"Ross Mathews, Our Close Friend" is the eighty-sixth episode of Hollywood Handbook.

Official Earwolf Page

Earwolf Synopsis[edit | edit source]

Sean and Hayes encounter a new Earwolf engineer and talk about the hot new movies Aloha and San Andreas. Then, ROSS MATHEWS comes by the studio to talk about bagel class with Sean, give Intern Andy advice about interning, and answer Popcorn Gallery questions about working for Jay Lego and an ancient fable.

Notes & Memorable Quotes[edit | edit source]

Pre-Guest Segment[edit | edit source]

  • Hayes, talking over the song: "So Kathy.. Kinney, who was Mimi on, from Drew Carey Show. Uh, she tossed me the shovel and says 'Start digging.' I don't know what I'm supposed to be digging ("Digging for, or what,") or for, yes. I just make a nice hole, finish it. She shoots me, with a gun!" "Oh, my. And did she, what did she think that was gonna do?" "I.. to this day, have no idea. But what happened, it sort of, I did a spin." "Of course! There's a bullet coming at you!" "But the wind of it, it made it so windy, and I was so surprised, that I did fall into the hole, and then I go to sleep. I wake up, I am so dirty. There's dirt all over me, heavy dirt." "From the wind? Just blew it back in, I guess?" "Nobody knows. I haven't spoken to Kathy at this point. I've seen her from my car, and I yell out to her, trying to get her attention. But she, didn't look. She was listening to.. something. I don't know, I didn't hear it, so I don't know what it was. But anyway. So I'm underground. And um, so I made friends with a family of worms, and they created a, kind of straw for me to um, ("Breathe?") yeah, and speak... ("...to the, people walkin' by the woods?") yeah, the, the, the over, the Overlords, is what , is what we call em. " "When you live in the ground, you call humans who walk on the surface of the Earth, the Overlords. ("That's right") And then one of them dig you out."
  • Hayes is back from New York!
  • Sean: "So, um, that. Is. Cool. That you got that call, but even cooler is that we're both here, and we're in the studio, and we're having this fun time talking and seeing you again and I haven't seen you and I miss your fa-ce, bubby!"" I miss your face! And it's so nice that Engineer Cody, so we wouldn't feel uncomfortable, and think that anything has changed somehow in the time while we were away to be covered in poison oak."
  • The new white male, mousey brown-haired engineer makes an entrance to the studio while recording!
  • "There are no pushes." -Freud
  • Hayes is being pissed that the Rotten Tomatoes podcast still put an episode out last week after they annexed it for Wolfcool, so they are doing to Rotten Tomatoes episodes this week
  • Cody was sending an e-mail when Hayes asked who the Rotten Tomatoes hosts are. Bingo and Bongo? Frick and Frack?
  • First Rotten Tomatoes Episode this week: Aloha
    • Sean "Relax, I'm on island time."
    • Hayes hasn't seen it. But he loves island stuff. Oompa Loompas are based on Hawaiian guys
    • There's a real duck that Daffy Duck is based off
    • Coconut water is the perfect nourishment, because it has a banana mixed up in it as well for potassium, so they smish up a banana and it's how it gets so healthy
    • Sean "did see some pieces of this movie, if you don't want to get talked down to: "Aloha to you" and that means 'goodbye,' and if you do want to hear about it: "Aloha to you" and that means 'hello,' and what a fun word."
    • "Krasinski crackles and Stone stuns in Cameron Crowe's epic winning film!" (Note: Cameron Crowe was Hayes and Sean's breakout female star of Sundance 2014 as mentioned in Ep. #017 - Dominic Dierkes, Our Close Friend)
    • Sean has many takes on the movie, all of which are very positive and not at all very very scathing
    • Sean spoils Rachel McAdams's character's 13 year secret no one knew about after spoiler fearing listeners removed their headphone, Hayes hollers to encourage the listener to put their headphones back on after the reveal
    • Sean gives it 88 tomatoes, Hayes gives it 95 tomatoes and one green splat
  • Second Rotten Tomatoes Episode this week: San Andreas
    • Hayes saw it, but it was Avatar
    • Sean thinks it's irresponsible to be so scary. Sean is in California and they're exploding big piece of California with under the earth. It is heavily implied that Sean has some real problems.
    • Sean hasn't been so scared with something that was supposed to be fun since The Invisible Man. This was supposed to be fun because Dwayne Rock Johnson. Thought they might go to church and have a picnic, splash around in the holy water
    • Religion is the cause of most wars in the country and has killed more people than every major disease.
    • Sean gives it, based on the cast, 100 tomatoes, but based on how scary it was, maybe 2 or 3 tomatoes, and 16 green splats. Hayes gives San Andreas 90 special glowing blue tomatoes with the little wispy parts that tangle into each other and now you're bound to the tomato and you can control it

