"Sinbad, Our Close Friend" is the forty-second episode of Hollywood Handbook.
Earwolf Synopsis Edit
Hayes and Sean are pissed about how the new movie Boyhood ripped off their long-time project Engineer Cody Boy and they assist a fan that wrote in asking for relationship help. Then, SINBAD is in the studio with his daughter and dog to discuss being taken by aliens, his feelings on selfies, what it was like to invent comedy, and he takes us behind the scenes of Jingle All the Way. Finally, the guys talk about their beef with Kel and the Popcorn Gallery asks Sinbad about mustaches, handshakes, death, and more!
Notes & Memorable Quotes Edit
Pre-Guest Segment Edit
- Sean over the theme: "So, I'm watching this Ray Donovan and the guy's solving everything! I mean, he's fixing all these problems. And I'm like: 'This dude's incredible!' You know? So I look him up: he's Pablo Schreiber's brother! Did you have any idea? Porn Stache! He's Porn Stache's brother! Yes! Unbelievable! So no wonder I like him, it's genetic!"
- While Hayes and Sean love movies, they don't love all of them. However you eventually you get to a point in your life where you're immune to being T'd off and disappointed. Sean goes on to say he's financially comfortable, his apartment's shaping up great, he's getting along with his dad, he's not grounded, it gets to the point you start to think gosh! everything's going swimmingly. Steffie's looking good lately, everything's swimming, and he doesn't get shaken to the core by a movie anymore. Hayes feels the same way, you start to think that everything in your life is going so well nothing can bother you anymore.
- When a relationship is going well it starts to feel like a healthy dose of medicine mainligned straight into that one big vein into your wiener
- Boyhood is the movie Hayes and Sean are going to talk about. Ricky Linklater is a sweet kid so Sean and Hayes thought... They've talked to him before, at the premier of Drop Dead Fred. Hayes and Sean were telling him about this movie they were doing where they follow this baby around where they film him for like 25 minutes a day. The baby they filmed was actually Engineer Cody, they staked out the hospital for some parents who looked like they really need some dough ray mi, and they asked if they could film this kid no holds barred. So now they have footage from this kid, around 18 minutes a day. Engineer Cody Boy was the name of this project and they were excited about this project for a long time. They kept the project in the second act lo for 20-21 years and then they bumped into Ricky again at the premier of the movie about the machines... Planes 2: Fire and Rescue (so funny). So they're hanging around with dude, and they're thinking that they are probably gonna have to hold onto this footage for like 30 years for an actual story to happen or for something actually interesting to happen to Cody. Not necessarily something bad, but that would be more interesting.
- This motherfucker has 9 lives, too: he's walking underneath a piano that's being pulled up on a rickety pulley system, he's pinballing off cars every time he crosses the street, his broken arm was from a plane crash, which was crashing into a train! Hayes as Cody "My arm's broken! My aaaaaarrrrm!"
- So Hayes and Sean tell Ricky that they're having trouble, and he's like "Have you thought of doing just 12 years?" and winks. He lets out this movie Boyhood and it's 12 years of just some kid who's not even an engineer or anything!! And it's false advertising too, when he was a kid you never even saw his 'boyhood,' you don't see his little thing! With Engineer Cody Boy you were gonna see the whole package, whatever this is to see. It's part of the story to watch them grow! And it's crazy too Cody's thing doesn't grow out necessarily but it grows more up, and then around. It grows kinda like a gross fingernail, from the world record things, it's curved kinda like an elf's shoe. It's like a Fibonacci sequence, the golden ratio. It was gonna be a hell of a film, but this dude scooped Hayes and Sean's film and only did 12 years with some fuckin' drip, this kid's really not an engineer or anything! Sean doesn't understand how it's movie.
- Hayes mentions it would be SUCH classic Cody to die now, just as soon as they look away he'd then die. He'd trip on a rollerskate or something funny and it would be perfect and Hayes and Sean wouldn't see it
- Hayes and Sean do some donor shout-outs. Ariela Feller donated 200 bucks, and it's some funny cowboy name, so Hayes thanks her in a cowboy voice. John Goodman also donated, but it was a disappointing amount of only 100 bucks, Sean says tanks but no tanks (callback to The Reality Show Show) for that because he knows John has money out the wazoo.
