"Nicole Byer, Our Close Friend" is the seventy-first episode of Hollywood Handbook.
Earwolf Synopsis Edit
Hayes and Sean talk about their favorite moments from the Daily Show and speculate as to who Jon Stewart’s replacement will be. Then NICOLE BYER of MTV’s Girl Code drops in to sample Engineer Cody’s Homemade Water and answer some questions Girl Code-style.
Notes & Memorable Quotes Edit
Pre-Guest Segment Edit
- Hayes over the theme: "So, I take the cat out, and this guy in like a hat comes up and he's like 'Is that yours?' 'n I'm like 'It's not on the leash.' And he goes 'What are like, the headphones for?' and I'm like 'Well, that's so he doesn't get scared by the honking cars and all that and doesn't want to go home.' The guy goes 'What's his name?' and I say 'Well, his name's Napster. That's what he is, you look at him, that's what he's doing right now.' And the guy goes 'Oh! That's really interesting,' and puts on kind of a weird look, that I think nothing of at the time. But he's like 'Hmm!' And two days later, I go check his little house in the backyard.. he's gone. All his stuff is gone. And then right after that he starts showing up on everybody's computer.' Sean: "Sorry, tell me again, I wasn't listening." "You remember my cat? It turned out, that my cat was the Napster cat." "Sorry, one second..... uh huh, go ahead?" "It was the story where it sort of very slowly unfurled this idea that I have a cat that it seems like in the beginning is just a normal cat.." "Whose cat?" "It was mine! That's all you know at the start of the story. But graaadually! As I get farther and farther into it, these little clues are peppered in that eventually lead you in to the revelation that it was the Napster cat." Sean misses this explanation as well, he just received a text message he didn't like. It was from Jadakiss. He doesn't want to do his best flows on Sean's beats! He might have some secondary flows he wants to use on his buddies' beats. Hayes really feels down that his story didn't work out, that it might not be funny or interesting. The guy in the hat in the story was Sean Fanning. Sean then laments that he didn't use his Jadakiss stuff to call back to the Napster cat story
- OMG the news! Jon Stewart is leaving, going somewhere else. Being very secretive about what his next job will be! Won't everyone be surprised and excited when he announces the office he's going to run for. Sean thinks he's way off on this, and thinks he's going to do Rosewater. Sean thinks it's going to be a series of 15 or 16 Rosewater films.
- Hayes and Sean love the Daily Show. Sean finds it's very unbiased, it's even where he gets his news! Hayes says "I can be finding that the funny news can even be more actual and more information than the main news. And why am I be supposed to watch the main news when the funny news I'm being more smart on that show!"
- So many great memories from the show, Hayes thinks it got really good in the last 5 or 6 years. They played a clip of a guy saying something so absurd and ridiculous, and they cut back to Jon Stewart and he's just looking at the camera like 'Really.?' Doin the Steve Harvey. Sean thinks John and Steve are Kings of Comedy
- Hayes asks is he remember the time, something with the president, and he goes, and suddenly being another guy, and he goes "Hey! You talk about this thing over here? What do we do, we got a this, we got a that, we doin this thing!" And he turns to the camera and puts on a very scary serious face and he goes 'Look.' Something about firefighters that it's very messed up to be mean to firefighters in this way. How dare you!
- Sean asks if Hayes remembers this: they play a clip, and a politician, maybe a Gloria Giffords, and they really put their foot in their mouth. And he goes, he pulls at his collar like he nervous and he talk like a nerd: "eeeya, Me no likey the-a sound-a bite-a!" And then he got serious and he go "Look. You gotta give these guys health insurance. How dare you try to let the army guys not be sick anymore."
- Sean remembers Mo Rocca and Brian Unger on the show, they're saying one thing but that's not what they mean. Sean prefers what they ultimately decided to go with: News clips, crazy voice, serious voice, then unassailable opinion, and long clapping.
- Who can replace Jon? You need to be smart, but you need three voices: dumb guy, nerdy guy, goofy guy, and serious stern voice. But being tough, as well. Morpheus could be good, he's a teacher. Explaining to people about the world, and lifting the veil. Lots of America are eating the blue pill, but the Daily Show was the red pill! Sean thinks Elizabeth Smart would be a good choice-- Smart is already in her name, and toughness with what she went through! She was stuck in a whole for 6, 8 months. She can go head to head with Rick Santorum!
