Nick Wiger, Our Close Friend

Episode

44

Release Date

August 5, 2014

Episode Guide
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Alex Borstein, Our Close Friend	Johnny Pemberton, Our Close Friend

"Nick Wiger, Our Close Friend" is the forty-fourth episode of Hollywood Handbook.

Official Earwolf Page

Earwolf Synopsis[]

Hayes and Sean start with “Welcome to Welcome to Sweden, etc”, where they talk about their favorite new television shows. Then, viral sensation NICK WIGER is in the studio to make some controversial statements about the internet being the future and talk about viral content, Vine, Funny or Die, and monetizing Twitter. Finally, the Popcorn Gallery theme song asks Nick about nothing.

Notes & Memorable Quotes[]

Pre-Guest Segment[]

Sean talking over the theme: "So I can't see the dancing, and I can't see the dancing and you know those Cirque de Soleil 'Love' tickets are really expensive so I'm like getting pissed and so I go 'Hey mister! take that big stone pipe hat off!'the hat comes off, turns around, it's Anna Gunn." "Wearing a man's hat, how strange!" Anna is doing the Mystery pick-up artist thing, as was peacocking, she's single now, trying to pickup Hank Azaria
Sean HATES when people are fake, and he thinks it goes back to how he accidentally had sex with a doll who he thought was a person, which sort of raised his awareness about fake stuff. How dangerous it can be. It's a slippery slope with all this science stuff and 3D printing. Sean mentions the doll he had sex with was a girl, and for those who don't know the whole story somebody had put a radio behind it's head, so he thought it was singing to him! (Pink's "Raise Your Glass," which Sean sings beautifully. This humble wiki editor can not do it justice)
As Hayes is closing up the Pre-Guest segment introducing Nick Wiger, Sean asks if he was making fun of him, Hayes mentions that he put a fair amount of time into working with him on that (improving his self-esteem about fucking the doll) and Sean mentions how that's what made him scared how Hayes was sort of a ghoulish figure who who seizes on the fact that he's vulnerable because he got scared and got violent with himself after Hayes helped him with these issues. Hayes mentions how he has things going on, and that they took a trip together about this, to the factory so he could see that they were just dolls. It's no attachment there and they don't love anybody. Sean apparently talked to several employees about this. Sean just feels so self-conscious about it, how Hayes knows so much about it, it makes him almost scared about how he's gonna get recorded like a Jamie Kennedy Experiment type of thing.
Sean mentions how it's really scary to get X'd it's a real fear people have in this town specifically. He's worried that Hayes may have set up the whole factory scene. Hayes assures Sean he's not tricking him and that his awareness it too heightened and that he's too skittish now. But then Sean tells Hayes that Emmanuel told him Hayes is the one who put the radio behind the doll, on the windowsill, and played a song that's pretty provocative, very sensual. And that's why Sean doesn't trust Hayes.
Hayes admits that he put the radio behind the doll, but what Sean did was NOT what he anticipated would happen. The mean nature that it went down in, such as Sean using bad language during the act, like the N-word. As Hayes was watching this go down he thought, should I go stop it? but he was afraid he'd lose a hand or something. Sean and Hayes say they love each other.

Guest Segment []

