"Lauren Lapkus, Our Close Friend" is the fifty-fifth episode of Hollywood Handbook.

Official Earwolf Page

Earwolf Synopsis Edit

Sean and Hayes start the show with a discussion on about the book Freakingnomics and how the concepts translate to the world of moviemaking. Then, LAUREN LAPKUS is in the studio to talk about scary dinosaurs, Jurassic spoilers, Ernest, and the difference between books and movie adaptations. Finally, Intern Andy is back to ask some inappropriate Popcorn Gallery questions.

Notes & Memorable Quotes Edit

Pre-Guest SegmentEdit

  • Hayes talking over the theme: And so I'm on the board and the waves are coming, and I shred that wave, I shred that wave, you know -- doing it like I do. And Molly Sims comes up the beach and is like, "Stop it! stop it!" and I didn't realize I was shredding the ocean so hard I was killing the ocean
  • After Hayes' intro Sean talks about how he didn't know you could kill the ocean, he accidentally killed a shark once but not the ocean. One time he also killed a shark because he ran over one with a wave runner. Sean talks about how this is a pointless witchhunt on accusing him of not liking sharks or not killing sharks, because actually he was a consultant on sharknado, and he loves sharks, but it's just an unfortunate side effect. Sean's the king of the jungle, and he's the king of the jungle and on top of the food pyramid
  • Hayes and Sean want to talk about books and smart stuff today. They don't want to alienate anyone but that's just what's on their minds today. There's a book they want to talk about this week that's a smash up. It combines two of these ideas that's a big part of culture. Freaky-ness and the economy, and that makes a book called Freakonomics.
  • Traditional economics is numbers showing money and it's what banks use. But this is a little different, it's taking the bank numbers but making it more like real life. Sean cuts in to say it's the kind of thing Obama doesn't have time for -- he's doing numbers like how much money do we owe to China, but this is.... (Sean stumbles around for awhile looking for an example) he finally says it's like how much names there is in a phonebook. Hayes says that's a great example at taking numbers and applying them to humans, and you can also take that concept and do it to movies as well
  • So Hayes and Sean sat down with Paul Krugman and a couple other of their economist friends, but also a few freaks -- Jesse Camp, DJ Qualls, Zippy the Pinhead.
  • One of the formula's Sean and Hayes came up with was that in the past 50 years movies with chopping wood is usually louder than movies about judges. The reason is usually judges are saying 'be quiet' but nobody is saying that when chopping wood, the only sound judges usually have going on is the sound of a fan and one guy talking. You might think a movie with a judge in it would be louder than a movie about chopping wood (because the judge holds a thing in his hand that makes a lot of noise -- a smasher hammer and a noisy plate. But like they say in the book Freakonomics, don't blame us, we're just the numbers guys it's the numbers fault
  • Hayes wants to talk about another statistic he came up with. They looked at movies, all movies with every movie. They found something interesting. If you look at movies with a car, and you take all those movies, those movies did better on average than because of Winn Dixie. Because of Winn Dixie did okay, but what they found is anywhere in the country, if you want to beat this movie, all you have to do is a make a movie with a car in it. This one shocked Sean, because he's known cars to be less popular with children than dogs. Another interesting statistic Sean found is that you would think people would want to know the second sentence to 'Because of Winn Dixie' but apparently not, they didn't care. it's a good segway to their third point
  • The third interesting statistic for Hayes and Sean is that they didn't care about the sentence after Because of Winn Dixie, and Hayes thinks it's because they didn't put a '...' before or after that title. Sean says he thinks it was because of a movie '...But I'm a cheerleader' a movie people went to in drones to go see, did so well he believes dots are important and talks about how inviting they are. They can use these kinds of numbers to learn more about movies. They're really able to learn the science about movies.
  • The full title of 'Because of Winn Dixie' was actually... "I don't have my homework, it was ruined because of Winn Dixie eating it" and that happens when you see the movie, it was a really big part.
  • Sean hates this segment to be over with so fast, he asks Hayes if they have any more statistics that hinge completely on if you've seen the movie Because of Winn Dixie, he doesn't want to cast too large of a net to other movies. He wants to really zero in on Because of Winn Dixie