- Sean has two funny answers:
- Brian Williams
- Craig Kilborn
- Hayes breaks down why these are funny. Sean roasts Kilborn for formerly having John Cleese on, he wants to hear from some guy whose book he won't read!
- Hayes notices that the hosts have been white guys for a long time, and he thinks Lucy Liu or the one from Sideways or the nefarious schoolgirl from Kill Bill who's swinigng the scary balls! Talk about toughness.
- Sean wonders if Left Shark could be the replacement! Hayes loses it over this, just loves it. What would he be saying "Uh just one second not ready yet!"
- Hayes mentions the drawing that he got from Greggy this week, and how he notices on the back that he wrote he has a podcast called Podcasts are Wonderful. They talk about HH sometimes, and they've had good guests like Katy Perry and Gordon Ramsey on the show. Sean chides him for plugging this show without Hayes warning him he was going to before. Sean couldn't listen to the show before taping because he was having a skateboard painting competition where he was trying to paint the baddest skull! Sean did lose this competition. Hayes saw the board and though the theme of having it be a puzzle pattern was interesting.
Guest Segment Edit
- Sean over the theme: "So I turn to Bruce... Bruce, and uh I say 'Look, we've been in this section for an hour and a half, can't you just pick a candle already?' And he says 'I'm all sniffed out! I can't smell the difference anymore.' He needs to clear it. So I go 'OK.' I stick my jockey shorts in his face! And that's the kind of fun we have!" "And that actually does cancel out all the other smells! It's like a saltine." "But anyway, so I'm like 'OK, great, this is clear and it's all fun!' but wouldn't you know, he put it in his act!?" Hayes feigns as if he wasn't listening, to make up for Sean's doing so in the Pre-Guest segment
- Hayes points out that Nicole is on Girl Code, which means she is a girl, and that the last 4 out of 5 podcast episodes have had girls on them. They did have Seth Morris on the show, but he was a man working FOR them.  The equals/friends they've had on the show have all been women and isn't that interesting?
- Nicole points out it's actually black history month, so they should have more Negros on the show. Hayes has been e-mailing Scott Aukerman asking for them to have more on the show, and Sean asks Nicole if she has any connections for them. Hayes is worried he will be called a "Honky" on his own show. Sean explains it's OK if they say it about themselves, as they do that in most episodes. Nicole calls Hayes sassy, which Sean says is a nice way of putting it.
- The guys want to talk about water this week, so they decide to try Uncle Cody's Homemade Water. Nicole says it's very refreshing! Sean thinks it tastes good at first but after not so much, as it's thicker and siltier. Cody explains that he mines the water from a secret location, and he also adds his secret ingredient, which Nicole guesses is cum. The guys laugh, but Hayes and Sean don't think it really tastes like cum. His secret ingredient is actually potash. (pronounced po-tash)
- Hayes notices that Cody is taking an aggressive stance towards Nicole for a number of reasons. He says that her gender and race don't help, but the main reason is that Girl Code is infringing on Cody's show Girl Cody. Cody would do a strange girl voice, and do some of what Shane Dawson is doing on his YouTube channel.
- Nicole brings up the movie Wild and says it is garbage. They guys are outraged. Sean says she is "taking the piss", which is a part of his British character Nigel. Hayes and his girlfriend Carrie-Ann are even thinking of doing the Wild walk themselves. Sean liked it because they aren't enough big roles for women, and so he liked seeing a main character in an Oscar film be a woman. The guys then accuse Nicole of liking the movie more if it was a man in the role.
- Nicole Says she loved the Movie Lucy. Hayes says I Love Lucy was a TV show, so she's wrong. Engineer Cody bursts into the podcast with an unprompted impression of Ricky Ricardo, but the guys actually love it! They think it's because of something Cody put in his water.
- The guys and Nicole give Cody some Business advice. They say you use the same type of water for everything, and Hayes doesn't wanna use the same water that goes on his armpit on his face. They say Cody should make some shower water. Cody points out that shower water is recycled, and that when it goes down the drain it comes back out of the shower head. This horrifies everyone, and Hayes moves swiftly past it.
- Hayes asks Nicole about Girl Code. He says that No means No is a bad code, because a code is meant to correspond to something. So when a girl says no, is that actually a cryptogram? When he is with a women and she says no, but it actually looks like "OK, lets do this thing", What is Hayes supposed to do? Sean says that this is why Blurred Lines is such an important music video. Sean clarifies that Hayes is asking for a girls parking spot (so to speak). Nicole says that if the girl says no he should go to a new parking spot and pay for it. Hayes says guys are straight up, they don't play games. Guys like Sean and Hayes, they're straight up. Sean says what he means and means what he says but he don't say it mean, and that's the rules. Nicole calls up Guy Code and asks if they can get Sean on the show, but the guy says no. They believe him, because guys are straight up.