- Hayes and Sean also received a letter from a girl named Jenna Kazinskis, Kukinsis (unpronounceable last name, despite many attempts. The hardest name.). Says she's a big fan of the podcast, and she loves their shit, and at the same time her ex-boyfriend is a really big fan of the show. She's asking Hayes and Sean that her ex-boyfriend should get back together with her. Sean tells this ex of hers to get back together with her, marry her and give her a normal last name, cause this thing is driving him fuckin' batty. It's the most k'bonkos thing (maybe that's how it's pronounced!). Even if you want to split up with her after you marry her that's fine, but get her out of her situation for now. (this all counts as an ad, so she's gonna owe Hayes and Sean 1-2 payments for the ad space. If you do two it's gonna be double the amount of money). Sean says 'ugxactly' very frequently during this bullet point
Guest Segment Edit
- Sean talking over the theme: "So Kyle Chandler is like 'Why are you so upset?' I'm like, 'You know why I'm upset Kyle, you said Tom from Saving Private Ryan was coming!' Said 'Well he did!' and I said, 'You KNOW I fucking meant Sizemore! I don't want to hang with Hanks, I don't want to hang with Hanks, no offense Hanks.' And Hanks gets it, he wasn't offended."
- Sinbad talks about how back in the day he would wear nehru collars on a nice shirt, because he refused to wear ties, so he'd wear nehru. Everybody who would see Sinbad in this shirt with a nehru collar wouldn't say anything to him, and that's how he knew he made it. There's no better feeling than knowing you made people mad, but they won't say anything about it
- They key to being an entertainer is to constantly test your power in Hollywood. That's the key to being an entertainer and moving up to being a star. You can be a nice person and you don't get jack. You'll never get free parking or a dressing room because everyone will just say 'oh no he's cool he doesn't need a dressing room' You gotta tear a place up. Don't be cool. You gotta seem like an alien, where nobody knows understands you're talking about. Like Mork. Sinbad has been taken up on a spaceship. He actually has his high school diploma, making up unique among alien abductees. The aliens chill, have a lot of arms, play a lot of ping pong. You can't beat them at video games though! They still play Madden 2005. They have to make their video games out of a meteor or something
- Hayes, Sean, and Sinbad discuss how spoiled everyone in this generation is. What with the selfies and the trophies for anything, back in the day you used to have to carve selfies onto cave walls. Your Instagram back then was a tree, and you'd have to bring people to your Instagram, now you just send it to people. You couldn't carry a camera with you in the 70's, you'd look like a doofus. You'd have to unfold the tripod and put the black hood over your head, and you could even die of the magnesium fumes. It was very dangerous to take a party photo back then.
- Sinbad talks about how grown men shouldn't take selfies, he's had many bad experiences with them. He goes on to talk about how bad it is to be a selfie professional nowadays and you gotta constantly lie and go 'Oh I usually don't do this!' or else you come off as a weirdo. You can't pull out the selfie rod either, you come off as too prepared. Sean then goes on to say he actually has a whole selfie lighting kit in his backpack he travels with. It's gotta look good, it's all part of Sean's brand. Sean tells him it's okay to disagree, but Sinbad tells Sean he's wrong, and pulling out a selfie light kit will put you in jail for 3 years no probation
- Sinbad invented comedy, Sinbad was really the first ever to do stand-up. There were others who would do stand-up in front of Sinbad but he pretty much invented it, they didn't have a name for it. Some audience members would laugh but not really know what was happening to them, they'd say that dude was funny, and Sinbad would have to tell them well, he's a comedian. It eventually caught on, and now everyone's doing it! Hayes makes a metaphor that Electricity was around before Ben Franklin was around, but Sinbad corrects him not to say Ben Franklin but Sinbad. Ben Franklin actually thought that the key was electricity, and kept taking it places, and once Ben Franklin was dead, Sinbad was reading some of his papers and thought, well now we can harness this. Even Tesla's grandson kept talking stupid, and Sinbad gave him the idea to build a car, he never thought it was gonna happen.
