"Pauly Shore, Our Close Friend" is the sixty-first episode of Hollywood Handbook.
Earwolf Synopsis Edit
Are you addicted to Serial like the rest of the country? Hayes and Sean are finally talking about the wildly popular phenomenon, throwing their own spoilers and theories into the pot. Then, close personal friend Pauly Shore is in the studio to talk about all the famous people he’s seen naked and the Popcorn Gallery is back to ask about Son in Law and whether Tia Carrere is still hot.
Notes & Memorable Quotes Edit
Pre-Guest Segment Edit
- Hayes over the theme: "So, I'm waiting in the bed. Rose... McGowan was in the bathroom, waiting and waiting, it's taking a really long time, and eventually, in like half an hour, I'm like 'What's going on?' I get up, I check the bathroom, she's rooted through all my medicine cabinets! Everything's on the floor, she's just rooting around. So I think, Oh I know what this is, she's looking for the Sudafed so she can cook that down. I go 'Rose! Get out of my place!' And she says 'No, no, no. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I just wanted to figure out how you smell like you do. Like how you get your scent, like what's the secret.' It's nice. I go 'Rose, you silly girl! I just eat a bunch of flowers, you know? You eat a fistful of flowers and it comes out of your pores.'" "It's funny that people don't notice that. Because you have in your front pocket, flowers sticking out.." "And I'm sneaking bites!" "You're sort of leaning down and munching on it, sort of chewing the petals, you know, whenever it's not your turn to speak in a conversation." Hayes speculates that people don't connect the smell to the flowers. And her name is Rose!! Sean "And did you pound her out, did you drill her after that!? Did you give her the old Marilyn Manson, ya know what I mean, those two dated!" Hayes says this is an issue. She wants you to get a couple of your ribs removes? Sean heard that he did that so he could S his own D! Hayes has kissed Rose, who has kissed Marilyn, who has kissed his own D, it's like kissing his D! Sean thinks Hayes thinks that only Rose has kissed Marilyn, not S'ed his D. Hayes knows she wouldn't do that.
- Sean says the whole mission statement of the show along with Hayes, and Hayes confidently states that he will always do it right and Sean can't make him do it wrong. Sean says this was kind of a T Pain thing he was going for, did it sound auto-tuned!? Hayes "Did you hear T Pain without Autotune?? HE CAN REALLY SING!!! THAT GUY CAN REALLY SING!!"
- Sean says the show is finally going to talk about it like people have been asking, as they're one of the top podcasts in the world, under Wolf Den but above a lot of people who are doing it independently: that's right, what do they think about the top podcast of all time Serial. And no they're not talkin about CoooOOOookie Crisp! S-E-R-I-A-L because its a serialized series like the old The Shadow and The Shadow-nose.
- Earwolf came to the boys and are making them do Serial wrap-up podcasts, just like the AV Club and Slate did. The Earwolf big shots thought that the boys' content would and should be replaced.
- Sean loves mysteries, he got out his magnifying glass and his Sherlock hat and hopped in the car and started drivin' and listenin', Hayes was there. They listened to the entire Serial series on the drive into the studio today, they circled around the studio a couple of times in Sean's Pontiac Bonneville. They couldn't stop listening! Plus they had to do it
- Hayes says they each have some real theories what's going on with these guys. They couldn't hear too clearly though as the front two windows of the car had been bashed out. Sean says if he knew who did this, they'd be gettin' themselves bashed out with a lawsuit! We should never be violent with one another. Here's what Sean knows about the windows being bashed out: he went to get in his car, there's glass everywhere, and on his front seat, there's a metal... hamburger sandwich. He doesn't know who left this metal hamburger sandwich. The lettuce and ketchup are real, the bun is not metal but it also isn't a bun (he found that out the hard way), the burger part: that's metal. To him? That's a metal hamburger sandwich, and an indeterminable bun. He finds this, and starts working backwards: who wants to hurt him like this, and has access to metal and can maybe control metal. Hayes has an idea and so does Sean, they agree to say it at the same time:
MagnetoMagento. It takes them a few tries to work out the specifics
- The way they're smashed out, it makes a very unpleasant rippling sound. Like doing a huge whip-it. Hayes's whip-its were shaped like grenades. Back to Serial, Hayes wonders who is the main one who is, he's solving the crime, or did he do it? No! He's doing jail. They put him jail for trying to solve the mystery? Sean corrects that the main guy is doing jail to find out which one of the other guys is who actually did kill the reporter, and he's on the phone. Sean says it's so obvious if you've listened to the episodes, it isn't such a mystery, who did it was probably somebody who works for the phone. Cause this guy who's doing jail is always has to talk on it. What Hayes found very interesting is that they make a lot of discussion bout how there's no phone outside of the Best Buy, and if you worked for the phone it would be good if people were saying 'Oh there should be a phone outside of that Best Buy!' Then you say 'Oh, I work for the phone, and I'm happy to put a phonethere... you're just going to have to pay me big bucks first!' Follow the money, people!