Guest SegmentEdit

  • Sean talking over the theme: So we're running and lauffing, and running and lauffing and our paper bags are soaked through. Our apples and sandwich's are falling everywhere and our hamburger sandwich is soaked and fell on the ground so we run and banged on the nearest door for shelter cause of the thunderstorm and who do you think answers the door? It was Alvira. This story had started very happy but it took a dark turn. Sean clarifies to say that his friends George Lopez, and Jeff Foxworthy wanted to run into the house to not get soaked, but Sean didn't want to run into that spooky house so he stayed in the rain. That made Hayes feel better as the story turned back into a safe direction.
  • Sean asks Lauren right away to give them some spoilers on Jurassic World and Lauren tells them that the story Sean was just talking about is very similar to the plot of the movie, and she wonders if he was hanging around any of the writers that night
  • Sean asks Lauren: Is dinosaurs as scary as real monsters? to which Lauren replies they is but only because they was real and so monsters not real, dinosaurs can come back
  • Hayes wants to ask Lauren about the first Jurassic Park, and Lauren says to go ahead she knows everything. Were the little girl and the other kid supposed to be fucking? Lauren says they were supposed to have a romance when adults, but they had that glimmer of it as bother and sister as children. The electricity between them the whole movie was insane, so sexy. Lauren says they will cover that in the new movie, those siblings will be having sex in the new film
  • Hayes asks if there are dinosaurs in this movie. Lauren has not seen them so she doesn't know, but she says they may add them later. Sean thinks they should bail on that idea, what he found interesting about the old movies was the people
  • You can't have a relationship with a dinosaur, it's scales are too hard. Lauren tries to say you can in it's hole, but Sean reads a lot of science books and clarifies to tell her you can't. inter-species love making between two species that never lived on earth at the same time is a specific expertise for Sean. Lauren throws out an example of Griffons and cats, and right of the gate she hit the nail on the head. Griffons have some cat blood in them actually
  • Usually any time Sean gives an example of inter-species love making he uses the example with him. Lauren even noticed a drawing of him making love to some animals
  • Lauren asks if she can get a drawing of her riding a Griffon and Sean is hoisting them up on his shoulders like they won a big game
  • All the Jurassic movies were books, Jurassic World was called 'This one the book' Lauren loved this book so she was so happy to be in the movie
  • Lauren goes on to say almost any time a book was before a movie the book was better. Usually this is because you already read this story and when you see this movie, it's like -- I already know what's gonna happen!
  • If Lauren were small she could go into her kitchen cabinet, a toilet cover (like the top where the water is) curl up inside a headphone, a mouse hole (she would be friends and ride small animals) almost sounds like more than friends
  • Hayes and Sean thank Lauren for coming on the show and Lauren asks if she'll get paid for being on the show. it's $2,000 dollars every time she comes onto a show. Sean and Hayes ignore what she's saying and plug that they want to be the 2nd least popular show on earwolf by the end of the year instead of the least favorite so please convince or trick your friend to make the show look more popular, it doesn't have to be real

Recurring Segments Edit

  • Ehh... The Book Was Better - This is a segment Sean and Hayes do pretty frequently. It's where they talk about a movie that was book first
    • The first book they want to talk about is Mars meets Moms - When Lauren read this she was enthralled, but what she didn't like in the movie is that Mars meets dads. Mars Blackman isn't even in the movie at all! That's the thing about books though, you don't have to worry about shooting schedules or anything
      • Mars Blackmon is trying to date a MILF in the movie he's hunting for them in a van
      • Mars Blackmon's famous catchphrase: Gotta catch em all
    • The next book they talk about is Ernest Goes to Jail - and Lauren says she didn't like it as much as a movie
      • In the book he was a survivor but in the movie he was dumb
      • He's scared a lot too, but Sean asks if Hayes is talking about Scared stupid instead, and Sean tells him it'd be a pretty stupid title if he wasn't scared in that one. Hayes asks if Ernest was brave in all the other movies except for Scared Stupid and Sean replies he's brave when he saves christmas, goes to camp, when he goes to school he's brave but he doesn't know how to use a pencil
      • Lauren asks if a film like that could be made today and be accepted because of it's character, his general lack of knowledge. Sean and Hayes talk about knowledge is what sells now, people love to see knowledge
    • Hayes asks if they've read The Whole Nine Yards and Sean doesn't want to get into a fight but he thinks the movie did it better than the book. Lauren immediately interjects yelling No! and Oh god. The book you could only really picture things that were on the screen were rather satisfying to see
      • Lauren asks Sean to describe the first scene of the book to her and Sean says that this woman had to distract these guys through a rather ingenious tactic, to.... capture the attention of one of these male characters from her. Hayes has the book, and asks Sean if he wants to read the passage Hayes' eyes have worn out the page from reading it so much
        • An interesting aspect of the book is that they actually mention the characters by name and even mention the actors who later play them in the movie
        • Hayes asks why in the book they change the name from Jimmy the Rose to Jimmy the Tulip. It's because they couldn't get the rights to that name, it's just such an expensive flower.
        • The name The Whole Nine Yards actually came from the fact that a long time ago football fields were nine yards. Back then they didn't have vitamins and they were small and that was a long distance to run. You'd fall asleep mid way through the field actually.
  • Popcorn Gallery (Segment included in Best-of Show #084 - Moments of Greatness, Our Constant Companions)\
    • All by Andy Kneis. Warning: the first two questions are asked while he is in a horny mood, and are very perverted
    • They call Andy, and based on the way Andy responded Sean asks if he's unsafe in his home.
    • Lauren asks Andy a question: What's your favorite part of Home Alone the movie? Andy's favorite part is the part where he goes 'ugh that's your girlfriend!' Ugh more girlfriend talk, Sean really wishes Andy would exorcise these demons from his body before they'd get on the phone with them
    • Lauren has another question for Andy: If you were pranking someone what food would you use for the prank? Andy replies that he'd use some pudding or something he could dump on their head. Knowing he's in a sexual mood this may be the most horrifying detail of all. Lauren feels violated
      1. Do you and your significant other, do you ever do anything, like, funny, to like, annoy each other, er, like playfully? Like do any jokes, like, do you have any inside jokes with each other or anything?
        •   What Lauren thinks is fun, is they'll drop something and then bend over and fart in each others ear over and over and over until someone poo's. It's a loving inside joke not a prank
      2. Lauren, do you like super hero movies?
        • She doesn't really, based on the fact that she finds them boring. Sean tells her to give him a real answer. She loves them to death! if she could marry a superhero she'd marry batman, and she'd dream of him every night while she masturbates   
      3. Lauren, do you think that um, TV is better than movies now?
        • Lauren says that a TV is better than a movie (Sean and Hayes really appreciate Andy doing what he had to do in order to get a real question out of him) Lauren got her respect back, Andy says thank you it's been nice talking to you (It seems that he built up his hornyness back up again and talking has never meant talking so much than now) even Andy has Hayes all riled up now!  
  • Pro Version - Zsinjeh - His prize is he gets to be a producer of a podcast! all that involves is making arrangements and compensating the guest. So he'll contact Lauren and compensate Lauren for being on the show