Sean talking over the theme: "So I'm at the Air & Space museum with Jenna.. Fisher, and we're in that little theater they have where you can watch that movie planes or whatever and she's like 'I wore my overalls for you,' and I'm like 'What do you mean?' and she goes 'To make it easier for you to finger me' Does that make any sense to you?"
Nick Hayes and Sean talk about how internet content is taking over media, because they're tiny movies and they're free. Unlike other forms of entertainment you can't have an intimate setting and have it in your home
Hayes wants to backtrack and talk about Nick's time at Funny or Die: people know Will, Chris Henchy and Adam McKay-- and wants to know about 'the henchman' Nick talks about how he was basically the core of this triangle of people, basically holding up the company
Hayes wants to talk about more of the behind the scenes of Funny or Die and asks Nick about a scenario where they want to and can't wait to see a video from Funny or Die. What next? They're not hungry, sleepy, they can breathe easily (sometimes Sean has asthma), none of that is going on, they're ready to watch. Nick goes on to say what he would do is to make sure his sides are ready to be split, make sure you're in a room where you can find your socks when they get knocked off, and if you're wearing a bow tie just don't be lying on your back, because you might lift off and fly like a helicopter when it starts spinning. Sean talks about that happened to his uncle and it really messed up his back when his uncle hit the ceiling fan and the two spinners got caught and it flinged him really hard, across the room. A parlor with very distant walls.
Hayes relates the site to Splitsider, but Nick tells him that it's only like Splitsider in the sense that it's on the internet. Splitsider analyzes their content more than Funny or Die, and it's about the skits. Sean mentioned how it's basically the SNL stars of tomorrow and they go on to talk about how being on TV and being on YouTube is the same thing nowadays. Hayes asks if that stuff really happen, and Nick tells him sometimes it does, it happens in the sense that it's documented on a camera and put into a video, and once that happened it happened. Hayes asks that it's not computers then? and Nick goes on to say that computers are everywhere nowadays, how can you avoid them? And Sean mentions how that could be a skit, because computers is everywhere, so what if they're like in a bird's nest or something?
Sean was the inspiration for Flik in A Bug's Life
Sean mentions how one thing he likes when he's watching a Funny or Die video is how he sees a bit of cleavage. Nick says he's not shy to put a busty woman in the thumbnail and have a bit of TnT (Tit in the Thumbnail). Hayes talks about how it's a bit of a problem when you want to watch a video and the mouse cursor covers up the thumbnail so he can't see the busty woman. Nick talks about how it's a definite web problem but how tablets and phones nowadays have kinda solved that problem
Sean wants to talk about Vine, and asks 'is surprise is important in Vines?' Nick says it is but you want to subvert expectations
They discuss that mad baby! Nick talks about how content lives on the web forever and how this Will Ferrell video came out in the early days of the site, but Sean mentions he has JUST seen it! so it can't be old, because he had JUST seen it!
Nick talks about how when he releases a spooky video on Funny or Die people people usually go crazy, and knock over their cubicle walls, or soil themselves, and just go crazy. People would send this spooky vine around to their friends, hoping that they'll soil their drawers. The downside of the internet is that it can be used for a nasty trick, or a nasty surprise. Such as when Sean correctly has identified the bosom or buttocks of the celebrity, he should be rewarded!
Hayes asks if he clicks on Die on 'Funny or Die' that's not him right? That's not me die right? Nick assures him that it's not him dying, it's the person who uploaded the video, and he will die eventually, but basically you're saying you dislike the video.
Sean is so happy that they wouldn't let Kardashian get a star on the walk of fame in Hollywood. As far as Nick is concerned the walk of fame should be saved for make up artists. Hayes talks about how she's a slut, and both Nick and Sean are taken aback. Imagine her being next to Cherly Hines! To Nick, the Walk of Fame should be reserved for superstars like makeup artist Max Factor. Sean asks if he really wants to get into it, and Hayes goes on a rant talking about how Kim Kardashian is a slut. He's seen how she is on the show, and he's seen how she is with men, he's seen things. Both Nick and Sean are uncomfortable and Sean defends Kim saying her show has some good family values.
Hayes asks Sean why he's ragging on him about this, and mentions that mere moments ago he said he didn't like her. Sean mentions that he never spoke against her character, just that he didn't think she should be on the Walk of Fame. Now, One of the many dogs who played Rin Tin Tin, that's famous! That's a star! When Hayes asks why, Sean mumbles 'because of the dick sucking video' and Nick mentions that he has a similar problem, but he's just being more coy about it.
Hayes and Sean ask Nick about monetizing Twitter, because it's a free site. "How to have money?" Hayes asks. The way Nick makes most of his money on Twitter, is he's a troll. He likes to roast people virally, and that's where he really makes his money -- by pwning them.
Nick gives an example of his roasting on Twitter, and how he took down Tostitos at the urging of their business rival, Frito-Lay. He put a dot in front of his @ reply which means everyone can see it, and he basically tweeted '.@tostitos hey these are good chips if I want something to feed to someone who's got no taste buds! #fail #weaksauce.' Sean is super impressed about this ferocious attack, and hopes no one has ever done this to him! Now people who want to read about fails on Twitter are clicking on that hashtag and associating Tostitos with fails!
Sean asks Nick off the record if he misses Tostitos, and Nick mentions that he does, but he was a hired gun, and he had to take them down
They discuss this Anthony Cumia thing. Just talking can get you into jail now?? Nick didn't read all of the Constitution, but he read the First Amendment. And he didn't read all of the First Amendment, but 'Freedom of Speech' is in there. Hayes chipped his Sirius box out of his console with the back of a hammer, and now it's sparking. Sean covered his with tape. Nick got some stencils and put 'Not So' in front of it, 'Not So Sirius.' "Ooo Nick. Nick, nooo... oof!" The boys freak a little about how brutal this roast is.
Nick states on the record -- The internet is here to stay
Hayes asks Nick to ask the listeners to rate the podcast, and Sean tells him to push the 5 stars, and Hayes tells him to say 1 star is bad.

