"Zach Gilford, Our Close Friend" is the twenty-eighth episode of Hollywood Handbook.

Official Earwolf Page

Earwolf Synopsis Edit

The Hollywood Handbook guys start off with some tips on how to pitch a movie in the segment “Pitch Perfectly”, with topics like writing yourself into scripts and classic beach pranks. Then ZACH GILFORD from Friday Night Lights shows up to complain about how annoying film crews are, the dynamics of working with your wife, and the Popcorn Gallery is back again to ask more important questions about Taylor Swift and starving children.

Notes and Memorable Quotes Edit

Pre Guest SegmentEdit

  • Hayes talking over the theme: So Martha Plimpton and I are walking out of the Movies Bistro holding hands... and all the camera guys are going like "AH! are you guys like friggin' doing it?!" And I'm like 'No man... Neither one of us wants to let go of the last breadstick." The breadsticks there are, amazeballs. Unreal.

Guest SegmentEdit

  • Sean talking over the theme: So I'm in Dash with Sarah Michelle Gellar, and she turns over one of the tags and there's no price and she goes 'Oh I guess it's free' and Chloe's like no it's actually really expensive and we were like, we fucking know that we're fucking joking and I bought it. Chloe.. Sevigny.
  • Up until this point Sean and Hayes had many actors who could make you laugh and do comedy jokes and stuff... those were called comedians, who do comedy jokes, but this guest is one that can make you cry or act sad, or scared and even act very brave on screen. Zach Gilford star of Friday Night Lights, and the Mob Doctor, and Purge Anarchy is one of those.
    • Zach quickly clarifies that just because he can do those things he can also make people laugh
  • Zach is allowed to curse. 
  • Hangover 3 was a piece of shit. A cunt. They told Hayes and Sean that Zach G. was involved, they assumed they could figure out there. Then some fucking toad showed up. Gilford was doing the Mob Doctor
  • Zach gives a little insider tip to wear baggy clothes when acting that way you don't show sweat as much. Keep a tiny hand-held fan in there 
  • Everyone in the studio bashes sound engineers and film guys behind the scenes, since they don't do the hard acting work, they just make the beeps and boops behind the scenes
  • Purge: Anarchy comes out in July. Zach is married to a girl that he was in movie with, Keeley. Hayes asks what it's like going home to that, and Zach mentions that it's really tough, whether it's something good/bad she did in or out of character and he has to sometimes pretend she's in character to play along with how she's feeling vs the character
  • Contrary to what Sean and Hayes thought Zach kept the marriage going in real life even after movie. 
  • Zach isn't actually a football player, he's good enough but decided to be an actor instead, but what he does is even harder because he has to act while throwing a football (note: for more movies football, check out Ep. #021 - Nick Thune, Our Close Friend)
    • The worst is when Zach throws a perfect spiral but some dickhead didn't turn some knob the right way and the shot was out of focus. 
  • Zach can pretend like he's eating by pretending like the food is going into his mouth but it's just going behind, and he throws it on the floor
  • They guys talk about juicing and how Zach is really a juiceaholic. Hayes loves orange juice. Sean mentions that while he does juice he hasn't made it to orange juice yet. He's working his way through all the fruits and vegetables alphabetically, and just hasn't made it to oranges yet he's a bit stuck on K
  • Tim Treese gets a quick shout-out for donating $300 to the show this week. Which is a really big deal for someone like him, who probably had to go around his town with a bucket so people could drop change in there. Zach relates it to a church collecting money and Sean quickly interrupts saying he's an atheist and god isn't real. Hayes tells Sean to be quiet in an attempt to not alienate their fans, and Sean keeps trying talk about his atheism. He blames many of the wars on religion.
    • After Tim Treese's question Sean brings up religion again, and Hayes yells at Sean reminding him the show is hanging by a thread! Zach is thrown off by this, and Sean quickly clarfies that Hayes is just having a joke. 
  • ​Hayes mentions he thinks all animals should be dead. The only real thing setting us back is we can't freeze the meat that long
  • For Zach's music he can just put on that big mouse head... oh shit. Hayes may have let something slip here.