- Hayes asks if Sinbad regrets not licensing the things like comedy, electricity, and cars, and Sinbad mentions it's not all about the money, but he wishes he'd have some acknowledgement. Sinbad also actually came up with the idea for an elevator that goes both up and down, before that it only went up and you'd have to take the steps back down, it was a one time use. Back then people had to really value their elevator use, now they take it for granted
- Sinbad talks about how frustrating it could be at times when someone used the elevator the wrong way and he would just want to punch them. He couldn't though not when the lights were on, he could be identified that way. Sinbad didn't want to talk about what he would do, because it could incriminate him, but for instance someone else who wants to punch someone in the elevator would simply flip the flicker switch. The switch was always behind a panel that would read do not open this panel, and Sinbad couldn't live by those rules, he'd always open that panel, because there's obviously something in there they need.
- Hayes asks what happens if there's a sign that tells him to do something, like a stop sign. Sinbad talks about how back in the day it never used to say 'stop,' it was a very Zen-type sign, it would be an octagon, and it would just be like saying, there's 8 ways to go, 8 parts of our body, 8 chakras. So if you felt like something was coming, stop, but if not -- go. But once they put the words stop on there you just think 'Damn, that's kindda.. right at me' so why even have it as an octagon anymore? might as was well make it round.
- Once Hayes and Sean brought up Cards Against Humanity Sinbad jumps in to criticize how dumb it is to pay for a spot and then not run an add. Sinbad's advice is to let them waste their money and give money to the show, but Hayes again mentions how scary it is.
- Hayes begins to say "Sinbad we've never done this before so we'd like to..." and Sinbad cuts him off saying, that anytime someone says they've never done something they've done it a bunch of times. Hayes refers him to listen to the tape to see that they haven't but then Sean even jumps in to say that it's self explanatory that something has never been done you let that speak for itself. Hayes corrects himself and says "Sinbad, we've done this a bunch of times, every time" and Sean then corrects him saying that's an overstatement, and Sinbad tells him that's sarcasm
- Hayes introduces Sinbad's daughter, she comes on and demonstrates her radio voice, and her dog, Peanut. Peanut can't speak as a protest, until all dogs will be leash free. His political move is to leave a package behind
- Paige talks about how ripped Hayes and Sean are and that Hayes has teardrop tattoos around one eye. Hayes mentions it's actually a Calvin tattoo where he's peeing and on the other side it's a chocolate chip, Sinbad, Paige, and Sean tell him whatever he does do not tell anyone it's a chocolate chip tattoo if he goes to jail. "Dude? You don't want them to know it's a chocolate chip." Hayes could get it removed before going to jail, because white people get notice. Black people get tricked into going to jail, they'll tell them it's like going to Six Flags.
- Nothing worse than when an engineer starts pushin' their volume up, it's always funny how they always think they have something to say, but that's a delusion, a mental condition.
- Since Paige's dog Peanut can't speak Hayes and Sean asked Paige to rub him against the mic to make some noise instead. He's getting a goood itchy.
- Sinbad is angry that Hayes and Sean don't watch True Blood, since they don't know about True Death, and threatens to walk out if they don't watch it. Hayes and Sean assure him that they have as they discuss the last episode. Sinbad asks what kind of man doesn't watch True Blood, and Hayes and Sean don't know but probably someone like Engineer Brett, if only he could talk they could find out.
