worn: blankets, ummm... A shirt!
  • Newspaper Comics - They're going to turn newpaper comics into a movie! Hayes and Sean have signed a big deal with United Features Syndicate, and have access to all these great characters to just play with: Pogo, Shoe, Curtis (with this one they get Gunk: Curtis's friend, Gunther: Curtis's barber, his dad: who has to quit smoking, Super Captain Cool-man: his favorite superhero, all the Kwanzaa guys!) they have an eye on creating a sort of Marvel Universe for these guys
    • For Better or For Worse: because the characters age, they can do a version of Boyhood / Engineer Cody Boy where the characters age. Grumpy Cat has signed on to play Farley the dog, playing against type as Farley is very happy-go-lucky. Sean says the same thing as he does about a black guy playing Wonder Woman: it's about time
    • The Foxtrot feelm: break ground on the house tomorrow! McAdams is on board to play the sister Paife, The Apparently kid is their first, second, and third choice to play the youngest son Jason while the studio's pick Dave Franco isn't until 6th, 7th, or 8th on Sean's board. Older brother Peter often wears a hat, thus Judah Friedlander would be a great choice. As a bonus, writing things on the hat would be a powerful maneuver. The hat plays really well in focus group testing. Hayes suggests Chadwick Bozeman for Jason's black male best friend Marcus, but Sean still wants Tavi Gevinson. He thinks people would be more accepting of the sexual undertones if Jason and Marcus are played by the Apparently kid and Tavi. Sean loves that Marcus is definitely fucking Jason, and is putting the iguana Quincy around in the buttside. The mom Andi should be played by Luke Wilson, and the dad Roger as Owen Wilson. Sean does spot-on impressions of the Wilson brothers by holding his nose.
  • Controversial Sean - You can get some cool artistic messages through to audiences by writing messages on Judah Friedlander's beloved hat, a little broccoli in with the brownies (as previously discussed on Ep. #020 - Dave Holmes, Our Close Friend)-- like that the Bible is a work of fiction. How many people have to die behind religious fanatic beliefs, some big man in the sky who says, you know, "I'm gonna spank your bottom!" Hayes encourages him to let all of his feelings out there. L. Ron Hubbard has found a better way to live! Dianetics tells us in our history that these sort of record scratches, where there is some flaw, and they can be audited with a train expert and remove these glitches, becoming 'clear' and our best selves! What makes more sense: that we were planted here by aliens or that I'm made out of dirt, and my girlfriend's made out of bones, my bones, my rib bones, one bone?! What makes more sense to you, knowing the universe, how big it is!? Hayes refuses to answer this question
  • Talking to the Engineer - Since Hayes refused to answer which origin story made more sense, that of Scientology or that of Judeo-christian tradition, Sean asks Engineer Sam. Which makes more sense, knowing the universe, how big it is? He needs to know that it is big, and that Sean cares about him very much, despite not showing it-- Hayes accuses Sean of holding a treat, and makes him open his hand! It's a Reese's Fast Break. It's just peanut butter, nougat, and chocolate. Sam doesn't like crunch, no peanuts or pretzels, and this isn't a matter of teeth, rather his jaw strength. Not because of his flat teeth. His jaw just hangs open and he has to punch his mouth closed to chew. Since Sean showed Sam the Fast Break, he has to give it to him. He likes it! Look at him enjoying it. He holds it in his mouth and lets the saliva break it down, letting the slurry run down his face and throat. Sean gives him a little baggy to catch the drips, which he will drink later that night for dinner.
  • Hayes's Loud Laugh - Johnny hopes to give away some of his credits, including any 'TV movie, a.k.a a failed pilot...!'
  • Speak on That - John is asked to speak on Bret Michaels hiring him for stunt consulting. On their project Bandanarama.
  • Mark - may be sneaking into the studio and listening to the first half of the show.. we actually just seconds before. They're becoming eerily prescient (which all the guys pronounce in a different way)
  • Points! - When Johnny is funny at the end of the movie, people like to say "Points!" to him there. Hayes would love to see someone do a caption on the losing team in a championship game wear their misprinted t-shirts in front of their dads, he'd like to see what Kurt Braunohler 
  • would have to say. Wicked.
  • Holding Deal - Sean tells Johnny to ask what an 'overall deal' is. Also the thing that Sean thinks he doesn't know is a 'holding deal!' A hold-verall deal. Hayes doesn't want to engage in this.
  • Politics - Sean mentions that Libtards and Democraps might like it if vegetables picked themselves
  • Andrew Ti - Sean wonders if forums user Andrew is actually Andrew Ti submitting questions and pretending to be British! He's a racial chameleon, he could pretend to be any nationality. John wonders if this is a troll? No he's a race expert. He uses his knowledge and power, and gradually has been refining his race imitation. He could be trying to take down Hollywood Handbook from the inside so his can be the only show on the network!

Ads Edit

  • Earwolfman Jack - debuts to promote Hollywood Handbook opening for Who Charted down at Molly Malone's on August 19th, doors at 7:30 P, show at 8:30 P-- PM that is! Aw-aw-a-wooo!

Episode Photos Edit

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