Guest Segment[edit | edit source]

  • Sean talking over the song: A cork was pushed all the way into a bottle, Picabo Street sucked the cork all the way out and spit it onto a dartboard across the room, almost a bullseye!
  • Ross shook Cody's hand and he didn't warn him about the poison oak beforehand (get it, 'beforehand'? just a little joke from your wiki editor)
  • Ross can do that cork thing! The secret is you gotta believe.
  • Ross saved time by dropping the extra 't' from Mathews
  • Ross and Sean met each other in Larry King's Bagels at Home class. Sean didn't pass the class, despite being one of the more artistic members, but Ross texted him the tips they shared in the class afterwards
  • Sean: "Wanna feel old? Yeah. We used to not use Periscope!" (second dang reference to Ep. #017 -Dominic Dierkes, Our Close Friend)
  • Hayes, on Ross's Periscope viewers coming to meet him while playing trivia at a bar: "...And that's desirable?"

    Selection from the Breakfast, Brunch, and Lunch Menu at Norma's at the Parker

  • Discussions about Palm Springs! Ross just sold a house that was four houses down from the Sinatra estate. Ross goes to Norma's at the Parker! He gets the breakfast quesadilla, Sean gets the shrimp frittata. Sean says if it isn't on the menu, you can say he said to make it for you (but as of this recording, it is on the menu--see pic). You can also drop his name to have a few rounds on the bocce court.
  • Ross's podcast is like Dr. Laura but less horrible (100% less). But he still listens because he likes people that are opinionated
  • Sean and Hayes are opinionated: Won't take a stance on racism, not a black and white issue. Won't take a stance on homophobia! Doesn't like to touch on this. Think little people should get to get married! Why not, doesn't hurt anyone! Hayes occaisionally Periscopes into little peoples' bedrooms. "What an open minded show!" - Ross
  • "Minds are like parachutes, they only function when 'open.'" -a sign in Sean's math class when he was young
  • Since Ross was an intern, Sean and Hayes have invited intern Andy Kneis to get some lessons on being good intern. Andy didn't write down all of his questions and said they were "all internal." Hayes really wonders if this was a joke! If Andy had shown up to the Lego set with hair and clothing like he did, he would have been punished, although Ross doesn't know how because he wouldn't dare
  • Andy's questions for Ross:
    • "Well, one thing I was curious about, um, I know that that you really like, stood out to Jay, and that you really like, you know, he-he saw potential in you. Do you think that will be a problem that I have a lot less energy, and I'm a lot less articulate, and I have, you know, I'm just not as, like, uh, magnetic as you are?"
    • "OK, um. What-what exactly is wrong with this shirt?"
    • "Well I've been, I've been interning here for about a, a year now, and I haven't actually done any work, so far, I haven't done anything. Is that normal for interns or should I be doing something?"
  • Andy listed "Limbs" under "Special Skills" on his C.V.
  • Andy gets to interview Gwyneth Paltrow (as Ross plays her). Andy is very horny towards Gwyneth, even though Ross isn't Gwyneth. He has a very randy energy.
  • And Morgan Freeman. Again with the obscene subtext. He was slowly slipping his hand under his belt buckle, producing floating spit bubbles, and his free hand became white knuckled as he gripped the table.
  • The NBC Commissary was next to the Days of our Lives set. Ross would get the food named after him, "The Ross" which was pork used five different ways:
    1. Bacon
    2. Pork Belly
    3. Pork Shoulder
    4. Ground hoof
    5. Chicharon