- This Jay fellow had to borrow other people's phones, don't have his own phone! They made him out to be this evil, anti-phone person. There's a big advertisement that's 'This is a call from: the phone.'
- Then in the headphones.. one can hear these very quiet voices over the entire record (ed. note: one can make out the sounds of the Sklars talking to someone in character, later to be revealed as Sklarbro County). The boys admit that this is subliminal laugh-vertising, so that some people that don't like them (and let's face it, there's a few). Sklarbro County was playing at a very low level throughout the podcast. Some of us may think that this was a mistake that Engineer Cody made, but Hayes assures us that this was something deliberate that they were doing. The idea that he could be stupid that he would be accidentally playing another podcast simultaneously over their record, audibly, that would be pretty crazy. What must have happened was that they intentionally had him playing Sklarbro County playing (if it were 'Country,' they would have been pissed). Also Sean wants more mysteries in their show! Which episode was it, you can't quite hear. Let Hayes know what you thought about Sklarbro County playing and if you think Cody was doing a good job
- Quite frankly, Sean has another Serial theory, and it may me something he shouldn't say in front of engineer C-O-D-Y. Hayes suggests he do a lot of spelling. Jay lives in L-A, and that somebody named Engineer C-O-D-Y also lives in L-A and that maybe the two of them are the ones that strangled that g-i-r-l and put her in the trunk of her c-a-r and buried her in the ground and they're friends with somebody who works for and with the p-h-o-n-e and they did it for a free f-o-n-e that they could get themselves. So think about it! Hayes accuses Cody of turning the volume up very loud there, and that he's trying to be a spier. Cody says he doesn't understand any of this, and that he has been 'earmuffng.' Hayes and Sean congratulate him on the great Old School reference! Oh baby! Vince Vaughn's heyday, brotha! Bring your green hat, we're goin' streakin' baby, and you're my boy blue! Ooo it's so good when it hits your lips, baby! Mmmhmm. Craig Kilborn! The fat guy! Slow-mo voice "You're craaaazy man." Cody starts playing Simon & Garfunkel's "The Sound of Silence." Hayes asks "What is this!?" and Cody explains that it's the scene when he falls in the pool, and then Hayes and Sean do like it. It was very funny.
- As Hayes hypes the guest, Sean asks if Engineer Cody may have saved the show? Sean says they may be recording one of the worst, most dysfunctional episodes they've ever made, the entire intro bit is completely insular. You literally can't enjoy it--at all-- if you haven't heard Serial, it's totally scattershot. And the guest interview is problematic! And Cody, every step of the way, has been doing some of the best, funniest stuff, and Sean thinks in trying to destroy the show he has actually saved it.