Recurring Segments[]

Welcome to Welcome to Sweden, etc - A segment where they talk about shows that they like, especially shows that are flying under the radar on underground networks like NBC

Welcome to Sweden is about a man who moves to Sweden and his experience there is very strange, it's totally coo-coo
- Because Sean doesn't own a TV he rarely watches other shows other than Coach, but one day Sean said F it one day and decided to watch Welcome to Sweden and he lorved it.
- This guy Greg Poehler-- turns out his sister is acting at the same time, at the beginning of the show. They're both actors and they're both ion this show. In fact she's also an executive producer on the show. Hayes remarks that he heard this wasn't because of them being siblings but because she saw the script with the first page torn off and loved it so much that she decided, "I make this TV show now." And so now it's on TV and she gets on set and she finds out this guy is her brother?! This is a guy she knew when she was a little baby?
- Sean remarks how weird it is when you're in another country, and how once he was in Vienna at a 'musement park and how the fried dough tasted so crazy to him. He says the sausages tasted good, but the fried dough tasted almost alien to him. Hayes corrects him saying the dough IS the sausages, and Sean mentions how it's a kind of language barrier type of thing
The next show to discuss is about Emile Hirsch's Uncle -- On the show about Emile Hirsch's Uncle Sean mentions this guy on there has only had Hamburger Sandwich to eat. He eats Japanese foods -- sushis, and he hates it! he has to keep eating it to keep his new job.
- The main character's name is Buzz, he had this strange experience where he grows up in America, but then it's time to go to this job, where his boss is played by Emile Hirsch, who is supposed to be old in it. Buzz and Emile actually hate each other in real life, but for the sake of the show they decided they'd hang out with each other again
- Emile has actually wanted to play an old Japanese man for quite some time, his company is the company that makes Mitsubishi. Which Sean remarks that one time he took an ecstasy pill with the Mitsubishi symbol on it and he rolled his fuckin' tits off (he then tells Hayes to go ahead and keep talking) Hayes mentions how he has to go to work, which is in Japan, and he'll have to eat a big lunch which is Japanese food, but then he'll go home at the end of the day. So you have these episodes where he's just eating two different kinds of foods all day that's the pilot -- he has to figure out a way to eat Hamburger Sandwich, then go to work and eat Sushi, then go back home and figure out which one he's supposed to eat.
- Sean then mentions the scene where he goes home and sticks a chopstick in hamburger sandwich and he gets hurt because he tries to eat it like that
- That show was called Welcome to Hamburgers
The next show is the sitcom show about Tom Brady's mom on the NFL network. On this show Tom Brady's mom plays a retired Japanese Geisha who no longer can use her feminine wiles to please business men, and she needs to find some kind of new work so her new job is having a hamburger sandwich (by the way this is all in Germany) when she's doing this she's also getting all these phone calls, and she can't stand it because she has disease where she keeps getting scared. But she keeps getting phone calls, and she's eating hamburger sandwich, and she's never had it because she's only had the octopus fish, and all the squid so she's really out of sorts until her boss comes by who is actually Tom Brady (who actually didn't want to be in it)
- Hayes mentions how there were actually lots of football guys in the show, Sean mentions Michael Peterson (is that someone?) Michael Sam (plays like the bus boy). He's clearin' the plates, but at the same time has kind of his own story goin on. Whenever there's a full moon, he pisses himself. You can't control which shift you get. He's wearing that big apron, but in the episode Sean saw, he pissed right through it.
- Hayes asks who Michael Peterson is, since Sean is much more of a football guy than Hayes. Michael Peterson is on the Minneapolis Vikings, and he does touchdowns like madness, and so some of the guys stop touchdowns, and some of the guys does touchdowns, and he's really one of the one who just does big touchdowns and is a thrill and a half
- Anyway -- Tom Brady is her boss, and when Erntz comes in, if he catches you with the ketchup, you're gonna get really really punched, you're not allowed to like ketchup! So between that, all the football guys (whether they're the touchdown guys or not) you really got a recipe for success!