All in a whole-wheat wrap (so it's healthy), with some sprouts and veganaise

  • Hayes is a bit of a raconteur and likes to spin tales
  • Ross brought his girlfriend into the studio, like a typical model she doesn't like to talk. The sound of their own voice frightens them since they're used to taking pictures. She made Andy have a really horny mood
  • Hayes can't let Andy know about money, he doesn't know that it exists. Ross plays his employees with the gift of his presence and a chair, and when they're good, he gives them pine cones!
  • Andy on Ross's podcast "Alright everybody, check out Talking Straight, with Ross Mathews at talkingstraight.com and on iTunes! And make sure to give it 5 stars and a good review! Thanks for listening..." (it is actually Straight Talk, and it's free, doesn't cost any podcasts)
  • Ross "Do you guys validate?" Sean "Oooh, you're gonna hate this answer..."

Recurring Segments[edit | edit source]

  • Popcorn Gallery - Andy does a not-bad rendition of the Popcorn Gallery theme.
    1. nohorseman - "Hi Ross, you were a restaurant patron on Days of our Lives. What was crafty like on that set?"
      1. (He said it was a good question) No food, they didn't eat. They had to act like they were eating even though they didn't have food. Not everyone can do this! Like trying to move a breadstick to the side of one's head like you're munching it, but without the breadstick.
    2. Houston - "If the Emperor's New Clothes was retold in modern-day Hollyweird, who would you cast as the emperor?"
      1. Nathan Lane. A triple threat.
    3. Jacob C - "Ross, what kind of lacquer did you use to get that sheen on Jay Lego's chin? And, was it the same kind of lacquer you used on his cars and butt?"
      1. Plain old Turtle wax on the cars. He never touched the man!
  • Pro Version - SteveH - he gets a new intern! And Ross gives him some child rearing tips -- "You know, don't reward bad behavior. When they're having a hissy-fit, just let them scream it out. It will get better."

Recurring Jokes[edit | edit source]

  • Talking to the Engineer - Cody is covered with poison oak.
  • Too Scary - San Andreas, and The Invisible Man were too scary
  • Sgt. Sean's Loot Crate Now known as Dread Capt. Sean's Booty Crate. Sgt. Sean is now a pirate. This is something completely separate from Loot Crate. The Booty Crate comes with Wayfarer style sunglasses with faded lettering on the side, an M and a J. Sean went through a similar legal battle with Ronald McSean-ald's McDonald's. He would roll a cart up into the McDonald's parking lot and say forget those hamburgers and try this baby carrot or whatever he had found.
  • Doing a Scene - Andy gets to interview Ross playing Gwyneth Paltrow, Morgan Freeman. He is very horny towards the both
  • Mark - Ross gets to hear who does the flawless sound drops for the Popcorn Gallery. He told everyone how Andy tipped a pine cone at his last haircut
  • Nerds - S&H are gadget freaks. Hayes has the extra big Apple Watch with the keyboard, and Sean has the medium-sized one
  • Wife and Kids - Sean uses anger to get home quicker and hang out with Steffi and the kids.
  • Show Won't Take a Stance -Won't take a stance on racism, not a black and white issue. Won't take a stance on homophobia! Doesn't like to touch on this.

Ads[edit | edit source]

  • Loot Crate, now w/ Dread Capt. Sean's Booty Crate
  • Donor Shout-outs - As Boner Shout-Outs. Tim Treese was a boner and bonated $300; the listeners were invited to imagine Tim as a rich boner with a monocle and top-hat, like Mr. Peanut but he's Mr. Peeny. Spenny and the Jets bonated $100, please imagine a middle-class boner with a blue shirt and white collar.
  • Loot Crate again - Sean says "Boooo!" but actually he was reading a comic about ghosts, and was frightened into reading aloud. "Hisss!" a snake bit the ghost. E-mail Andy and he will give you directions to a locker where Sean is constantly putting new shit in that locker location all the time, new stuff, new booty, new loot

Episode Photos[edit | edit source]

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