Guest Segment Edit
- Sean over the theme: "So, I'm talkin to, Gisele.. Bundchen. And I say 'Where are you from?' and she says 'Rio de Janerio,' and I say 'Sweetie, you gotta change that name, 'cause in this town, there's only one Rio: and that's Rio 2.' The birds. Eisenberg. Eisenbird.' "Yes!" (Pauly laughs at this)
- They have a corker of a guest today: Paul Shore. After being introduced, Pauly explains that it has been a while since he has done anything in the business, he's been away, working the fringe. He says he might now get some of their references and asks them to bear with him. Hayes and Sean are part of a new generation, they're tweeting and Facebooking, and Instagramming
- Pauly didn't see Rio 2, the one with the birds, which Sean admits was going to be the bulk of the interview. Pauly admits he really doesn't know what the show is, Hayes thinks he might be a little scared. Pauly says he wants to hang in there, and doesn't want to leave. Sean says "Oh good!" Pauly wants to be able to contribute.
- Hayes asks where Pauly has been, he says he has been performing for America, the crevasses of America, the tertiary markets. The towns that are so small they just opened a Panera Bread. These people want Pauly to do Son in Law again, except Dumb and Dumber 2 didn't perform. They were all set for Encino Man 2. He had Brendan Frasier and Sean Astin ready to go. So he's back to the tertiary markets
- Hayes asks for Pauly to talk about places like Arkansas, where a newly opened Panera Bread doubles as a library and city hall in those places. They have their wifi set up, lots of start up companies happen in Panera Breads. This, Five Guys, and a Jamba Juice, are all in these smaller markets.
- They have to say 'Hi' to you in a Jamba Juice, and they can't freeze you out. This is a corporate entity, they have to. It's not just because they're friendly. Pauly again explains that he's excited to be on the show and is excited for where it's going to go, Sean hopes he's buckled in tight. Sean thinks it's going to flow, he's feeling the flow, and he feels like he's in it right now.
- Pauly reprimands Cody for looking at his twitter account, he should be focused on them! Hayes says this is a great question to raise, because he's trying to get a twitter account off the ground where he tells different paparazzi when different celebrities are in the studio, or by Arby's, and then when they come out, they're just takin' snaps. Then Cody gets a little piece, by Arby's. Because this account makes it look like a big celeb like Pauly Shore is eatin' Arby's. Cody invited everyone to follow him @findthecelebsneararbys . Pauly has a big laugh at this. Hayes and Sean urge us all to not follow Cody, he's going to be cutting this out if he knows what's going for him. Sean thinks this might be a bad business model, he might want one paparazzi he texts and gets their money for it, rather than tweeting it to the world
- This is a good question, why is he on his computer and fucking around when the Sweet Baby Weasel is here today, SBW. Weaselwolf. Sean wants to fire Cody, but he's Dr. Earwolf's nephew. It's nepotism.
- Hayes suggests doing something with Cody that's fun, that could be a great thing to have Pauly here for. His characters historically have had a lot of interesting names: in In The Army Now he was Bones Conway: which they stole for the hit show Bones. It's a similar character! Pauly says he hasn't seen it, but Sean says he has: he made it! This was with Andy Dick, Pauly thinks he saw him down by Arby's. He's sleeping under the bench! Not even on the bench, under it. He was so funny, dude. He's got to get his shit together. The way he sleeps under there, is so funny. He does a funny snore, a "honk... mi-mi-mi-mi-mi." Like a little cartoon mouse.
- Son in Law had a character named Crawl. It was something about 'crawling out of something.' The father Lane Smith called him different: Crawl, Crotch, Cramp, different, always kind of goofed it off. Hayes and Sean remember Lane Smith, he was a Southern Lawyer in lots of movies. He had some interesting jowls.
- Hayes wonders if Pauly will give Cody a new name: Jock Strap; Jock Hairy Strap. Cody was a high school wrestler. He isn't feeling this one, it's making him mad. What about calling him Rage? Cody thinks this one feels a little closer to home, it feels nice inside. Sean says one time he got so mad he punched the soundboard, broke his hand. The soundboard didn't break, it worked better afterward.
