"Zoe Jarman, Our Close Friend" is the forty-seventh episode of Hollywood Handbook.
Earwolf Synopsis Edit
Hayes and Sean are completely steamed about how a certain Internet company is putting them in too many lists. Then ZOE JARMAN from Mimby Show is in the studio to discuss Hollywood Zoes, the rights of women, Castle School, and to act out a new play with “the dudes.”
Notes & Memorable Quotes Edit
Pre-Guest Segment Edit
- Sean over the theme: "So.. Kieran.. Culkin, is revving it and revving it, and really pushin' the gas on the jet-ski! And he's going 'I just love the way.. I love the way, when you hit the waves.' And I go 'Kieran, you and I both know, this is just a trick to get you to hug me tighter!'" "How did you avoid it?" "Well, what I wound up doing was, I had to get in the water, and then and I just jumped in the water, and I said 'Unless you either let me drive, which is what we agreed on, beforehand, or unless you start driving at a speed where I can give you a gentle hug, and not have to grip so tight!" Because of a forearm surgery, Sean has had metal put on his forearm where a blade will come out from the inside. If he were to clothesline someone, their head would could clean off. He doesn't want to have to do that. Sean had to slice up a shark and an octopus in the water who wanted to try and attack him.
- The boys get everyone geared up for one of their classic rants, about a particular company. They hate having to hare to get off on a rant. It's not fun for them, or for anyone else. There are people's jobs involved! The last time they went off on a company-- Cards Against Humanity -- you don't quite hear as much out of them. They don't get to be a company any more.
- What they want to talk is not a funny cards company, but it may as well be. It's a funny list company and a company on a internet! And it's pissing them off! Buzzfeed keeps putting Sean and Hayes on all the lists!
- When Sam does Sean's Googles for Sean and Hayes, he wants it to come up what movies he's been doing! Not "10 Celebrities Who Can Beat Up Superman! And Who Probably Really Good in Bed, And Definitely Really Good in Bed." Or "10 Old Guys Who'd You'd Like to See Do a POV Porno" -- they're not going to do any POV pornos. And Kirk Douglas isn't either. And PS? Superman's a good guy. This is basically calling Sean and Hayes Doomsday, and that guy was ugly. He was so spiky, and such a nasty beast.
- Kirk Douglas isn't going to do any POV pornos, nor is Sir Ian Mackellan. Nor does he want to see an artist's rendering of what it would look like for him to do a POV porno when he has Sean's Little Cousin Sam do his Googles!
- Sometimes Sean and Hayes look at these results together, and when you see a list that's like "12 Pairs of Guys, I Want 'Em to Do a Big Kissy, Right Now" it changes the whole tone, they're trying to have a business meeting! It sets them off on this course that makes it difficult to return from! When they're looking at these results, they look over and make eye contact, the other thinks they're asking "Do you think we should do that?" He's doin the same thing. It's like "Should I doo this?" When they're looking at the computer, Hayes has the computer on his lap, Sean is between his legs, tucked up against Hayes's chest, between the computer and Hayes. So Sean turns around to look at Hayes, and their chins are very close-- a position for a pretty romantic kissy. Why did the list say 'right now' and not 'at some mutually agreed upon time' and not right now? They got Kellan Lutz and Max Greenfield to do it, and they made an Instagram video or whatever these technofreaks are doing these days!
- If Sean and Hayes want to do a big kissy, they'll do it on their time! And they don't, Sean doesn't think. Hayes isn't saying this at all. Sean is just saying he doesn't want to see the list. What's the cost if they don't do it? Is someone going to be in trouble or is someone going to get sick? Someone could be trapped and this would set them free! The cost of actually doing it is not.. so high. It's not the best thing in the world, but there could be worse things. It's not Sean's favorite thing to do.. uh.. he can think of lots of things he'd rather be doing. Like cave swimming, that he's really into right now. These cave pools might have been caused my meteors or something.
- Sean: "So basically Buzzfeed? You can Buzz off! And unless you want to be friggin' uh, chicken feed, and ground up and fed to my chickens-- which by the way, Hayes, you were asking, are doing better." They had gotten some disease and are tipping over. Their legs were stiff, and were firing eggs into the wall. Sean got hit with an egg, right in the stomach. "Unless you want to become chicken feed, instead of Buzzfeed? You need to buzz off. Have I said that?"