Popcorn Gallery - Hayes and Sean don't have any questions from the popcorn gallery, but they bought rights to the song, so they figured they should play the song anyway (Charlie Murphy-Browns's song). They discuss Romeo Must Die while it plays
Pro Version - Tartan - unfortunately it was a negative prize this week, it's a bit of a booby prize, and Tartan is about to get owned and pwned. Nick tells Tartan whatever heap of garbage he's listening to this in, probably a burned-out car, he assumes he's been subsisting on gutter water and mealworms, cause he doesn't have a source of income. He goes on to say Tartan is like Tarzan only instead of the Z being in his name, it's in his thought bubble because when he's around him he makes Nick want to sleep. #weaksauce

Recurring Jokes[]

Coo coo - The plot of Welcome to Sweden is totally Coo coo
Doesn't Own a TV / Italy- It's really hard for Sean to relate to a new TV show because he doesn't own a TV so he has to go out to a fancy restaurant to watch. He usually only watches coach or something like Coach. Something like the film Devils Advocate which is like coach in the sense that it has that one guy Sean likes in it. Anyway Sean said F it one day while eating veal pomodoro at Movies Bistro and decided to watch Welcome to Sweden and he lorved it.
Hamburger Sandwich - Numerous references in Welcome to Welcome to Sweden, etc
Jamie Kennedy - Sean got X'ed
Hayes's Loud Laugh - Sean explains further how Michael Sam is the busboy, but he also has a plot line where when there's a full moon he pisses himself. Hayes mentions how he's wearing an apron though, but Sean tells him he pisses right through the apron, which actually makes a hole through the apron. Nick's roasting of Tartan gets Hayes howlin' too, letting loose with a loud one.
- Controversial Sean - Hayes mentions how it seems to be a statement on his sexual preference. Sean says he doesn't have a problem with it but he gets into a rant about how gay people can't have a kid and how it's fake and they're lying! That kind of pretending is not okay with Sean, just say the truth -- you bought it, just like how he bought his canoe! He doesn't have a problem with them being on the show or anything like that though.
Sean's Little Cousin - is crazy good with computers, he's a total whiz, and he can make the mouse cursor look like it's picking someone's nose. Nick asks more about Sean's little cousin, and asks if he listens to podcasts? Hayes mentions that it's something he often wonders himself, he is a sound engineer for them, but sometimes he wonders if he's actually listening or if he's 'jeffing off.' Nick says to Sam -- that sounds like textbook viral content, he needs to vine that.
Speak on That - Nick talks about how you want to subvert expectations in Vine videos, and Sean asks him to speak on that, he goes on to say you also want to live up to those expectations. You want people to go in expecting one thing but getting another, but also getting what they came in for.
Too Scary- Tom Brady's mom is scared when the phone rings. Sean talks about how scared he was that he was getting X'd by Hayes regarding the whole Doll situation. And Sean also mentions you don't want to be scary in your Vines
Politics - Sean talks about the Republicants and the Democraps when discussing Nick's Twitter takedown of Tostitos. Nick was on the same page. There's only one party that has 'Liberty' in the name!