- Sean asks Pauly to name Hayes: Lumber. This works for Sean, and Hayes agrees this is a good name for him because of the wood connotation. Chop wood, carry water. He calls Sean Softy. He's delicate, like a baby kitten. He thinks it's cool! He likes it, he's not thrilled, he's probably going to get beat up because of it, but that was likely to happen regardless
- Pauly says if you do porn sometimes in the early part of your career, because now of Google, sometimes you have to change your name. Sean says he did not do porn in the early part of his career, not professionally. Pauly says Softy would be a great name for a guy in porn, it's an untapped market. Just a guy with a big soft one! And it could be funny, just the dialog between the chick and the porn actor. They do the dialog, and then it's time. When it's too big, there's not enough blood in your body to fill it, to make it not be soft. You need some to be in your brain, some blood. Hayes asks if Pauly could speak on this, and he refuses, wanting to segue way back to Cody's Jockstrap.
- They ask Cody to explain his name 'Jock Strap' it's a little inappropriate, isn't it? Cody says it's rude, it's different. He's an engineer, he deserves a little respect. He's not a jock strap, a strap that goes on a man's groin! Pauly says this is where the power goes, bro! The power lives in the groin, that's why Pauly gave him this name. Pauly says that's where girls like, you like babes, right? Cody says he likes babes and chicks. If you like babes, Sean thinks you would want this name! Cody doesn't think babes would like the name Jock Strap. Hayes reminds him it's Jock Hairy Strap, Cody asks if they're talking about Hairy Babes? Noo, Cody. If he's Jock Shaven Strap..
- Pauly interrupts, wanting to go to a caller. There's nothing fucking happening right now! There's got to be some producer that keeps the show moving. Hayes admits they don't have the technology to take callers. Cody says they totally could, but no one would know to call.
- While Hayes gets the song ready before taking the questions from listeners, Hayes asks Pauly for a story from his acting career. Pauly says this is a lot of pressure, dude, Hayes wants him to full his show with fuckin' content? He can't do this shit, that's a lot of pressure. Hayes asks if he ever saw a famous actress nude. He can't say that! The boys propose him describing seeing a famous actress nude, then they guess who it was, and he quickly agrees.
- Pauly immediately says he saw Jennifer Love Hewitt naked. Hayes and Sean say they will guess what this experience is like, they say it sounds pretty good! Yeah, she was hot, for sure, definitely. The circumstances were that he was filming a movie with her in San Antonio, they were running lines, and she forgot that Pauly was in the living room, and she was coming in to get her panties, and she was all "Oh my god, oh my god!" and then she just sat there. And then she went "oooOOO" and then she ran back in and put her stuff on. And she asked him not to tell anyone he saw it. But enough time has passed, now he can.
- Sean asks what that noise means, he's never heard a woman make that noise. Pauly says it probably means she was into it; that's probably why Sean hasn't heard it. Hayes asks if she was licking her chops? He said yes, pretty much! Hayes finds Tim Treese's Popcorn Gallery Theme Song. Pauly can't hear it initially because he doesn't have his headphones on, so Hayes starts it over for him. Hayes asks what he thinks of the song, and Pauly says that like he said at the beginning of the show, he's not in tune with this kind of comedy. Hayes asks if he thinks it's good? Pauly doesn't know. He doesn't know what the song is for. They each take a couple of shots of trying to explain the segment to him, and he says "I don't understand anything that you just said, I'll just go with it."
- After the first two Popcorn Gallery questions, Pauly inquires about the origin's of Treese's theme song. He asks if they asked their twitter followers for submissions, and that's the one they picked? They explain that the pool was limited, they only had three submissions, and that Tim has a financial stake in the show. It's not Cody, he's more powerful than Cody. This is a guy who donated $300 to the show. This was $300 cash. You kinda have to put the theme on. They didn't actually get the money themselves. You maybe noticed how nice Cody's t-shirt is.
- Cody is asking as if the Sweet Wease isn't even in the studio. He grew up with him, Biodome remember? They demand that Cody tell a story about him growing up with Pauly, where did he see Biodome? Cody recounts how he came home from school, he was at a friend's house, they were really bored and had nothing to do, the put on Pauly Shore is Dead. He was in 10th Grade, and he was stoned! He had to throw that in.