Guest Segment Edit
- Open on Zoe having trouble hearing herself in the headphones, and Sam helping her adjust them. Sean wants to be sure that sound comes through the headphones. Zoe doesn't know what to expect headphones wise. Or where to place the microphone in order to speak into it properly. This is all Engineer Sam's fault
- Sean over the theme: "So.. I look.. down the aisle, and I'm like 'That's Asher.. Roth.' And he's buying fricking.. toilet paper! And Sean was like 'I'm sorry, I have to tell this story tonight! You know, because we're going to the same game night!'" Asher was firmly on the 'don't tell it side' of this argument. Sean says he's going to tell it, and he runs away! Asher tries to catch him, runs after him. Asher wants to catch him, although Sean told him not to. So finally Sean turns around and says "Fine, ya caught me. What're ya gonna do about it?" And Asher cocks his fist back to take a swing at him
- , but then sees it isn't going to go well. He finally concedes that Sean can tell the story, and he doesn't
- Hayes: "Zoe.. There's you, and there's Zoe Saldana, Zoe Kazan, and which one is which of them?" These Hollywood Zoes often get all lumped into the same group. They have to take the class Zoe 101. Zoe Saldana is probably the lithest of the bunch. Sean doesn't want this Zoe to sell herself short, he thinks she is so lithe. Zoe Saldana got her start in the movie Center Stage which is about ballerinas.. in the circus? the boys ask. In the circus... they call New York City. They agree that this is so true. Not everyone who has been to New York who listens! Few know better than Hayes and Sean but they encourage her to explain.
- New York is a circus because of the zoo, and the subways, which are like hallways to the zoo. Don't try to feed the people in the subways, peanuts, you'll lost your hand! They only like pizza.
- Zoe is so lithe though. She came into the room doing those black flips where your feet don't even leave the ground when the hands are going. "Now it's feet's turn" Zoe always tries to narrate when she does gymnastics or aerobics. She's always educating: "Now it's the feet's turn." And insider's secret on acting is sort of like being given a mantra. Zoe was given the mouth, she's a mouth actor. She was sorted into this..
- Like the Sorting Hat. From Harry Potter? The guys don't seem to follow, she explains. In Harry Potter, you go to Hogwarts, you show up to Hogwarts, Sean interrupting "Yuck! A hog's warts!?" "Who would want to go in that?" They make her call it castle school, which was her definition of Hogwarts. Now they're into learning to become a wizard, although this sounds a little scary. Hayes wants to move into his room first. Sean wonders if he's allowed to have a hot plate-- he isn't. There's a really, really nice dining hall. But sometimes Hayes has practice. Although the dining hall isn't available 24 hours. Sean says he's sneaking out after bed time. Sean is worried about eating in front of everyone, because he's noisy when he eats. Hayes can do a food spell, with his magic baton. He doesn't have a wand, he's flipping it around and catching it, doing all sorts of sticks
- Sean's magic wand is a yard stick, and he wishes it was nicer. It's a bad yard stick, Sean isn't even sure it's accurate. It's not a yard stick, the measuring device. It's just a stick from a yard, one of the yards that he was in that wasn't very nice. His yard has nice sticks, but he isn't allowed to take one from there because his dad was in the military
- Back in Castle School-- Sean's yard stick is giving his hand a rash! His hand is all swelled up! And, all those leaves on it, when the dining hall is closed, that's all he has to eat! It's hurting his stomach a lot! He's got the rash all over, too.
- Hayes, in his inquisitive high voice: "Zoe, when you say 'Now it's the feets' turn,' isn't that also sort of like a mantra for women in Hollywood these days?" "For so long women has been the feets, and men has been the hands and the head." And now the feets are on top, alternating with the hands and the head. Now the feets is on top. Gravity allows for it to alternate
- Speaking of gravity, have you guys seen Cosmos? The star is this alien, who's like from space and is telling them all about it. Hayes almost wants to say don't watch, he looks extremely weird. You may have trouble sleeping. You can ask Hayes or listen to the show only, put a piece of paper over the TV or just your eyes.