Recurring Jokes Edit

  • Hayes's Loud Laugh - Hayes laughs audibly at Sean calling the judges' gavel a smasher hammer and a noisy plate
    • Hayes has another loud long laugh when Sean asks him if they have another statistic that hinge completely on if you've seen the movie Because of Winn Dixie
    • Hayes laughs really loud when Sean calls out Andy for getting horny again during the popcorn gallery
  • Wife and Kids - Steffie just gave birth to quadtuplets or whatever that four one is. Fourlets. Sean gave each one of them a gift, one a car, one a dog, and the other two he doesn't remember, but damned if the one he gave a car to didn't reach for that dog.
  • Talking to the Engineer - Hayes and Sean ask engineer code man if they have enough time to talk about Because of Winn Dixie and Cody says he guesses, yeah. Sean then says well engineer code man is saying we don't have time so let's move on to the guest
  • Lauffing / Hamburger Sandwich - Both mentioned when Sean was talking over the guest intro theme song
    • During the movie Jurassic World when the Hamburger Sandwiches get wet the dinosaurs eat them not the humans
  • Rando - Hayes asks if there is anything funnier now then on ads now then someone riding a dragon or something. Sean and Lauren LOVE that! It's so R-A-N-D-O Rando! Lauren loves rando shit. Like something pooping rainbows outta it's butt. Or when the old spice guy was half horse
  • Speak on That - Hayes and Sean ask Lauren to speak on that regarding Mars Blackmon hunting for MILF's in a van, to Lauren he was like someone who saved her in a lot of dark times. She looked up to his work a lot, she clarifies that she's talking about the basketball player. When she would watch him dunk she feels great!
    • Hayes then asks Sean to speak on that about Mars Blackmon, and Sean clarifies to say how he was selling shoes (as Lauren clearly said) and he talks about how he was a wrestler
      • Sean asks Hayes to speak on that about who exactly Mars Blackmon is, which is a character played by Spike Lee and also appeared in many Nike commercials
    • At one point Lauren says she wishes she could be tiny and Sean asks her to speak on that Lauren says she wishes she could be small and go into little places and be carried around by her friends
  • Mark - They don't have a sound drop prepared for the popcorn gallery so they just played an old one hoping it'll fit. It does fit! it was based on the novel Crank 2: High Voltage. Lauren also has a sound drop she plays, and it sounds like a really nice girl for Mark. Lauren's friend Liz does the sound drops for her, she hired her off of craigslist
    • Lauren play's another of Liz's sound drops and she pulled a cell phone from the popcorn bag. Sean plays another old one where Mark pulls a button that says vote Dukakis.
    • Lauren plays another sound drop where liz finds a record the size of her head. Sean then plays a clip of Mark who finds a micro-machine the size of a car!
  • Bashing Other Podcasts - Lauren plugs Comedy Bang Bang on IFC which brings Sean and Hayes to a complaint about the show. They've tried many of their games on their podcast and just can't seem to get the show. They're trying to reverse engineer the show.
  • Corker of a Guest


  • Cards Against Humanity - This episode is sponsored by cards against humanity they asked us not to read an ad. Sean opens this ad by thanking everyone who bought the Humor At Home For Dummies cards that they talked about last week (they had really good humor instead of this blue humor you get from cards against humanity) The fact that Cards Against Humanity is still a business and not advertising tells Sean that they must be using really cheap materials. Humor At Home For Dummies is starting to get really expensive because they're really nice cards, and it's costing too much to shelf at this point -- Sean now has to email you a .PDF file which takes a few weeks. Sean asks people to please not forward said email. The price for these cards are $48.99

Episode Photos Edit

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