- Paulys asks if the dudes in the studio caught The Pot Barons of Colorado on fuckin' MSN? It's so crazy that pot is legal in CO. Hayes thinks it's great that pot used to be something that only one minority race could profit off of, and now white people can make money off of it too! Pauly confirms that the pot barons are indeed rich white people. But he doesn't want to cause any more riots with African Americans with Ferguson and all. They gotta keep it! They don't want them rioting in front of Arby's with Andy Dick sleeping under the bench! Andy won't be able to catch a wink! Andy needs his sleep, he's resting up for a big comeback.
- After reading Brgrho's name for the Popcorn Gallery, Hayes asks Paul what he thinks of all these internet names. It's become gross!
- Pauly asks Cody where he grow up, he answers Dallas, TX. Then Boston, then Cleveland. He went to school in Boston. Pauly asks about Thaniel Hall? That's a good place. This conversation makes Hayes think that Cody doesn't actually know much about Boston based on how he just said that Cody thinks that Thaniel Hall is just a 'good place.' It's bigger than a good place, and full of history! And lots of killer beer over there.
- Hayes saw Greg Proops at the Comedy Connection once at Thaniel Hall, and to speak on that. He says he's a nice guy, and he always sees him at the airport. He's paying for his children, he's paying for his houses! Which are like his children. This is so he can pay his workers that remodel his home, and rent it for money, so he doesn't have to spend so much on it. The key to life is buy property, then rent it out so you can make money off of it, as far as the financial goes. That's what a lot of people are doing.
- Sean asks Pauly how he feels about authority, cause he's watchin' some of these movies and it seems like he not a fan of it. He would have to say that, they always win! Like that song "I fight authority, authority always wins." John Mellencamp. Cody says he was 28 in 1983 when this came out. Hayes asks if Pauly ever saw John Mellancamp in the buff, and he says yes, him and his supermodel wife. This experience was like he was Naked and Afraid. He was in the woods. This was a good combination for the show, Pauly Shore, John Cougar Mellencamp, and his supermodel wife. And Michelle Ndegeocello if they're lucky. Pauly adds and Softy! What's up bro, and they did a twinkly high five (the wease). Pauly says he gets a little money whenever someone does the wease in the air like this. Kind of like how Elvis gets money any time someone wears a jumpsuit.
- Sean asks what Pauly gets when someone weases the jui-ice? He gets something off of this as well. Hayes says he thinks weasin' the juice is unsanitary and he wishes that people would stop doing this. Sean "OK, grandpa." Sean says it's not cause it's funny, it's because it's free slurpie! That's why they're weasin' the jui-ice. They don't care who does it after them, they're living in the moment. That's sweet grindage. And nugs. Hayes continues trying to drive a wedge between Pauly and Sean, trying to Super Spatch them. Hayes is worried that a kid might get a slurpie as a present for getting good grades, now they're sick. Sean attempts to comfort him by saying that he uses mouthwash before weasin' the jui-ice. Pauly corrects Sean, saying it's not always "The Jui-ice!" with an ascending pitch, like a fuckin' homo, dude. Sean says he knows it's not like a homo. Then Pauly demonstrates the proper way, and Sean asks to try again. It was still a little feminine. Sean says when you're born a Softy, then you stay that way cradle to the grave, it's an unfortunate side of his life
- Pauly says this show was like a knot, in that it tied in at the end. It made everyone feel like it tied up at the end! Makes everyone want to go to Chipote and get a beef bowl.
Recurring Segments Edit
- Popcorn Gallery
- Spunky Foonerism - "Dear Pauly Shore, Can you please just describe the last time you karate chopped someone in anger?"
- Jesus.. do we have to answer that fucking question? Karate chop? He knows he's not serious. Karate chop someone in anger? Grab another one
- Anastasia Vigo - "Dear Mr. Shore, When you were shooting Son in Law, did you get to pick your wardrobe? Also, are you still friends with Carla Gugino?"