- Back to Women in Hollywood, people who are married to the old models are getting sort of a nasty surprise! Women are funny, and as they've found in TV and movies, women can be quirky too. Even before Bridesmaids, we knew women could be funny if they were immaculately put together
- Zoe is asked about how she can be funny in a quirky way- she likes to not wear high heels, Wonderbra, or the hair. And she still does comedy! People are like "Ugh my eyes!" and covering up their eyes cause they think it's Cosmos and find her so unappealing to look at. They all throw Wonderbras onto the stage, lipstick tubes, and wigs
- Someone throwing a wig onstage, it can look like a hairy octopus. This has scared both Sean and Zoe before. We've only seen 1% of the ocean, this could exist. Sometimes in the ocean it can be so deep, you can't see the light. Sean believes we've been looking up at the Cosmos, we have to look down into there. Sean has e-mailed the government to put lights on some of the fish
- Fish are so fed up with us not knowing what's happening down there, they grow lights on themselves, saying "Come on, human." Isn't that a nice metaphor for women in Hollywood. They're the ones so deep down in the ocean they're eating bugs on the floor, and growing their own lights. Sean saying what Zoe meant to really pisses her off
- Zoe gets angry and starts shaking her fist, she's a woman in comedy, and Hayes and Sean are speaking for her. And isn't it nice, how men used to speak for themselves, and now they're speaking for women too! And one of the things Sean is saying is "Hey, listen up, listen to these women!"
- Sean asks if it's funny to confuse Women's suffrage with women's suffering?
- Zoe likes to do a play, which is a fun word for the listeners. A play might be something like .. poke a bug. But she's talking about 'drama'
- Zoe gets so mad that Sean outs Queen Elizabeth as the person behind the fake name Shakespeare, before Zoe could say it. Zoe thinking the same thing as Sean is Hayes's nightmare. He's so brainwashed by the friggin' Republicraps and the friggin' Libtards, he can't see beyond the surface level. Scratch the paint! There's actual wood under there. Sean "Agree to misagree, friend."
- Zoe thinks it's important for people to come watch live theater. It's immediate, and there's no net! Not like movies. No dog catcher, a person who can chase you with a net. There could be a dogcatcher as a character in the play, but that would be a prop net, and Sean could rip that to shreds. You could never catch him with that. A real net? He couldn't rip that to shreds. Hayes has seen him try. He can dislocate his shoulder to escape from a straight jacket, and he thought that would work for a net, but what it really did was hurt really bad. Nets aren't sleeves. Unless you're wearing a cool mesh shirt, like a tank top. Sean wouldn't be trying to escape out of that, he'd be trying to make sure everyone say him!
- Sean proposes doing a play with Hayes and Zoe! Trains would travel through town, and actors would be performing a play in the last car, and everyone would run along behind. This was one of the first fitness initiatives, and the first Snowpiercer. The rich people are the fittest, and in the front. The poor people are in the back and have to try and lassou the train, so they can grab on with their skateboards
- Zoe names the play they're going to do "Old Men with a Dog." Oh so there might be a dogcatcher in this one! Sometimes plays is tricking Hayes. Zoe changes it to "Old Men with an Imaginary Dog."
- The play skips the overture, and a knocking is heard at the door. A man shouts to Beatrice from outside, he's been left in the cold for too many times! Beatrice is wearing oven mitts, and there's no knob on the door. The man, Oscar, has an armful of honeycombs-- but they forgot to get all the bees out! Oscar kicks in the door, despite Beatrice's having picked it with a mitt, and Beatrice flies across the room as the door opens in on her forcefully. Oscar apologizes, and Oscar was lying about the honeycombs. Beatrice did a flip and landed on her feets. Oscar recounts a story from the local rail workers as he lies on the floor, they're saying skellingtons are starting to rise out of the ground at the new town cemetery and cut people's heads off! Roderick Skellington, the founder of the old brass factory, has now become one of those Skellington skellingtons. The bees are real and stings Beatrice on the caboose. Although Sean starts to doubt the truth of the rail workers' word. Then Scooter, their rebellious son, comes in, riding a BMX bike. She chides him for bringing that contraption into the house! Scooter feeds his dog dinner, like the imaginary dog from the title. Beatrice has stolen potatoes from the rail workers. Suddenly, an army of Chinese rail workers appear on top of the hill, and they look extremely hungry. They behave as stereotypically Native American, which is terrifying. The lead rail worker, General Bill, greets the family. He walks into the house, and trips over Oscar who is still lying on the floor, defeating him! Beatrice calls Oscar a genius.