- Cody kicked a cooler under the table, and spilled a sharks endocrine gland. Cody is obsessed with water because of his tragic backstory and because of the value of the minerals. Nicole's backstory is that she fell off the stage when she was six and she said "I have to conquer the stage". A camera also fell on her when she was 11 and she said "I have to conquer this camera". She wishes a dick would fall on her, so she could conquer it.
- Sean says Girl Code is one of the best shows on TV. Well that and Better Call Saul.
- Nicole comes up with a slogan for Cody's water. "Drink my water, it wets my whistle!". Cody is doing too well for Sean and Hayes, They say they prefer an Engineer Sam, someone who is quiet and makes lots of mistakes so they know where they stand. They also like a Brett, he's thinking about what he'll play after the show on his guitar. The guys say Cody is a terrible Engineer, but he might be the best host at Earwolf! Hayes says he's "Much better then we are". Nicole starts asking Cody a bunch of questions that stretch Cody a little too thin. What they find is that Hayes and Sean can be mediocre for a very long time while Cody can be great in spurts.
Recurring Segments Edit
- Popcorn Gallery - The guys don't have any Popcorn Gallery questions, so they decide to make up some questions in the same vein as the listener questions. They also get Girl Cody to answer the questions as well as Nicole, in a competition
- Based on Nicole's name, they ask her "What is she supposed to be buying?". Nicole does a bit on Buyer sounding like Bryer.
- The guys ask a question like Joe McGurl would ask, So Based on a cursory IMDB search They see Nicole was in The Birthday Boys, and they ask her "Will you wish me a happy birthday"?
- Hayes mentions Michael Bay of Pigs before Sean asks - "Hey is it against Girl Code if my friend is with her man, if I like her man?"
- Anastasia Vigo: "Was it against Girl Code in the one Seinfeld episode where the Lady couldn't spare a square for a Elaine in the Lady's room?"
- 5: "Girl Cody, if you're on a first date, what's the Girl Cody on whether you should order a salad or a Hamburger Sandwich?" - Cody answers this with a look, which Hayes thinks almost ruins the show.
- Pro Version - Andy Dick Cheney - His prize is that Nicole does a Girl Code rant about people named Dick.
Recurring Jokes Edit
- Nerds - Jon Stewart would often speak in the voice of a nerd following a clip
- Newspaper Comics - since Garfield, every culture has worshiped cats, not just the culture of Karen O from Sideways. Sean does not agree with Garfield's nnnastiness (first mentioned in Ep. #003 - Donald Glover, Our Close Friend). Every culture that has a newspaper is making Garfield become the number one cat on the block
- Hamburger Sandwich - Sean ask Girl Cody "if you're on a first date, what's the Girl Cody on whether you should order a salad or a Hamburger Sandwich?"
- Doesn't Own a TV - Sean's never met anyone who brought up that they don't own a television, because he doesn't let them bring it up first.To stop this Sean will walk into a room with noise cancelling headphones, and say "I don't own a TV" as he's taking them off". That way, even if someone was saying the don't have a TV, he has plausible deniability.
- Hayes Plays a Song
- Meghan Trainer - "All About the Bass"
- Earwolfman Jack eulogy for Loot Crate- he had been sick for a long time, and he passed on after a long long battle of choking on a piece of turkey, a turkey bone. At the end, his skin was sort of translucent and the doctors would watch this thing go up and down, and it did seem for a while that it would come back up but it turned sideways, and that was all she wrote. It was a nice peaceful environment, but it was loud. He personally made a lot of noise, also there was construction in the room. The construction worker would say 'I can't hear my drill' and they need to listen for when they've found the stud. Earwolfman Jack wrote some copy for them to be read should he pass. Offer code Handbook. Earwolf signs off by writing out the words to the Uptown Funk riff and "Don't believe me just watch!" He howls, then he says "Where my real nerds at" as a nice conciliatory gesture to Poindexter the nerd. They did not get a long, this tension was what drove them apart.
- Hayes and Sean do a Second ad for Loot Crate at the end of the show. Sean makes a game out of guessing the promo code, because the promo code didn't work last week. Will it be Hollywood, will it be Handbook, or will it be something else entirely?