Recurring Segments Edit

  • Pitch Perfectly - When you have the oppurtunity to pitch a movie to a Hayes, or a Sean, or a Spielberg, or Vince Vaughan, or to an Owen Wilson, a Luke Wilson, an Andrew Wilson
    • A very common HUGE amateur mistake when pitching a movie, is to not pitch yourself in the movie. Hayes did a facepalm after a big meeting, or Sean still in slipper socks right after moving here.
      • to give an example let's say you're some nobody like... an Engineer Sam or some loser and you're at a luncheonette and you meet someone who's charming and famous... Like maybe Ian Somerhalder. And you're with Ian and you think, Ian should be in movies! So the next day at your pitch you say you want to write something for Ian where he's like the guy who invents Gatorade or something. And they love it! but then you realize... I should have wrote a movie for Ian Somerhalder... AND ME! 
      • For The Descendants, Hayes and Sean would have pitched that George Clooney is an attorney.. but you never see him! That's in the background. Meanwhile! The two of them are friggin' layin' out on the beach. Chillin', sippin out of half a coconut. Snappin' thongs. Straight up sharkin' girls. Splashin' around. The other coconut is kind of hangin' off their ding-dongs as they're doin' beach pranks: sand in the drinks, sand in the food, all the famous beach pranks. Crankin' up a Sea-doo and being like (motor sounds!) and hittin' a wave and gettin' air and bein' like "Whoooaah!" and as soon as it looks like you're wiping out, do a flip and you're fine and splash the nerd and he's like "Myyy glassss-ess!" Shailene Woodley is still there, and she's their girlfriend, and is really down-to-earth and chill but she like knows how to like be sort of a freak sometimes. But at the same time, there is a more traditionally hot girl who wants them, and they're boning her, and the whole time going like "But isn't our conversations with Shailene even better? And can we have it all?" What's so chill about Shailene as a girlfriend that she like understands that like for them to be able to experiment and stuff, it actually makes their bond a little stronger with her. They can appreciate when Sean was boning that traditionally hot girl they had literally nothing to talk about. That's to Shailene's benefit. Do the boning and not have to worry about it so much anymore. They're not all boned out after that one girl, they still have something for Shailene, and that's a really important message. It really gives you something to think about when you're boning your chill, down-to-earth girlfriend, to think about some other girl who you've boned recently. Then Clooney pops up with Hayes and Sean after the credits.
      • You wouldn't pitch your idea in Shark Tank as someone else, or you wouldn't pitch your idea to Starbucks as Mr. Starbuck
    • Sean says when you pitch your movie, you should just think of your favorite movie, and give a one line pitch of the movie
      • Using Hugo as an example: Some no-named fuckin' kid's doing some weird time travel bullshit and Scorsese's like, you know... takin' a nap. So you picture that and you go, you don't want to use that as the pitch, but what can I add to that one line pitch to make it better? so you go, "Some bullshit ass fuckin no-named kid who's never gonna do jack shit is doing some time travel thing or whatever in 3D... And I'm there, I'm like his little friend, I'm walking on my knees with like shoes on my knees so I'm like a little kid too, but I'm like sorta horny?" "And I'm so horny and so small that like when I wind up like, we're leanin' over the balcony, and I land in some chick's bazongas. I'm so small that the way they can do it with technology now, that it looks like the bazongas are the size of me! And that's a playground to me." The robot shows up and writes books or some boring bullshit, and Hayes and Sean show up and turn it into a fingering machine. Sean jams a screwdriver in the back, twists it, and says "This should be a little bit more fun." Slips his shades down from of his forehead, sits back, and watches. He's fingerin' whoever. An old lady, the prime minister's butt, Chloë Moretz.
  • Popcorn Gallery
    1. Matt Cameron - "Zach, if you could work for any director how much money would you want to get paid?"
      • It's so hard to put a price on those type of thing. Zach asks if Hayes and Sean have talked to thier listerners about quotes, and they briefly explain what quotes are. Not just Winston Churchill quotes or Chuck Norris facts. 
    2. Tim Treese -  "Zach, what training did you have to do to be a soldier in the Tailor Swift music video?"
      • Taylor had an actual soldier come in and make sure Zachs uniform and looks were in check. Taylor hired him in what's called second position-- doggy style? That's the second most popular position in Sean's house. The most popular is upside-down (sixty-nining).
    3. Showshowbro - "What's up seven? how many fish did you catch during the filmiing of The River Why ? Did they stock a bunch of fish right before scenes or did they just hook them out of a bucket, plop them in the water and film you reel them in? Do you like fly fishing now?"
      • Zach loves fly fishing, big outdoorsman. Zach also wasn't allowed to fish with a hook on his line, they had to film the scene and hook on a dead fish. It's all in editing. 
    4. Michael Bay of Pigs - "Hey dear Zach, why do you throw around the pigskin when there are starving kids in the world?"
      • Because they pay me to. I don't want to be a starving kid in the world, they should get a job and learn to throw the pigskin around instead of starving. Go get a big meal at McDonald's, get some food so you can go look for that job.
  • Pro Version - mwn - This week, Zach Gilford will pretend he's throwing a pass to you.

Recurring Jokes Edit

  • Italy - Hayes and Martha Plimpton got accosted by paparazzi while leaving the Movies Bistro
  • Nerds - Hayes and Sean splash a nerd with their Sea-Doo in their pitch for The Descendants. "Myyy glassss-ess!"
  • Bussin' Up - Even though Zach is a dramatic actor he also makes sean buss up his whole shit frequently
  • Talking to the Engineer - While talking about Focus Pullers, Engineer Sam got up and moved the mic very loudly, which pulled focus to himself. When asked why he did that, Sam respondes he was trying to take a picture and the mic was in the way. Zach complains and asks if there's anyone better but Sean and Hayes mentioned while Sam isn't great there's no one better. He's also...
  • Scoop Troop - get out your pens! but don't write anything, because Zach didn't say anything. He doesn't want to give anything away but he almost did, so have your pen ready. Maybe start drawing something while you wait. But don't let it distract you, in fact probably don't even doodle at all. 
  • Flyover States - Sean and Hayes feel the need to overly explain things to their listeners because some of their listeners live in some bullshit states where there is no movies, or ocean anywhere near there. The whole family shares a bed. The HH listeners get paid in a hollow tree, and when their hands are closed around the handful of change, can't get their hand out. The ol' African monkey trap.  
  • Mark - Mark did the sound drops for the Popcorn Gallery 
  • Controversial Sean - Sean is an atheist (and so is Zach). Science is his God. Hayes says not here, doesn't want him to alienate their fans. Religion is the cause of most of the wars in this world! Did Zach have to be brainwashed into believing some religion to play a soldier? Hayes says they're hanging by a thread!  
  • Too Scary - Only a ghost (gauche) would give away their actual amount of money they make 


  • Hayes and Sean are still very happy to announce that they are still advertising for where you get audio booke's. Eh eh eh Deal Alert! 

Episode Photos Edit

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