- And that's it! Hayes realized that Beatrice holds a flame for both Oscar and Bill, and this was also given in the line readings. Sean thought the play was very bad. He didn't like all of those Chinese guys, he thought they were being mean guys. Sean thinks this is for a different play. Except.. he realizes that they made him think! Their footsteps might remind Sean ultimately of his mailman. Sean would wait everyday for the mailman to bring him some potatoes or a turkey dinner.
Recurring Segments Edit
- Pro Version - Anastasia Vigo - Zoe Jarman will write a play title about her: "Anastasia's Dream Life in a Country House." Sean remarks that all the titles Zoe comes up with are kind of boring.
Recurring Jokes Edit
- Too Scary - Sean and Hayes having to fulfill an obligation of going off on a rant can be scary to be around. Learning to be a wizard in
HogwartsCastle School is scary. Someone throwing a wig onstage, it can look like a hairy octopus. This has scared both Sean and Zoe before. During the play, rail workers tell character Oscar about skellingtons that rise out of the ground in the new town cemetary
- Sean's Little Cousin - When Sam does Sean's Googles for Sean and Hayes, he wants it to come up what movies he's been doing! Not "10 Celebrities Who Can Beat Up Superman! And Who Probably Good in Bed, Definitely Good in Bed."
- Comic Books - Buzzfeed put Sean and Hayes on the list "10 Celebrities Who Can Beat Up Superman! And Who Probably Good in Bed, Definitely Good in Bed." Oh and PS? Superman's a good guy!
- Homoeroticism - Buzzfeed voted Sean and Hayes onto the list "12 Pairs of Guys, I Want 'Em to Do a Big Kissy, Right Now"
- Controversial Sean - Sean has a strong, outspoken opinion on Buzzfeed, and Hayes wouldn't have worded it that way. Shakespeare didn't write those plays.. Queen Elizabeth did! And wrote them under a man's name. If you've seen Anonymous, you would know! This isn't the same of how religion is the cause of most wars, and has caused more deaths than any disease. Everyone's talking about ebola, but what about the re-ligion outbreak. This rant makes Zoe furious.
- Zoe is an actor on The Mimby Project and now a writer for Workofholics.
- Harry Potter - Hogwarts sounds too yucky, so the boys make Zoe call it Castle School
- Sean's Dad - was in the military, thus won't let Sean take any of the nice sticks out of their yard. Pretty strict
- Speak on That - Zoe is asked to speak on how women can be quirky now.
On how the joke about women's suffrage vs. suffering would play better in the times when women wanted to get the right to voteSean decides he doesn't want her to speak on this, Zoe is a young fish, still growing her light
- Bridesmaids - We've known since this great movie that women can be funny. Zoe saw it and really liked it
- Shakespeare - Zoe likes some Shakespeare plays
- Doing a Scene - The gang do the play "Old Men and an Imaginary Dog"
- The Toilet Bowl Cleaners, the best poop-song band in the world. 10 albums of poop songs such as "Poop Into A Wormhole", "The Diarrhea Bounce-Back", "I Pee When I Poop, but Not the Other Way Around," and "Poop in the Urinal." Sean is not too happy to discuss this ad. It's a real thing on Amazon or Spotify. They're the only people who gave money to the fucking show
- Earwolfman Jack shows up with Poindexter the nerd to encourage everyone to support Kulap Vilaysack's new feature-length documentary, Origin Story, and has a Indie Go-Go campaign. Jack gets mad at the nerd for 'givin' all that math talk' Jack really wants the Nerd out of the studio but he keeps piping up!!