- They took Pauly's style, and that style, and mixed it up together, so he doesn't know. They all worked together, him and the wardrobe people. And as far as he and Carla go, no he hasn't talked to her in a long time. She doesn't even have a twitter! He tried to tweet her, and the owner of the account wrote back explaining. It was a squatter, he damn near got catfished! If you're out there Carla, what the fuck, babe! Hit us up. Get on twitter. Pauly did see her on twitter, as did both Hayes and Sean. Sean saw Sin City, and froze it at one particular moment.
- Brgrho - "Mr. Shore: Please describe the intricacies of and motivation behind faking your own death for profit."
- Pauly says that Cody saw the movie, saying it was like 25 years ago! It was 2003, and Cody saw it in 10th grade. Was that whole story a lie? Sean yells that he thinks he's acting like the SBW is not in the studio with him! Super 'Spatch. Hayes forces Cody to speak genuinely how special this is for him: he says he's thrilled.
- Bozos - "Pauly, do you think Tia Carrere is still really hot?"
- Absolutely. She's a cougar now, big time. Sexy. He saw her nude from the backside, the rectum area.
- Spunky Foonerism - "Dear Pauly Shore, Can you please just describe the last time you karate chopped someone in anger?"
- Pro Version - Cody
Recurring Jokes Edit
- Talking to the Engineer - Hayes asks Cody if he heard T Pain sing without autotune. He goes to reply, but nothing is heard through the podcast. He used the sound board but then spoke into a non-functioning microphone. Cody replies that someone switched the channel strip, and Sean chides him for trying to use jargon to confuse him! Hayes suggests it might be Pauly Shore, who was just in the studio (this all takes place in the Pre-Guest Segment)
- Cody plays an episode of Sklarbro County behind a large portion of the intro segment
- Pauly reprimands Cody for being on his twitter during the Guest Segment. Pauly really gets a kick out of including Cody and is addressed and forced to speak very often this whole segment.
- Hamburger Sandwich - Someone bashed in the front windows of Sean's Pontiac Bonneville, and left in the front seat a metal hamburger sandwich. He doesn't know who left this metal hamburger sandwich. The lettuce and ketchup are real, the bun is not metal but it also isn't a bun (he found that out the hard way), the burger part: that's metal. To him? That's a metal hamburger sandwich, and an indeterminable bun.
- Flyover States - Pauly says he has been performing for America, the crevasses of America, the tertiary markets. The towns that are so small they just opened a Panera Bread. The places where if George Clooney and Brad Pitt fly over, they shit on. The people that love Son in Law.
- Speak on That - Hayes asks Pauly to speak on when it's too big, there's not enough blood in your body to fill it, to make it not be soft. You need some to be in your brain, some blood. He refuses. Hayes asks him to speak on Greg Proops. His podcast. His documentary.
- Jamie Kennedy - Pauly saw a girl who used to go out with him nude, Jennifer Love (Hewitt.)
- Mark - while never mentioned by name, the drops he submits get a lot of attention. The first one is a jock strap. The second, the sound drop reveals that there isn't any hair on the Jock Strap, it must be Jock Shaven Strap! Pauly says "Mmm, Not cool Bro! Well! Gotta figure it out! Yeah, he's messin' everything up over there!" The third sound effect, Pauly protests as the sound drop is played that he is going in without his consent! Then Mark pulls out a letter of consent from the Sweet Wease! It's SBW, the Sweet Baby Weasel.
- Sean's Dad - Sean knows his dad makes a killing off of him by renting his basement apartment that he lives in.
- Corker of a Guest
- Earwolfman Jack's nephews, Sean and Hayes, are here to talk to you about the Earwolf store. They record an ad for Earwolf merch. Hayes thinks they have a shirt that says Earwolf, and it has a picture of a pirate ship or a Professor Blastoff. Sean says there's probably a fuckin' hat. www.earwolfstoremerch.com ; Go to the Earwolf Store site, click 'Merch' and then click 'Purchase.' It's divided into sections: Shirts, Hats, Store, Shoes Pants, Merch, Fishin' Gear. And they have the stuff from all the shows you listen to and some of the ones you don't!