- Hollywood Handbook doesn't have the tape budget that Jimmy Pardo's Never Not Funny does
- Hayes mentions 70's tape, and he promised Sean he wouldn't do that! Not only does Hayes not give Sean credit but apparently doesn't even listen to him. Hayes gets depressed and asks Sinbad to say something nice about him. Sinbad mentions how coming onto the podcast changed his life. Hayes thanks him saying it did change his life
Recurring Segments Edit
- Who Framed Roger Rapid Fire Questions - Sinbad drops some goss' on people he worked with over the years. A segment to ask Sinbad about the past people he was worked with. Sinbad mentions he knew when dope was legalized in Denver this would happen -- people would come up with great titles to segments
- Arnold Schwarzenegger - When Sinbad met Arnold he was so weak, Sinbad told him he needed to train, he came up with some fake Austrian accent, his real name is Arnold Stevenson and he was from Cleveland. Arnold and Sinbad worked on a movie together that needed to be shot in Minnesota because of all the snow, and it was the first early spring thaw in history there was no snow. It was 175 degrees outside, and everyone was wearing coats, no snow, it was cotton, everyone was dying out there. Sinbad's character had a hat with water in it and the water was boiling in the helmet because it was so hot. Hayes mentions this movie was First Kid, and Sinbad corrects him telling him this movie was Jingle All the Way. It should have been named Get Toy First, to explain what happens in the movie in the title. Maybe it could be called Jingle All the Way if they had a janitor's keyring and jingled it as he moves
- Brandy - Sinbad thinks at first that they're talking about a person but quickly realizes they were just talking about the drink. Sinbad discusses the program he used to quit drinkin'. All the characters in FRIENDS were method actors and became alcoholics to match the subtext of all the characters
- Kenan - Sinbad starts to talk about both Kenan and Kel but Hayes cuts him off and tells him just Kenan, they've been down the road with Kel already and they have beef. Sinbad wants to know about the beef. Apparently when Hayes and Sean started Hollywood Handbook, ten minutes later another podcast called Kel's Hollywood Handbook showed up. Sinbad tells them that his came out first, and back when he worked on Goodburger he had an actual Handbook that he would take notes about Hollywood with. Sinbad warned him that he needed to make that a show before two white guys did and Sean corrects him telling him he's One-Eighth Native American from the Indian head tribe. Hayes and Sean feel bad about the Kel situation now because they ruined him with podcast copyright laws, he now has to throw orange soda parties. Sinbad says he might jack them up if Kel asked him too, and he's surprised Kenan didn't do the same. Kenan spent some time on the Shaolin temple. But Sean and Hayes have had a real rough and tumble past. They have practical strength, not those glamour muscles. The punching muscles.
- Popcorn Gallery - Sean pours water right when Tim's theme plays, and Sinbad is very complimentary of this maneuver
- Showshowbro - "Sinbad, why can some of the guys grow mustache and I can't?"
- You don't have hair. He goes on to say if these things are troubling you you're never gonna get a woman and you're not gonna get a family
- Greggy - "Sinbad, did Ed McMahon have a firm handshake?"
- Only if he used his right hand not his left.
- Toby Keith Sweat - "Sinbad, both parts of your name are scary: 'Sin' and 'Bad,' what's the deal?"
- His middle name is Handsome, so he had to drop it out, his middle name is inside the middle of his first name
- Agata - "Sinbad, what happens when you die?"
- Sinbad has actually died twice, so if you're blessed enough to die, you can start over your social media.
- Showshowbro - "Sinbad, why can some of the guys grow mustache and I can't?"
- Pro Version - Toogs - he's the new guy who posted a question right at the end. Prize: Home visit from Sinbad, as well as Sinbad telling him how he truly feels about Dan Aykroyd: Aykroyd actually did Canadian ballet which was stripping, and it was really traumatizing to have a naked man doing that while filming a movie
Recurring Jokes Edit
- Sean's Dad - Sean states early in the episode that he's getting along with his dad, and he's not grounded
- Wife and Kids - Sean mentions early in the episode that Steffi is looking good lately. Hayes mentions his relationship is going well too
- Coo coo - Letter author Jenna's last name is k'bonkos-- that might even be how it's pronounced!
- Talking to the Engineer - Hayes and Sean ask Cody about how they are able to receive payments in checks for the free ad space for Jenna's letter, and Cody says he doesn't know how. Hayes and Sean then remark maybe Ricky actually did them a favor by stealing their idea, there's something about his voice that makes them realize they can't imagine anyone wanting to sit in a room hearing this voice. It sucks! (Sean is sorry for cursing) It's sucky!
- Hayes asks Engineer Brett to turn his sound up please and Brett responds with 'Oh' Hayes and Sinbad both correct him to not respond vocally, and just to do it. He'll know he can do it if he just does it
- Scoop Troop - Get out your pens! Hayes and Sean have a blockbuster guest, and they're really gonna teach everyone something today. Stuff about Hollywood and entertainment. Stretch your hand out because you're gonna do a decent amount of writing
- "Sean should stop being so humble about your inherent musicality"
- Sean mentions to the Scoop Troop that even he can learn, after Sinbad gives him a lesson on taking credit for things that he clearly did and quit being so humble
- Speak on That - Sinbad comes onto the show and immediately is saying he's gonna be dropping knowledge, and his dropping knowledge tour Hayes asked him to speak on that about his dropping knowledge tour. Sinbad replies 'Speak'
- Hayes asks Sinbad to speak on what sarcasm is. That's why most marriages and relationships fail, and in fact sarcasm is the reason for most wars. They didn't have j/k and emoticons back then
- Hayes asks Paige to speak on that after Paige mentions there sounded like there was a lot of pain in Showshowbro's question in the Popcorn Gallery. Paige feels like he really wants to know why he can't grow a mustache and Sinbad is his last resort. Sinbad mentions how his daughter went too far and too deep with that answer. Sinbad called his daughter a woman, and it was a big step for them what a nice moment
- Paige mentions how middle names work and Hayes asks her to speak on that. Paige goes on to say that she said it's like a pause in the middle of your name. Paige does an accent and Hayes and Sean were blown away by how great it was
- Everyone Gets a Trophy - this generation is lazy because of this fact
- Italy - Everyone talks about how Lindsay Lohan wanted to go to Italy to get away from the paparazzi, but little did she know the paparazzi came from Italy, from pizza in fact
- Too Scary - Sean remembers when comedy was really catching on how scary it was because nobody knew what was going on
- Hayes, Sean, and Sinbad talk more about how dumb it is for Cards Against Humanity to purchase ad space and not run an ad, it's scary to Hayes
- Politics - Sinbad talks about how Reagan messed everything up, and sometimes people forget that he was a republican. That's not to say if he was democrat and black he wouldn't have messed up, but he was a white republican and he did mess up. Hayes thanks Sinbad for being so brave and reminding people that Reagan was republican, it takes a lot to come on here and say that. Sean knows they'll take some flak for it, so he makes sure to clarify that it's Sinbad saying that kinda stuff not them. Hayes and Sean don't want to lose their sponsorship due to Sinbad, so they apologize to Sparkbox, and even Cards Against Humanity even though they've had their differences
- Sean tells Sinbad yet again that it's not the place for this show to get political when he brings up Paiges dog's political views
- Show Won't Take a Stance - the boys won't say whether Reagan was a Republican or not.
- Controversial Sean - Sean mentions that at least back in Reagan's era people knew how to run a business back then, and Sinbad quickly criticizes Sean for bringing up such a political topic. Sinbad thinks Brian Regan is a great comic. That's Sean speaking as a person and not as a host of the show. Sean claims he was asleep and just woke up
- One Eighth Native American - Sean corrects Sinbad and tells him he's not just a white guy he's one eighth Native American, specifically the Indian head tribe. Indians loove the earth
- Mark - Sean and Hayes explain to Sinbad that the sound effect was from Sean's friend from high school because Sinbad was going to criticize the sound drop. Sinbad mentions how alike Sean and Mark sound to each other but Sean doesn't hear it
- Cards Against Humanity - They asked them not to read an ad.. again. Well, OK. They thought about this, after the last three weeks, if they did it again, they wouldn't be scared, or mad. Sean decides to use this space to promote a company that actually does give an 'f' about sticking around tomorrow, and the next day. It's a little attachment for the tip of your garden hose, that makes the stream shoot out in the shape of a star! It's called "Star Shower," it was Sean's idea, Hayes said he loves it. Hayes wanted to make one big enough to put on a fire hydrant! It's a great product that could be fun for your plants to feel like it's night time and the stars are shining on them in water shape when it's light!
- Sparkbox is a box full of toys, but many people think it's a box full of weed because of it's name. People have this crazy look in their eyes as if they want it to be weed. Hayes and Sean warn people that this box is a box full of toys for little kids 4 years or younger, you can't smoke the toys and send them back. If you're an adult you can play with the toys too, but don't burn the toy trying to smoke the toys! Use code Hollywood to get 50% off the first month. and remember it's not a weed thing.